Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Waiting Room Time Suck


Yesterday I had my annual Ob/Gyn checkup, or, more accurately, my annual visit to the Ob/Gyn Waiting Room. 

Because let's face it, it's an annual appointment to sit and read magazines quietly with strangers. Ending in a check-out room involving paper clothes and small talk.

You would think after decades of doctor visits, I would learn to bring my own reading material. But I don't, and I'm left choosing between Working Mother and Field and Stream. WTF. Where are all these fishing physicians coming from. And the whole "Working Mother" thing just seems to be mocking me wherever I go. 

After 45 minutes, the Fake-out Nurse comes through the door and calls my name. The Fake-out Nurse's sole purpose is to trick you into thinking you're next. You are so not next. She simply leads to you another smaller, more naked waiting room. 

On the way of course is the pit-stop at The SCALE. You know - the one invented in the 1800's with the Sliding Chunks of Doom. Dude -  you expect me to just step up on a scale MID-DAY with all my clothes and shoes on????? That is just uncalled for. Everyone knows your true weight is first thing in the morning, before breakfast, after peeing, no clothes. Fake-out Nurse proclaims my weight out loud - (Bitch!)-, which is my cue to act nonchalant, as if this pronouncement has not totally plunged me into a fat-panic so far-reaching that I will not hear a word the doctor has to say.

On to Waiting Room #2, where she instructs me on disrobing and pledges that the doctor will be "right in". The doctor will not be right in. In fact, feel free to call your college roommate, start your taxes or take a nap. They could at least provide me with a cup of crayons to draw on the paper table-liner like they do at Chili's. 

Grand Total:
Wait time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Examination time: 4 minutes
Wall clock time checks: 18
Mental beauty makeovers of receptionists: 3
Presumptuous assessments of couples' relationships: 4
Envious feelings towards pregnant women: 0
Fantasies of indignant protest over wait time: 5
Actual indignant protests: 0


And so, in the end, Receptionist-Who'd-Look-Better-With-a-Stylish-Bob writes me an appointment card for a year from now. When, like the pain of childbirth, I will have forgotten about the wait and once again brought nothing to read. Good times.



39 comments:

Gettysburg Mom said...

Ever notice that the smaller waiting room has fewer magazines and NO CLOCK?! How many times can you re-read the poster sized advertisements for the newest fangled wonder-medicine?

Mississippi Songbird said...

lol.. I found your blog thru Mom Blogs.. I enjoyed it. I hope you have a great weekend!

Deb said...

Excellent! I could've written your post word for word, except anytime I'm waiting to see a doctor and my kids are with my husband or the sitter I pray that they never call my name - I could wait and wait and wait and wait. Of course, when I don't have my kids the wait time is 5 minutes and when I have my kids they don't call me for an hour. Never fails.

BTW, great blog - found you through Mom Bloggers Club.

Lisa-licious said...

Just wanted to say have a great trip to NYC...you should be going there for the Hot Bloggers Calendar photo shoot! Missed you tons...getting a tax refund! I HATE not blogging and twittering. PLEASE tweet from NYC so we don't miss you too much! Be safe!

Just Stephanie said...

Oy vey...annual exams? Are we talking Pap smears? Could they name it any more embarrassing? Smear??? Really? Let's think of a better word, shall we?

I'm always afraid to eat prior to the exam...not for the weigh in but for the whole..."gas" issue. I'm totally afraid to "poot" when they push down on my tummy while having two fingers strategically positioned. I'm just saying...

And the reading materials...yeah, could we possibly get a stand up comedian in the waiting room for God's sake??? That would totally take the pressure off of all areas of concern! I'm just saying...

So...vascectomay...pap smear...hamster recall in ONE week. Big times for you and the family at the casa.

Have a joyous and festive weekend!

Amy said...

You've captured it perfectly!

Debbie said...

Sue, you disappoint me. Why didn't you take out a pen and scribble out more Sue's Clues for us on the paper bedspread while waiting??? Come on!

And why oh why do all men who get snipped think they deserve something in return? Did they gain 40 pounds during the procedure? Did they have to give up diet coke and wine?(separately not together)during the procedure? Did they push out something the size of a bowling ball during the procedure? I think not. Wussies.

Kathy said...

I have successfully avoided the Chunks of Doom on my last two visits. I asked once if it was required to get on The Scale. It is not, and so I protest. And win. Try it next time. They can't make you.

Heather said...

You mean to tell me you don't carry your own crayons with you? I swear I've had at least three crayons in my purse at all times for years now. Hey, at least I no longer have tiny containers of goldfish and/or sippy cups in there!

Seriously, imagine the looks on the OBGYN staff's faces when they FINALLY walk in to the room and see the mural of the Last Supper or Botticelli's Birth of Venus replicated on the exam room table...

Deb said...

You should totally draw on the paper the next time. You should draw very disturbing pictures, or a map with latitude and longitude points to help the doctor find your hoo-hah. Even arrows would work...with sayings like
" left lane must turn left" "yield", or "scenic view"

Desi said...

Oh soo so true. At least it's over .. for now.

Dorsey said...

How true!! But my GYN doesn't have clocks in the exam waiting rooms or actual waiting room, there's just a small one on the desk of the receptionist so you can sign what time you got there...UGH!

I have an award waiting for you:
http://searchingformyinnerskinny.blogspot.com/2008/10/more-strange.html

anti-supermom said...

Haven't you heard that the 'annual' exam is just a scheme anyhow, it really could be every two or even three years, so it's even more of a time-suck!

This post is hilarious~

Tenakim said...

You're going to New York? Is that why hubs got snipped and you get checked up- getting ready for FUN TIMES, huh?

Collie and Rusty said...

Why did someone not think of the crayons and paper sooner!?

Greta said...

I love this...it's all so true! You're too funny!

Aleta said...

Oh, this post was priceless AND... reminds me that I have my annual visit at the end of this month. I'm going to bring a book! Thanks for the reminder. And... hehe. I might mention the crayon idea to my doc.

Orion said...

so that's what's going on in there! it's a Crayola fun fest, and this whole time when she gets home i go out of my way to help her feel comforted...

LIES, ALL LIES!
(even the comforting thing... yeah, lie.)

jenn said...

Great post! We've all been there...

Tasha said...

"Envious feelings towards pregnant women: 0"

HAHAHA! Ditto. I looooove the OB visits....not!

preppyplayer said...

Without reading the other posts, has anyone mentioned how absolutely freezing the second waiting room always is? And, do you rip your paper dress in the worst places like I do?

Blondie said...

The Fake Out Nurse is like the lines at Disney World. Yu finally reach the INSIDE of the building, thinking you are close to getting on the ride--but NOOOOO! It is the Fake Out Room which leads you to another F.O.R. and then another, before you even SEE the ride.

Miss Marie said...

You are hilarious! I'm so glad I found your blog. I do the same thing in the waiting room. I'm actually due to go back to the OBGYN but I'm putting it off because it's so heinous.

Raino said...

i am fairly new to your blog and have to say that this post is a freaking riot. this is hilariously funny and so true. i am laughing my arse off

Shelley said...

Dear Sue,
Thank you. I had to go to that dreaded place today, and thanks to you, I remembered to bring New Moon with me.

To just stephanie: My husband always says, in a very bad German accent, "So you get to visit Dr. Pap Schmear?" Ha. hahahaha. Asshole. That was only funny the first 20 times you said it.

Rochelle said...

My husband just called out from the kitchen (where he is cooking dinner for me and the kids) and asked "Are you reading that Happy Hour stuff again??". Yeah - I'm laughing that loud. Love the OB post but most of the laughing was about the duo between the hamster and guard poodle.

Happy weekend.

Picomania said...

Could you do a follow-up blog about the exam itself? I especially like how cold they keep the exam rooms and the sound of the paper crinkling under your butt as the doctor says about 6 times "scoot down, scoot down, scoot closer, etc"

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, this is hilarious! Loved it.

Damn fake-out nurse. Do they go to fake nursing school?

As for reading material, I keep a copy of Yacht Management Monthly in my handbag at all times, just for those times when I am caught unexpectedly in the naked waiting room.

Loved this!

:^) Anna

Holy Crappers said...

ya know....take at least 7 lbs off that damn scale for clothes, shoes, water, nail polish, makeup...etc....that's what i do.

peace
#2

GoteeMan said...

Wait time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Examination time: 4 minutes
Wall clock time checks: 18
Mental beauty makeovers of receptionists: 3
Presumptuous assessments of couples' relationships: 4
Envious feelings towards pregnant women: 0
Fantasies of indignant protest over wait time: 5
Actual indignant protests: 0

Having great blog fodder: PRICELESS...

J/ (Goteeman.blogspot.com)

jaime said...

oh man this is SO right on! I absolutely dread this Dr checkup... and how about the breast exam!? oh violate me some more why dontcha Doc...and yank me down by my ankles because i'm too far up on the table- cuz that always makes me feel so much more comfortable too.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Why do they have to weigh us? Why? Next time, I am going to refuse to get on the scale. I am going to say, "Make me."

Jerks!

Aubrey said...

Ugh!
Thanks for the reminder. I knew there was something that was supposed to be scheduled back in August!!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

http://tinyurl.com/4z7pno

Ronnica said...

Nice count. Haha...

I came over from Nanny Goat!

QuirkyLoon said...

I came over from... I don't remember.

The synapses are...slow... this morn.

BUT, I feel your pap pain. And lemme tell ya...wait til you hit the big 40 and then they also have to slip a finger up u know where and ask you to bear down.

Pleasant times, folks, REAL pleasant.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh this is so funny. I think we go tot the same ob/gyn;)

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Why is it the OB/GYNs have the longest wait times? ughhhh

Caresse said...

Great work.