Sunday, October 19, 2008

Picture Day






Don't worry, this is not my child.
Or me.




Here's what I need. A large, neon laminated sign that reads:
"Remember: School Pictures Suck. Do Not Order."

But no. Every September the big order form arrives via backpack. With a matrix of options so complicated you need a PhD in statistics to decipher it.

Traditional gray or color?
Traditional color or Vibrant color?
Traditional Vibrant or Vibrant with Lightning Bolts?
Natural or Zit-Erasure?

Package A)
1 class photo, (11) 8x10's, (23) 5x7's, (50) 4x6's, (150) 2x3's and (5000) 1x2's.

$78.50 That seems fair.

EXCEPT THEY'RE GOING TO SUCK.

They should just name the packages
Package A "The Suck"
Package B "The Lame"
Package C "The Fugly" and
Package D "Not My Child".

But every year, we pick out The Outfit, do The Hair, send them to school with a brush, cross our fingers with the highest of expectations for The Fugly with vibrant fuschia lightning bolts. Minus 3 5x7's. Plus keychain.

55 comments:

Jennifer said...

I keep ordering tham anyway! I've got millions of wallet-sized photos that no one wants! This year, I forgot it was picture day so no outfits were even selected. It doesn't bode well...

Lipstick said...

Oh and don't forget the 4x6 picture magnet for the front of the fridge.

Mr Lady said...

The HATERADE? Sorry, the sidebar distracted me, and now I'm peeing my pants.

Anyway, I wanted to neener neener you with the fact that here in Vancouver, we order the pictures AFTER we see the preview. It ROCKS.

Jen said...

Fall picture day is completely annoying. We have to order sight unseen. I just don't order. Luckily they do a second round in the spring and you get to proof them first. And of course you have to take out a second mortgage just to order a package doesn't help.

Wendy said...

Thanks for bursting my bubble, dude. My kindergartener's pictures that I just paid for are going to SUCK?! Great. I had SUCH high hopes til now....

jill jill bo bill said...

Claire threw hers away before I saw them. I am taking it they were really really bad.

Just Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LiteralDan said...

I don't know if I'm happy or not that you said pretty much everything I'd ever say about school pictures.

I didn't like them as a kid, and I don't like them now.

Greta said...

I wish black line strikeout had been an option when I was a child. It might have helped cover up those "waterfall bangs" that continue to haunt me today.

T Williams said...

I was thrilled to find out that although I planned for Kindergarten picture day, my order form was NOT included in the backpack!!! Not even tempted and I didn't know to ask. Phew. My kid thinks you still say "CCHHEESSSSEEE" - you can just imagine that face...

Southern Gal said...

I always ended up wondering who the heck to give them to, & so ended up always having a lot leftover. Yes, I will be glad to have 10 copies of that horrible picture to remember myself by.

I'll have to remember these lessons when I have kids....

Liz said...

ROFL! I love this post!

Linda S said...

Yep, too many years of those... and so then I let my son get his Senior Portrait done in a t-shirt and hoodie. At least he wore the hoodie without the holes in it...it looks great and it is HIM!

Angie said...

So true! But I order them year after year, what is wrong with me!

Deb said...

Every year, I say I'm going to not order them. Every year, I order them. I'm waiting to see what kind of crappy shots come back this time.

This year I (gasp!) actually threw away the PTA wrapping paper order without buying anything. I'm still waiting for lightning to strike me dead.

Cocotte said...

It's the most stressful day of the year for me: the outfit, the hair, making them eat breakfast before getting dressed, packing lunches that will not be spilled on clothes or stuck in braces, having to drive them to school if it's raining. UGH!!!!

Amy said...

I know how you feel. For the past two years I've had to had pictures re-done because the first ones were absolutely horrible. At least our school gives us that option!

Jen said...

so this is what i have to look forward too?

sassy stephanie said...

It's it so sad! Ours always look like SHIT. Expensive shit.

Jodi said...

This year my 9yo son's hair looked so bad that the photographer gave him one of those cheap black combs, which he got to keep. My son thought this was AWESOME and says he is going to school with messy hair next year so he can get another comb. And you just *know* that next year there won't be a free comb handout.

Heinous said...

I'm anti-establishment pictures. The Wife isn't though, so I let her do the stuff for this. I try to help out with everything, but I just can't bring myself to do it in this case.

jaime said...

and then they pic the FUGLIEST one to put in the yearbook. yup, remember that well...

Loveable Loser said...

I see another calendar coming up!

"Not Quite Hot Enough School Pictures"

Not our Kids, us!

PS...I do not think boys(Under 12) care how the look on picture day...or at least combing hair...so no use even getting them dressed up..skip it and go get pictures at SEARS or WAL-MART...no licking your hand and smoothing out the hair or wiping faces.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I just wish you didn't have to place the order BEFORE you got to see the pictures...I guess that's the only way they make any money.

I'm still waiting on my son's pictures to come back. He's in Kindergarten so this is my first experience with the Fugly! I'm keeping my fingers crossed though!

Mrs de Miranda said...

hahaha mine were always awful too! Once I got into high school my mom didnt order them anymore!

nikkicrumpet said...

That is so flippin true and funny! My hubby REALLY hates it when I read him peoples blogs...he rolls his eyes and contemplates killing me...but even he laughed at this one...we especially loved Package D

Threeboys1mommy said...

I have like... I'm not sure of the technical term here... uhm.... like 4 computers (that's like 800 gigs... I think) clogged with pictures of my kids, and now you expect me to pay for "paper' pictures. What ev!

Anonymous said...

Yup,those photo.companies have got us by the b___s.
BTW,is that a nightgown that girl is wearing or just a very cozy looking dress? OMG, I just happened to realize that that might be YOU Sue, sorry!

The Golf Widow said...

Amen to that! My kids always go at the end of the day and look like they rode to school on a camel.

Once in school I convinced the photographer that my mom wanted me to hold a doll she had made. He fell for it.I did not mention it.My mom laughed when the pictures came home and I was cuddling my giant brown-panty-hose doll.

Rachel said...

I to get roped in and keep ordering...just don't want my kid to be left out I guess...

Legal Diva said...

My kids don't even like the school pictures. That has led my sassy 2nd grader into making the funniest faces she can for her picture without the photographer knowing she is making a face. They turn out hilarious. And I keep the proofs, but never order those expensive ass packages. I mean really- I have 5 kids- I'm not into spending $400 plus on some shitty pics.

sista #2 said...

I ordered those freaking pictures years ago.....once. Have had 4 kids and never ordered them again. They are the most horrible pictures in the world.

I can take worse pictures of my offspring to torture them with.

peace
#2

i'm black betty said...

all kids look like zombies in school day pics...

JT said...

You know one BIG reason that they suck?

That creepy guy taking the pictures who says things like "Hey there Rambo, how about you give me a smile?"

Even kids know when someone is a born loser and should be treated with disdain.

Trisha said...

I ordered the smallest package possible because I just knew they would be bad. Sure enough, my little boy had this smile (rectangle mouth) that I have never seen in my life!

I just came across your blog recently and you are freaking hilarious! I laughed out loud post after post! I'm going to add you to my list if you don't mind.

My blog, not so funny, more of a scrapbook. Take care!

AngieSS said...

I always order the smallest package available now because there is just no end to the "suckage" level of school pictures. I figure that if they are good, I will just scan them for family. If not, I can just get rid of them!


I've tagged you at my place. Hope you can come over soon and check it out!

Swirl Girl said...

Why do you think the picture sucks? Could it be that it came with a black stripe across the eyes??

In our school, if you volunteer to help corral the kids and straighten their hair etc...you get a free package.

that's what I do - then if they suck , I take her to Sears.

Jenni Jiggety said...

And yet we can't help but write that check...

Because we'll be damned if we're going to let our kid be the only one not standing in that picture line without an order!

Diva Ma said...

Couldn't agree with you more. I so hate school pics. So much so that I never buy them. They always suck.

Aubrey said...

I'm almost peeing my pants over here!!!!
How right you are (once again and should I really be surprised about that???)
We just got my daughters school photos back and I had to remind my husband that she is just going thru her awkward stage. It will all be better in a year (if we're lucky) or 2!!

3 Peanuts said...

Truer words were never spoken.

K

Merrie said...

Hey, you're writing about my Wednesday!

Heather said...

Okay, so here's the thing.

I think there exists such a thing as School Photo Karma.

I believe that by the rules of SPK, if you had to endure decades of craptastic school pictures taken of yourself, then your child shall only ever have decent school pictures taken of them.

This has been borne out once in my life already, because while my school pictures were uniformly "OH DEAR LORD THE HORROR, THE HORROR!," my daughter (who admittedly is way, way cuter than I ever was or will be in my "not the pretty one" lifetime) has had decent - nay, actually kinda adorable - school pictures. Thus far, anyhow - I'm only talking about one year's worth (preschool last year). However, I don't think I used utterly misplaced optimism in ordering Package E: Make all the Relatives Happy With Massive Quantities of Wallet-Sized Wonders for her kindy shots this year.

Okay, so I hedged my bets a teensy bit by volunteering for PTA school photo duty, and yeah, I brought a comb, and yeah, I straightened her glasses before she went in for her picture, but that's legal, isn't it?

We are supposed to be getting our pictures back in time for Thanksgiving, and I'm just fervently hoping my SPK theory is correct and they won't be (appropriately enough for the season) turkeys....

The Mom said...

That is a true dilemma, luckily, we get to buy after the photos are taken! So it is easier.

I gave you an award, it will be posted shortly. I love your blog!

http://sexdiariesofamom.blogspot.com

Always Home and Uncool said...

Today is school pic day for The Things. I pray for no fart faces.

Auds at Barking Mad! said...

As much as they suck, and they have for time immemorial,I will probably still order them. although I always do my own kids' portraits that get framed and sent out...being a photographer comes in handy like that.

Jarrard said...

I keep thinking that I have a great camera, I'm pretty ok at photography and I have a nice printer.... Why am I funding Lifetouch and their really bad ideas of what a good smile and hair style look like??

Really - I told my 13 year old last time to kick anyone in the shins if they came at him with a brush. He failed to execute said plan. Now we have what was great surfer hair when he left the house to hair so brushed down he looks like "that kid" in the picture. You know the one.... My kid ain't no "that kid", but somehow he will be remembered as so in the 8th grade annual.

Good times and good memories.

ali said...

And to add to all that fun and excitement: Spring picture day. I'm not kidding.

CarolinaGirl said...

This is so true!!! This post had me laughing so hard! Love it!

Shannon said...

Hey! Stop by my blog. I have a sercy for you. And no, you can't return it to the store even though you already have like 3 of them!

Ann Onymous said...

Uniforms take care of that pesky what-to-dress-them-in dilemma, but you're right on with the rest of it.

Tamara said...

Very true..
Hell, I am a photographer and I STILL order school pictures. LMAO.. I have major issues. They will be fun to look back later on.
.
.
.
.
and laugh at. lol.

jill said...

OK I'm having so much fun reading you blog (instead of working) but shouldn't Happy Hour come first?

Eudea-Mamia said...

Heather was right - Hil.A.Rious!!

I feel your pain. My chick-magnet of a kindergartener just brought home the ugliest shots on the planet. So glad we went with option 1 - only out about $30. Plus the yearbook fee. Plus the soccer picts I'm going to buy because they turned out way better.

Sigh.

Em

Squirrel & Belle said...

I only ordered "The Suck" for $17.50 this year...and guess what? They were cute! What's up with that?