Monday, March 30, 2009

Post Mortem Dating Rules












So yesterday I was at my daughter's soccer game, and there was a Dad there with his new second wife and she was like 26. And pretty. And word has it she was a professional cheerleader.

So I decided I needed to have a serious talk with my husband.

Me: If I die, I don't want you to marry a cheerleader.

Husband: What?

Me: Or a model or a Hooters girl.

Husband: Are you planning on dying soon?

Me: I could die in a fiery car crash tomorrow. You need to lay these things out. Kind of like a will.

Husband: Except instead of giving things away, you're taking things away.

Me: She can't be prettier, or younger, or skinnier than me.

Husband: Can she cook better?

Me: (thinking....) Sure.

Husband: Better housekeeper, more organized, budget-conscious?

Me: I have no problem with that. Oh! And she can't have a blog.

Husband: Oh, damn.

Me: Well, unless it was like a cooking blog.

Husband: Gotcha. So someone fat, old and unattractive who can cook.

Me: Yes. And you can't go out with our friends.

Husband: What, me and Mrs. Doubtfire can't have a social life?

Me: No. And I want a big oil painting of me over the mantle.

Husband: What if you just sustain massive injuries in the crash that require years of rehabilitation and I have to take care of you in addition to my job...then can I date a cheerleader?

Me: An old, fat cheerleader.

Husband: Deal.

40 comments:

Dr. Mom said...

That is too funny!! I think I may have to have the same conversation with my husband!

I have nominated you for an award, though you are not required to participate, I just appreciate getting to read your hilarious blog!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

LOL! You'd better include yoga and pilates instructors on your list. Men can be devious, you know.

Marybeth said...

i feel like I need to have this talk with my husband tonight....although I would forbid all females between the ages of 18 and 55...think he'd agree???

Sarah said...

This is too funny! It's time that my hubby and I have this talk as well!

Frau said...

OMG I hope you got that in writing! With his blood! Too funny!

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm going home tonight and telling my husband the exact same thing. Only substitute "twins" for "cheerleader".

What it is with men and twins?

Chandra said...

Too funny! That's all I can say!

creative-type dad said...

My wife and I had a similar conversation years ago. She said anybody would be OK, as long as the woman had a mustache.

I didn't ask if it had to be a real or fake one.

KiKi said...

Brilliant post! I'm totally cracking up!

Michelle said...

Too funny!

Dejoni said...

I've always said my husband will be at the strip club the night after my funeral with my entire life insurance policy in ones...
Great post!

Erin said...

LMAO. So funny, as always...!

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Ugh, first wives rule. Unless, of course, I become a second wife. Then we will re-discuss.

Stereos and Souffles said...

He sounds like he has your sense of humor...love it!

Swirl Girl said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

this is classic!

Elisa said...

Hey, I'm an old fat cheerleader! Well, sort of. Not a cheerleader, just a dancer. Former. And not professionally. But it's all pointless, because I can't date him, my husband would have a cow. Which means I'm old and fat for nothing.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

This is HYSTERICAL....I swear I had this same converstation with my hubby earlier today. What a coincidence.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

The discussion has been the same in our house...except I added in the fact that the kids can't call her mommy...I mean now that I know Mrs Doubtfire is the perfect 2nd wife for my husband, looks like Mommy wasn't an option anyway!!! LOL

This was great...I am still cracking up!

Former Fat Chick said...

I tell him he has to TURN GAY (like this was possible and a switch or something) AND he must date a big fat hairy bear type gay...that is he ever wants to be intamate with anyone again...he could become a EUNICH (I can have that done from beyond, I've looked into it)

Merrie said...

LOL
My best friend told her husband that he can remarry, but the new wife has to dust the urn and painting of her on the mantle every day.

The Mom Jen said...

See now if you were a vampire, the cheerleader thing would never be an issue! ;)

♥ Kathy said...

LMAO you are too funny! An old, fat cheerleader. Deal. :D

Anonymous said...

This is why they say that good husbands die first.

The crappy ones just leave you.

And the real sh*t ones do not leave either way!

When the Book coming out?

WhisperingWriter said...

How funny.

I've had conversations like this with my husband. He claims he wouldn't even bother to re-marry. Please. He's just trying to make me feel better. I was all, "I'd totally haunt you..."

Jen said...

This is a good plan. I need to go and have this discussion with my hubby too.

michelle said...

I just bought life insurance and hubs and I had this exact conversation! He wanted an 18 year old and I kindly {snort} reminded him no 18 year old would have him at this point. We agreed she had to be at least 28. We worked out some other details. He may never take her dancing, she can be a better housekeeper, cook and all that, but she may not be athletic or in better shape. And she can't be a natural OR bleach blonde. Or wealthy. He can't have it easy if I couldn't have it easy.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

So did he have any rules for you?

Feener said...

hehehehehe

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

Good one!

Jillian said...

Perfect. I will use this same criteria.

Brittany said...

Hilarity! I hope my hubby never remarries, as he will never be able to love again ever.

And this, "What, me and Mrs. Doubtfire can't have a social life?
"

SNORTED!

deconstructing jen said...

Haha! You guys are hysterical. I'm sending this to my husband.

Denise said...

Too funny! I had that rule with my ex-husband, and although I'm still alive, the rules still apply. She's fatter and not as good of a cook (says our teen, b/c she loves mommy's food ONLY) so it all worked out.

I might put that in the new pre-nup for when Andy and I tie the knot.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Lucky for me, we didn't have any limitations on post mortem dating before Brian passed.

KEEP BELIEVING

Loveable Loser said...

Ladies,

Just show this to the guys and they will never remarry...or do much else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3_W_JryhR0&feature=player_embedded

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0zRp0iGReM&NR=1

Cara Starr said...

Totally unrelated to this post, but this weekend we rented Twilight and I thought of you right away. i wasn't enthused about the movie. I did not understand all the hype. And a vampire story? puh-lease. The furthest thing from my interests. It doesn't help that i'm not much of a reader - not of whole books anyway. And then, we watched Twilight the movie, and i was effing CAPTIVATED. Wow, so it's a vampire story but it's a LOVE STORY! Now i get it. And Edward... Well, i'm "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him". heh.. It's official. I've been "bitten".

3 Peanuts said...

Oh that is so funny!!

Miss M.J. Ma'am said...

OMG..... I've been laughing so hard I hurt! You are tooooo funny!

Cathy said...

That is funny.. This last weekend we went to Florida and the kids wanted to eat at Hooters. I wasn't impressed nor were they but I looked at G and told him to look (at the menu) and he said "I am I am" Silly man. I then said yeah go ahead and look nothing in here compares to my girls..he laughed and looked at his menu. MEN... Oh and he got a bUmPs sign for the man cave.. I had to talk him into it.