Thursday, September 4, 2008

Keyword Korner




If you are a blogger and you have yet to install Google Analytics, stop what you are doing right now and go get it.  I'll wait - go on.

For those of you who aren't bloggers, Google Analytics is a sophisticated tracking system for your blog's traffic. Total number of visitors, "bounce rate", global breakdown, you name it.

The only real reason you need to get Google Analytics is the Keyword  tracking feature. In other words, what phrases did people type into Google that lead them to your blog. 

I give you: actual Keyword Searches that landed on my blog: (did not make this up)


"how to invite people out for happy hour"
um.....just a thought, but how about: "want to go out for happy hour?"


"what meaning happy hour"
it meaning many alcohols in start of night times.


"hip happy hotties"
Why, thank you ;)


"bratz fatheads"
No argument here.


"how do words be made"
Go ask the guy at happy hour.


"Jonas eat him"
Yes.


"cougars for the Jonas Brothers"
I like your thinking: we may need to organize.


"bg nipple"
I'm guessing he meant "big" but BG's nipples are hot too.


"embarrassing doctor visit butt blog turnover"
I can totally see how this sounds like me, but it wasn't me.


"where are the Jonas brothers as we speak"
Dude, I don't KNOW.


"small child kicked me in the testicles + pluto."
I'm confused- are you combining pain advice and astronomy in one search?


"Hilary Clinton's pantsuit size"
Who in God's name is googling this?


"I just want to pee on her face"
Please, please don't visit my blog again.


and last but not least,

"ginormous purple genitals"
Don't think you found what you were looking for , but good luck with that.



Google Analytics: Let someone else do the blog material for you.

61 comments:

Leslie said...

I shouldn't be laughing this loud, this late at night. I'm going to wake the babes. Thanks.
Good one though! ;)
Don't know if you ever checked my blog.... this is for you...
http://eddienalexa.blogspot.com/2008/08/valium-for-kids-really.html

Lisa-licious said...

You are no longer subject to the Blog Block Gods, obviously...that little bird was just the beginning of yet another run of fabulously humorous musings. Thanks for this great blog with great advice! Oh, and I fixed my profile problems, thanks to you! I am getting some hits (and not just from skanky old booth dwelling toll takers!...it's another story...)

Pam said...

Oh my GOODNESS! I love this! Hehe.. I check Google Analytics almost everyday. Thanks much for the laugh, and I may just have to steal this idea someday...

Caroline said...

That is so damn funny. I am downloading this now!

BacktoBarnwell said...

Yeah, I just downloaded, but question? Did you really just wait on me?

P.S. I don't know if you drink vodka, but we have the best new vodka down here...It's called Firefly sweet tea vodka and it is FA (F-ing Awesome)! I just made that up, but I like it... It tastes like spiked tea, and when you drink it, gives you the warm fuzzies all over, which i'm a huge fan of...

jill jill bo bill said...

So are you not giving us who are in Resource Blogging a step-by-step HOW-TO?

oº˚ Anissa ˚ºo said...

That was so funny -- Gone check it out! Thanks for sharing.

The Mom said...

I'm totally crying now! OMG i love to laugh!

I don't have GA, but Blog Patrol has this same feature and i'm working on my latest post about it too.

Yours is WAY funnier, yo!

Patrice said...

OMG! My abs are SORE from laughing so hard!! This is hilarious! Everytime I check Google Analytics I never have anything interesting.. the only key words people use to get on my site are "Not A Girl not yet a woman" (original) and something about britney spears Idk but basically nothing nearly as funny as this!

Kristi said...

I have never even heard of this program. What a funny thing though to see how people come to your site. I'll have to go and check it out. Thanks for the info.

Deb said...

Awesome. Consider it fate that some of those wacky people found your blog with their weird searches.

georgie said...

Loved it! I have always wondered what Google Analytics is/does...now I do TY HHSue!

Brittany said...

That is hilarious!

And seriously,what size of pantsuit do you think she wears?

Gettysburg Mom said...

All I get are "Gettysburg Family Activities" and "Things to Do in Gettysburg with Small Kids". Really? There's not much to do in Gettysburg with small kids. You can stop looking now.

Tenakim said...

God, I love those! My guess is a14 petite (Hillary's pant suit size) , but I never found out for sure.

BTW- You are a gemius when it comes to dream analyzing and next time I have a royally f****d up dream, I'm so coming to you- bill me.

ali said...

Mine are never that interesting! And why don't you know what the Jonas brothers are doing right now as we speak?

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I am afraid of having that much information about my blog. GA would probably point out:
1. How not enough people are reading my blog.
2. That sometimes freaks are reading my blog

Which would beg the question, would I rather have fewer non-freak readers, or lots of freaks?

All I know is, I have a photo of ginormous purple genitals.

(Emergency Care: 10th Edition Limmer & O'Keefe, p. 654)

Lauren said...

YOU my dear are going to get me fired for laughing so hard and loud at work!

BTW we aren't the only McCain supporters on the blogosphere. Check out a few of my daily reads. Also D.O.M. is a big supporter too. He has a really funny blog. Hope to see you around again soon. Lee is super BTW.

Wendi said...

You. are. hilarious.
And so are those googling you.
Too funny.
I just installed google analytics
a few weeks ago for this very reason.
Thanks for the laughs.

Jen said...

I am with you some of the things that send people to me are crazy but the scariest one was 'dirty 13 year old shower.' ich! and yicks!

Blessings From Above said...

"Jonas eat him"

Uhhmmm, that was probably me!

Threeboys1mommy said...

Pantsuit googler here, I worked in retail long enough to believe she's a size 8, maybe 10 not sure... what's your guess? Oh I just hope they come in my size!

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

Hilarious as usual.Thank you.
Going to download this now.

The Offended Blogger said...

Haha! Cougars for the Jonas brothers? Oh yeah, I'm in.

Hey, maybe that was Joe, trying to find you! :)

Mandy said...

I love checking my Google searches. Yours are hysterical!

Swirl Girl said...

I wonder if the Ginormous Purple Genitals is a search for why they are that way, or a proud declaration.

Shelley said...

I've always wanted to do this, but I just never have. But thanks to you, I have now signed up for Google Analytics. I hope to soon have my own awesome post about keywords people have used to find my blog. Or maybe I'll be too busy quivering in the corner to post once I have this information. Stay tuned.

Cheryl said...

too funny...
Where did you put the tracking link? At the bottom of each post or on the main page?

It's amazing what people search for...

The Nice One said...

LMAO! You inspired me!
Now, I jus tneed to figure out how to work it...where do I put that code into my blog?

Elisa said...

LOL. You made your case. I installed the program. Let's if my search works turn out to be as hilarious as yours!

Slick said...

I Looooooove my Google tracker thing.

I'm all about details anyway

Petra said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard right now, I am going to tinkle.

That is HILARIOUS!

Athena said...

For real, that is the only reason I signed up with google analytics! My favorite one so far: "What gay men do with ice cream." Huh? It wasnt even a question!

JenniBeanV said...

Nobody ever lands on my blog for anything GOOD! It will be a grand day INDEED if I ever see ginormous purple testicles on my stats page!

leigh said...

jonas eat him.
yes.

i love you. you make me not feel guilty for lusting over shia laboeuf.

Cara Starr said...

I have some awards for you at Rockstarrmom.com! Come say hi!!

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

BWAHAHAHA!! My sister is cursing you-check it out:http://foreverfatgirl.blogspot.com/ Except I'm the idiot-how and where do I install it? No, seriously, how? PLEEEEZE help!

sassy stephanie said...

That seriously killed me.

plus Pluto? HA!

Insane Mama said...

Did you see my post on this a while back? UMMM GROSS! Someone searched for "old wrinkly penis."
THEN stayed on my blog for like 12 minutes. Nice.

Aubrey said...

Ok, I'm installing but I doubt I will get the great phrases you do! I'll keep my fingers crossed that I get at least one or two good ones that will help me with blogger block!

jaime said...

ok ok ok i'm literally LMAO!

i'm so down w/ this new feature cuz i HAVE GOT to see my search words list thingy...if they're good enough i'll let you know if i post them!

and i just noticed your lil martini glass before your URL- CUTE!

Julie said...

I can't figure out how to get the freaking thing onto my blog????

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

ChineseArithmetic said...

I am no longer anonymous!

Anyway, I love reading these; one of my favorite bloggers frequently posts these and most of the searches are related to finding porn. You seem to be lucky in that some of those searches have stuff from your title!

I wonder what BG thinks about his nipples being a search topic. I bet he's quite pleased.

M.G. Helm IV said...

I just downloaded it, can't wait to see what search results come up. Thanks!

Mommy Meryl said...

I always get a kick out of looking at the keywords that someone used and ended up discovering me via google. . .

Tasha said...

"I just want to pee on her face"
Please, please don't visit my blog again.

Bahahaha! I love these.

Aleta said...

Oh phoey, I can't get the google gadget to come up. Help? I've been looking for a log ticker of some type for my blogger. Any ideas or suggestions??

Bar-b said...

stumbled upon you I don't even know how ..oh yes, I typed in "funny assed blog" and here you are. Just kidding, but you will be part of the morning routine now.

McMommy said...

The hip, happy hotties one?

Um yeah..I misread that as the hippy happy hotties.

And I was all fiery hot with anger, thinking: WHOSE CALLING US HIPPY?!?! Look, give me a break! I birthed two kids..one with no epidural...with my hippy hips!!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I have Analytics too, and I did a post about in a few weeks ago.

Funny stuff...the only reason I have it is to look at the searches. Now I don't feel quite so badly.

Me said...

Oh my god I love to read those google searches and totally didn't know about Google Analytical.

I'm on it! Statcounter can bite me.

Natalie said...

i must be stupid. i tried to add it then it told me i had to add it before some part in the html code and i was pretty much lost from that point on! i want to know who googles what to get to me too!

Ashley. Unscripted... said...

Hilarious. I would always have to laugh at the searches my old fill my subscription blog turned up. Crazies and drugs, fun fun.

Scary Mommy said...

LOL! Mine freak me out: "Mommy + boy + fuck + fun" or "husband + shit head + fun" They always seem to have the word "fuck" and are usually pretty freaky- I try not to look!!!

Allison said...

I just found your blog! I LOVE It.

I'll just give you on to spare you the long list. To find my blog, someone googled:

Laef Sex

Um. Laef is my fiance. Sex is what we do. I hope it wasn't his mom. Or his sister. Or anyone, but whatever.

Chrissy said...

you are so funny

Rene said...

OMG!! Aubrey turned me on to you and I just have to add you to my blog reader! You crack me up!!

~annie said...

How did I miss this? So funny!I've been wondering how you knew that google search stuff. Thank you. Thank you.

Mrs. Forever said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying! I obviously need to get this!

Caffeine Court said...

I love checking out my Google Analytics.

Now I'm going to try to find your post on "Ginormous Purple Genitals."

LiteralDan said...

You should add Google Webmaster Tools to your Google Account. It shows you all the searches your blog came up in, not just the ones people clicked through to.

It's fascinating, because the dirtier or weirder the search, the more likely they can tell you don't have what they're looking for, so they don't click, and you'd never know.

Enjoy!