Sunday, August 24, 2008

Musical Beds


God forbid there should ever be a fire at our house in the middle of the night. Because no one is ever in their own bed.

The only person who routinely sleeps in his own bed is my husband. The rest of us are nomads.

The guest room usually houses the most people on any given night. It has a king size bed and a small sofa.

I sleep in the guest room because my husband's snoring could probably wake the neighbors. Yes, we've tried sprays, and mouth trays and strips. (Note to self: straddling a former marine in the middle of the night while he's sleeping to try and put a nose strip on him is not smart.)

The 16 year old has never slept in his basement bedroom. He prefers the basement sofa.

My 11-year old daughter starts off in her room, but inevitably "hears something" and "can't sleep", so she curls up on the guest room sofa. 
Guest room body count: 2

The 7-year old has yet to sleep in her adorable Pottery Barn Kids bed. She is the most anxious and the least able to sleep. She climbs into bed with me....
Guest room body count: 3

Actual conversation at 11:30 pm last week:

7 year old:  Mommy, I'm scared.
Me: (almost asleep) Mmmm.
7 year old: Mommy! I can't sleep - I'm scared.
Me: What are you scared of.
7 year old: .......Ninjas.
Me: There's no such thing as ninjas. (is that true? I don't know)
7 year old: What if a Bad Guy comes in the house?
Me: I have pepper spray.
7 year old: Have you tried it?
Me: Yes.
7 year old: On a ninja?


Eventually she's falls asleep and proceeds to dig her feet into my side all night because her 7-year-old body has an internal magnet that rotates her to lie perpendicular to me. AKA "the axis of evil".

Even if ninjas do invade the house, they'll never find everyone.

49 comments:

KSK said...

Perhaps you should install an anti-ninja house alarm...

McMommy said...

Are we talkin' NINJA ninjas? Or like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ninja?

Cause I'm with your daughter...real ninjas are scary.

I'll take a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle any day though. I've got moves they've never seen. (you got my back with the pepper spray just in case, right?)

amelia bedelia said...

Don't you know Ninja's are immune to pepper spray. duh!

Insane Mama said...

We have the musical bed thing going on around here too. Nobody is ever in their own beds. It's just a little creepy when you can't find your kids in the middle of the night.

The Mom said...

My son has perfected the Axis of Evil...don't ever sleep with him.

That sounded so wrong.

Did you hear about the J Bros and their purity rings. dammit.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Our house is like that too.

Hubby=asleep in the recliner
9 yr old=asleep on the couch
5 yr old=could be floor/couch/my bed, anywhere but his bed
14 yr old=in her room (amazing!)

Jen said...

Good thing that you have the guest room. What happens when there are guests? Do the guests end up with 3 extra people in there?

Tiffany said...

I just LOVE it when my son pops me in the face with one of his sprawling arms. It's make sleeping a sport. Kinda like dodgeball except with little arms.

Amy said...

And I thought MY kids were the only ones who refuse to sleep in their room.

Tenakim said...

I must be a spoiled rotten brat when it comes to sleeping! EVERYONE in my house sleeps in their own bed EVERY night and I wouldn't have it any other way! I guess that might be different if we had ninjas.

Lisa-licious said...

Dear Sue,
Now that you (my blogger IDOL) have posted a comment on my newish blog, I can die happy!!! I am sure you can't imagine my elation at seeing a comment posted, only to see that it was from YOU! I am going to brag to all my "girlies"!!! Anyway, I am glad to know my family isn't the only one that plays "Musical Beds"...I tell people that my youngest sleeps "Feng Shui" . And I have been bruised in the night, Tiffany...

Southern Fried Girl said...

Two words that saved my marriage (and me from pummeling my hubs in his sleep):

CPAP machine.

Google it.

Snoring is the most awful thing ever. Makes you wanna hurt people.

That's not just me, right?

I am Boymom said...

Hey! Where's the Hot blogger Calendar post? I was gonna tell you I don't know who to vote for, you or McMommy!! Don't make me choose! As for the bed situation, I have the same issue, snoring husband and boys who never stay in their own beds. Hubby starts out in the recliner and then moves up to the bed. I ususally end up in one of their beds halfway through the night because of the sideways sleeping thing and they sleep with the Snore King!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

Perhaps I should start with musical beds in my house... we're all where we're supposed to be... what if the ninja's happen upon my house? I guess people would check if I were to stop blogging!

Shelley said...

I love your diagram. It makes things so much easier to picture. When I first looked at it, I thought the people that were X'ed out were dead. I'm glad that's not the case.

My husband snores loudly too, but that's only because given the choice, he'd sleep on his back. Luckily he sleeps like the dead (with an X over him), so when I shove him over onto his side to make him stop, he doesn't notice.

I'm a mean mom too, because I've always had a rule (barring a thunderstorm), that there are no children allowed in my bed, ever. I've always said that if they get scared or can't sleep or whatever, that they are more than welcome to bring a pillow and blanket into my room and sleep on the floor next to me. But not in the bed. Because, you see, I am a very light sleeper, and I cannot sleep with little feet up my butt. I just can't. And when mom doesn't get enough sleep, the next day isn't fun. For anybody. Thank God there are no ninjas in my house.

Mommie Mayhem said...

Sounds like my house. I have bad insomnia . So I always end up on the couch or in the guest room. My two yr old and four yr old are up 30 x a night and always wide up in a different place from where they originally laid down.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Chances are the ninja would only find your husband. And if he's an ex-marine, he should be able to take on a ninja and win.

So tell your daughter it all good!

Holy Crappers said...

I have no where to go when the Book snores. All rooms are taken. I usually go on the couch.

#1

Leslie said...

haha Ninjas, that's just too much. Here in my house it's Monster's. Because of the movie Monster's Inc, which is geared towards children right? But even though it's all play and fun and their favorite movie and they watch it everyday, they still think monsters are going to jump out of the closet. UGH!!! Maybe I'd rather they say something like ninjas, because after all, it's my fault for letting them watch this stupid movie right? LOVE your diagram too btw.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I think the ex-Marine needs to sleep in the guest room...(says the wife of the ex-Naval Officer who also ends up on the nice quiet couch...)

The Nice One said...

That's so funny you say that about the husband...I remember trying to wake my dad (ex airforce/vietnam) as a kid and it was a terrifying experience!
Yea...the traveling bed situation looks SO FAMILIAR!! The Girl Child is afraid that Coyotes can get into the house.

oº˚ Anissa ˚ºo said...

I know how you feel about the snoring my husband does to. If you find something that works please let me know. My baby boy starts in his bed and then ends up in mine.

Emily said...

That is funny as hell. Hence the title of my blog: One Is Not So Lonely
I just have to worry about my dog!Hilarious!

Meg said...

You know, a little alcohol in a sippy cup never hurt anyone.

Shannon said...

LOL! Your diagram is too funny.

I'm the only one here at my house who is not in their correct bed. Most nights I'm on the couch due to ny husband's snoring. Or 'cause I've just fallen asleep there while watching TV!

JenniBeanV said...

Tell your daughter that you read on the internet that Ninjas hate pepper spray! It's their kryptonite!

Lipstick said...

Way to go on that diagram. I love your description of the "internal magnet"...how is it that all kids are like that?

Jen said...

that diagram is awesome.

my daughter also is good at the axis of evil. she sleeps with me when dh is out of down and oh my. i about slept in her room last night, me and my bruised ribs.

FlowerGirl said...

I'd kick a ninja's ass... I usually don't get the kick in the spleen until like 5:30... like an hour before it's time to get up. Yeah, thanks kid... Unless I'm on the couch... Thanks Rain...

Drowsey Monkey said...

Well ... have you tried it on a ninja? You didn't answer. I'm curious too.

Your husband needs a sleep apnea machine ... snoring is dangerous. Not just because you could smack him on the head or something ... but it's not healthy.

I have one of those machines,makes me look like that serial killer who ate people ... it's very fetching.

Invisible Woman said...

I begin the child hunt every day at 5:15 a.m. Actually took 15 minutes of panic-filled searching to find the 6yo a few weeks ago. She had been last spotted asleep upstairs. When I screamed her name she emerged sleepily with blankie and pillow from--get this--the built-in cabinet below the living room TV. Claimed it was 'cozy' in there. I was certain the Lindbergh kidnapper had struck again!

Jen said...

Apparently Ninjas are real. Ssshh, don't tell your daughter.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080817224220AALp3us

You gotta love yahoo answers. These people know everything!

This post is HILARIOUS, btw!! That diagram is great. I kept referring to it the whole time I was reading it. :)

Darrin said...

HA! Holy crap I can relate to this post! My youngest will come up with ANY excuse to sleep in our room.

BTW, I knew this blog HAD to be good when I first saw the title. You haven't dissapointed, and you've scored another regular reader!
Cheers.

Gettysburg Mom said...

Hmmm... Our kids sleep in their respective rooms, but not in their beds. Both the 8 year old and the 4 year old sleep in little nests of blankets and pillows on the floor... right next to their beds. Am I supposed to make the floor when they get up for the day?

Brittany said...

I think the bad part is, I look at this and think, why can't this be MY life!? I need more beds.

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

We have the same Musical Bed problem at our house...I was hoping that we would be past it soon, but now I am not so sure. At one point I would be in my son's bed, our bed, the floor, and finally the couch to get some sleep that grouch mommy really needs!

We have not had any ninja problems yet...but we do have Ernie problems from Sesame Street...My son things that his stuffed Ernie is standing up and is going to get him...Ernie has since been banished to the upstairs bedroom.

Elisa said...

Ah, you have been remiss. You haven't made sure the pepper spray works on ninjas. Your task for the day: go find a ninja and try the pepper spray on him. Stat.

Of course once you have done that there will be some other good reason not to go to sleep. Such is the nature of kids when it comes to going to sleep (and letting parents sleep). Ah, they joys of motherhood.

Threeboys1mommy said...

After reading all of these comment, I'm starting to think... maybe I am an Alpha Mom. I've been duct taping them to their bed posts from the get! Oh and how do you have a 16 year old? Oh and where'd the picture of your big sunglasses go?

h31n0us said...

With my son, it used to be monsters. Then we found a special anti-monster spray that he was allowed to use in small doses (it's powerful stuff.) We disguised it from the monsters by labeling it 'Febreze.'

Perhaps there's one for ninja too.

Practically Joe said...

Sometimes I sleep here in my computer chair ... I stay up too late and often my head just lowers to my keyboahbi'waaaei 'v' tonnb jsg .... zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

Stinky John Jones said...

Unfortunately we won't have that problem during a house fire. Everyone in the house, including the dog, sleeps in our bed. So really, if we need to get out, we can just roll the entire thing out the door.

Kathi said...

Ha! This is so funny! Your drawing could be of my house at night!! Just came over here from Steph at the Scoop from the Loop. Nice to meet ya!

Tasha said...

"I sleep in the guest room because my husband's snoring could probably wake the neighbors. Yes, we've tried sprays, and mouth trays and strips. (Note to self: straddling a former marine in the middle of the night while he's sleeping to try and put a nose strip on him is not smart.)"

D to the ITTO!!!! I've had a back ache for the last eight years from "sleeping" on the futon in the loft!

JennP said...

oh my goodness! i am relieved to read the conversation with your 7 year old. My 6 year old is the same way. Always worried about some bad guys climbing a ladder to come and kidnap her while she is sleeping beside me in my bed. She thinks there is no way anyone in the neighborhood would notice a strange person climbing to the 2nd floor, and she thinks i would not hear if someone broke the window to come in my room (she is probably right on that one though) hehehe every night it's something else. We have temporarily moved her twin mattress to the floor beside my bed so that i could actually get some sleep!!

Jeff T said...

too freakin' funny! our son is like a jumping bean. continually gets up at 1am AND 3am, goodbye full night sleep! and then when he screams into our room we just about JUMP out of bed. THEN he is like, "WHERE's MY PILLOW! MOVE OVER DADDY!" My thought, "F that, I'm going to YOUR bed buddy!" ahhhh, the comfort of a twin bed at 3am is very welcoming!

and BTW, Ninjas are totally real. I wanted to be one when I was a teen.

Jeff T said...

too freakin' funny! our son is like a jumping bean. continually gets up at 1am AND 3am, goodbye full night sleep! and then when he screams into our room we just about JUMP out of bed. THEN he is like, "WHERE's MY PILLOW! MOVE OVER DADDY!" My thought, "F that, I'm going to YOUR bed buddy!" ahhhh, the comfort of a twin bed at 3am is very welcoming!

and BTW, Ninjas are totally real. I wanted to be one when I was a teen.

kwr221 said...

This is EXACTLY what happens at my house.

Except I only have 2 children.

And DH migrates to the couch with the view of the big ass TV, and NUmber One Son leaves the comfort of his double bed bunk bed for the basement with the TV.

That leaves me with the king size bed, control of the remote and the sometimes company of DD who manages to take up more room than my large-by-any-standards husband with her tossing and turning.

I guess it's not really yhe same, huh? Nevermind.
:-)

T Williams said...

I hear "I had a really bad feelin'. Can I get in your bed?" every.single.night. Yay kids!

Jill said...

Oh my, this sounds just like our house... On any given night you'll find at least one kidlet in our bed. I'm so tired that I don't even realize it until I have a stinky pull up resting on some part of my body.