Friday, September 26, 2008

The Cleaning Ladies



In my world, Thursday rocks. Every single week. 

Because Thursday is when Berta y Lupe come. And they "re-set" my house. Back to 0. Back to neat and shiny and lemony.

And the house looks the way it should, but never does, except for 3pm on Thursdays, when they call out "Ok we leave!" and they drive off into Magic Cleaning-Lady Land in their green Prius.

I love them. I love how they pretend to like me. I love how they know the English word for "pay" but not "papertowel". I even love how they routinely misread the value of things, like putting magazine blowout cards in a cute little pile, or throwing out Pete the cocooning caterpillar from the kitchen windowsill, or tossing my Tag Heuer watch into the toybox. 

It's OK, Berta y Lupe: Te Amo.

I love them so much I'm probably a little off in my imaginary translation of what they're saying.

Berta y Lupe: Esta casa es un lío.
Translation: This house is a pigsty.
My translation: Poor girl-her family makes such a mess.

Berta y Lupe:Hay tanto pelo en el cuarto de baño.
Translation: The amount of hair in the bathroom could create a new dog.
My translation: She looks so young to have three kids.

Berta y Lupe:¿Usted trajo su martillo perforador para la crema dental en el fregadero?
Translation: Did you bring your jackhammer for the toothpaste in the sink?
My translation: Doesn't she look so much like Heather Locklear?

I don't care what you're saying, Berta y Lupe...just please come back next Thursday. You complete me.




62 comments:

georgie said...

You do look JUST like Heather Locklear!
and I want a Berta y Lupe!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I think the same thing about my "guy." His name is Georgio, and he is our cleaning guy from the service.

Barely speaks a lick of English, but I don't care, because my kitchen is always clean after he leaves...

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Um, suerte con eso!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I hate you a little because you have cleaning ladies. I would LOVE someone to just come do my bathrooms once a week....Oh and Heather ain't got nothin' on you!

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

I want cleaning ladies! I need to check into that...how can I sell my husband on that one?

Mama Dawg said...

Send 'em over to me when you're done, please.

Thanks.

The Mom said...

Kinda 'verde' that you have a Berta y Lupe!

My phone call to the cleaning service would be...

'Tienes un macho senor con muchos musculos? El no necesita poner una camisa!'

Chelle said...

So jealous you have Berta y Lupe!

Love the translations, too...

And Heather Locklear? Honey, you are MUCH better looking than her!

Elisa said...

oooh, send her over please. my house will give her a whole new repertoire of slightly offensive remarks to be translated into flattery :-)

Caroline said...

I miss my cleaning ladies! I had 4 lovely Polish gals that came--and in 2 hrs my house was like hospital clean. Oh Biatta! Where are you? Funny, no matter what language...they know how to say "lady you pay now."

Julie said...

Sigh. I miss my cleaning couple. I need to get them back.

McMommy said...

I fired my cleaning girl.

And now....REGRET oozes out of my pores as I sweat away trying to clean the house.

I suck.

Former Fat Chick said...

um, ok, I can wear a blond wig, come to your house and then tell you everything they said! Like Elian with the Korean nail tech's!

Limpien mi casa, CARAJO! ha-ha son mentiras, mamita chula, LAS AMO! Limpien!

Pull out your English-Spanish dictionary!

MammaDawg said...

Ooh - I am jealous. You get TWO cleaning ladies?

lol - I love my girl, too - I only have one - but she does a damn good job. Sometimes I wonder how much longer she'll put up with me and the monsters...

And I agree - you are way prettier than Heather Locklear!

I am Boymom said...

I'm so behind on my blog reading! Love this post! Can you send the ladies my way next Thursday? It's just a few hours away in Phoenix.

Feener said...

ahhh, wed. for us, but every 2 weeks and in btw i don't do a damn thing....by the time they get here, i run and hide b/c i know they have to think i am disgusting.

Jen said...

I had to send my cleaning ladies away. I so want them back. I miss them so.

cam said...

I love this! I'm currently au pairing in Switzerland, and unlike most of my counterparts, I don't have to do any housework, because we have a cleaning lady. She even cleans my room and my bathroom, while I watch movies on the home theater in the basement (while the kids are at school).

Sometimes I feel spoiled, but mostly I worry about sneaking my ironing on top of the pile before she comes.

scargosun said...

It is my dream to have co-workers of Berta and Lupe come and fix my house on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis. Sigh...

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I am so jealous. I doubt my husband will ever make enough money to afford a cleaning lady.

But every week when I'm scrubbing toilets I dream about what it would be like to have a Berta y Lupe.

Sigh......

Mandy said...

Send them my way. Pronto.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Your Spanish is truly impressive. Tell my tia Berta I said hello.

*edit- and the house looks "they" way

Threeboys1mommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heinous said...

That was hilarious. I miss my cleaning lady. She left us for a job with things like 'benefits' and 'higher pay.' Like the job satisfaction wasn't enough.

Aleta said...

I LOVE the translations. That's too funny. My parents have cleaning ladies come over before my brother's wedding. We don't know any Spanish. She brought two other Hispanic ladies to help her.

She was talking and talking in Spanish to the women. Greg turned around and said something in Spanish. She said, "Oh, I forgot that you can speak Spanish!"

Greg told my parents that she was cussing like a sailor to the other two helpers!

Swirl Girl said...

Yo tengo una mujer se llama Lidia para cuidar las ninas y limpiar la casa.

Te AMO los Miercoles!

jill jill bo bill said...

Taco burrito enchilada guacamole queso~ adios, Loco.

BacktoBarnwell said...

At least your cleaning ladies clean, and aren't Jamaican and try to steal, and tell you that YOU have to do certain cleaning things, and she doesn't sweep dirt under the rugs....

The Nice One said...

OOooh how I miss my cleaning lady. I gave her up when I decided not to go back to work.
I am thinking of getting a job just to have cleaning ladies again. Trying to keep this house clean is a nightmare.
SO JEALOUS!!! (not only because of that, but because of you lookin' like heather locklear, too, of course)

* TONYA * said...

How about you send Berta y Lupe my way. Pretty please. I miss having a cleaning lady. Damn this not working business so having no excuse and damn blogging for making my ass too big and stopping me from cleaning.

Amy said...

In our house her name is Jane. And I have no shame when it comes to Jane days. I even have her do laundry and fold my underwear. You know you're due for a visit to Victoria's Secret (or the Hanes aisle at Target) when your cleaning lady gives you new underwear for Christmas.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I am so jealous that you have cleaning ladies. I'd let them talk smack about me all they want so long as my tub is scrubbed!

Rochelle said...

You stole my post idea, sistah!

My version of Berta y Lupe, "Las Senoras", just left. I always think they are having so much fun cleaning my house. That, or they are laughing at what a bunch of slobs we are "con los animales en la casa"!!!

Don't care...Love the help!!

LuckyMe said...

No puedo justify mujeres que limpian mi casa para yo sentarme en el computer todo el dia. "Ella se senta en su butt gorda todo el dia y nosotros tenemos que limpiar su big ass casa. Sabe su esposo que ella no hace nada?"

Me amo tu blog porque estas tan creative.

Mas! Mas! Como se dice LMAO en espanol?

Gracias!

Hannah D. said...

My Berta y Lupe are Blondie y B2B. It's love down here too.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I wish we had our cleaning lady back--we had a service and she quit--all her replacements were the worst so now no cleaning lady but me :(

Me said...

Make sure they aren't taking your expensive facial moisturizer and rubbing it all over their feed.

Or something like that.

Mrs. Newlywed just hit GOLD... we need to pool our resources together and start a male cleaning service. You know, young college types that need the money bad, and look like the Jonas brothers.

I think it would catch on.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Fantastico post! and funny too!

CalicoDaisy said...

I NEED Berta y Lupe. I used to have Blanca, but she "no can come no more!" She became a nanny. A nanny! I miss Blanca, but I will take Berta y Lupe if they come south or have a cousin...

LiteralDan said...

This is hilarious... I ran out of witty quips hours ago, so I'll just say that I've read back a couple months so far and you are cranking out gold nugget after gold nugget.

I'm jealous, but still big enough to blogroll you.

Wayne said...

Aye, Berta y Lupe, I think I would much rather have a Cindy and Julie from Sweden instead...but that's just me.

They make em cute there don't cha know. ;P

sassy stephanie said...

Guuurl, Heather has nuttin on you!

That was hilarious.

Linda S said...

Dear Heather...my Hilda just sorted my kitchen plates in rainbow order...beat that...

Love Reese Witherspoon

amanda said...

Words can not express my envy.

Deb said...

What do the cleaning ladies think of BG? Do you think they're attracted to him?

I gave you an award today! (Although I see you already have it, but you deserve another one!)

Don Mills Diva said...

This cracked my shit up.

And also, I officially adore Berta y Lupe.

ciara said...

i'm jealous...at least you have cleaning ladies. i'm too lazy to clean, but i have to do it myself lol

funny translations btw

Lauren said...

Sounds like your cleaning ladies need a big smack to me!

Christine said...

I'm a wee bit jealous.

Larissa said...

I need me some Berta y Lupe! My son could entertain them with his random Spanish words (even though he's not one OUNCE hispanic and only 2). Heh.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hysterial post..."we leave now".....hahahahaha!

Exactly what mine call out when they leave!!!!

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Can you come translate for me? We have two Russian women who come once a week. I just know they are talkin' smack about me!

As for the dude that does the yard, I have given up. I just let him have his way with the brush that we call landscaping.

Red Cup Mom said...

Coming over here from another blog. The dude was right, you are hilarious!

Thursdays are my days too. It's when Luz comes! Don't you just love the cleaning ladies. They are life savers. Bright cherry life savers. Luz won't clean the kitchen, but she folds laundry so she is forgiven. Besides I can clean the stove once in a blue moon.

I keep my Tag on my wrist though and am at work when she comes.

Dawn said...

This was hilarious!! I love your translations. They make much more sense!

But, I'm uber jealous that you have cleaning ladies!

Nicola said...

OMG - They were right, this is such a cool blog. I had a cleaner once she would only hoover & dust.
Cleaning the loo involved squirting bleach, lol
Even I can do that & I suck at cleaning ;)

Shelley said...

Deseo que tener Berta y Lupe! Or Thelma and Louise, or Lucy and Ethel. I don't care what their names are, I just want someone else to clean my house. And if they could do it for free, that would be great. At this point, I just have to wait for one of the kids to get in trouble again. The house is always cleaner when someone's in trouble.

Aubrey said...

LOL
I'm green with envy! I've been wanting to hire my own Berta y Lupe. Maybe a Guadelupe y Rosa? I'll let you know!

The Stiletto Mom said...

hahahaha!!! Good one! My housekeeper Rocio takes great joy in hiding everything we hold dear while singing in Spanish at the top of her lungs every Wednesday. I love her and she can hide everything she wants (including my children somedays) bc she keeps coming back no matter how scary the house looks!

Courtney said...

I ran across your blog via Counterfeit Farm Girl - this post had me in stitches!!!

News Readin' Wife said...

Hilarious! I have tears from laughing so hard...

Tasha said...

OMG I so need this.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh now I am left here wondering what my cleaning women are saying about me. Like you I only imagine it is all good.