Thursday, August 28, 2008

Fear of Flying


There are people who "don't like" to fly.
There are people who say "flying makes them nervous".
There are people who say they "are afraid to fly".
And then there's me. 

For me to even pass through the Revolving Door of Hell at the airport entrance, I must be so high on pharmaceuticals and alcohol that I need a "handler".

I have tried flying sober. I have tried "relaxation techniques" and "positive visualization". It is a damn miracle I didn't wrench the emergency exit open mid-flight. My heart pounds, my palms sweat and suddenly I have the acute hearing of a Doberman pinscher:

 WHAT WAS THAT? Was that the engine shutting off? Oh God, there's no engine. We're going to die. And what was that noise? The landing gear malfunctioning? What if we lose cabin pressure? What if there's a bomb in the luggage? What if that stewardess is an Al Queada operative who's been training for this moment to kill us all with a deadly poison in the airducts? I bet she's already made her suicide video. What if a bird gets sucked into the engine? What if someone opens the emergency exit in panic in mid-flight? Oh, wait - that's me.

SO.......the medication plan is as follows: 

1 Xanax in car ride to airport
3/4 of a water bottle filled with chardonnay at check-in
another 1/2 Xanax waiting for takeoff...

 = "Me? I have no froblem plying."

44 comments:

Denise Thomas said...

NO!! Don't take the first Vitamin X in the CAR!!!! What if your flight is DELAYED? That is a waste of good pharmaceuticals, my friend. Take the first X after you have confirmed that you are leaving on time, then the next one mid-flight. TRUST ME.
I knew we were soul sistas. If God had meant for me to spend time locked up in a tuna fish can hurling my way across the globe with some lunatic at the helm, he would have...I don't know what, but you see my point.

Caroline said...

No that's just damn funny! "Fos pas froplms plying wth zanx"? Weeeeeeee!

Merrie said...

Yowza. And good luck to you.

Swirl Girl said...

That actually made me snort ...

I am with you on the hating flying.
In fact, I hate all modes of transportation other than feet. And, I am not too crazy about them either.

Jason said...

Always nice to hear that there are others out there that have the same fears!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

See I don't have a problem taking off and landing, it's the part in the air when you can't really tell that you are moving that bothers me. The "cruising altitude". That crap freaks me out!

Jen said...

well at least you know what works. I don't have one question, are you able to walk on the plane or do your traveling buddies have to 'help' you? (by help I mean carry)

scargosun said...

Good point Denise!

I totally agree with her plan.

Heather said...

OMG!! I am the EXACT way when I fly. Perhaps that is why I hardly EVER do it. But when flying is absolutely necessary I pop a Dramamine and tell the flight attendant to wake me when we land!!! Works like a charm!!!

However I think I like you plan better as it involves alcohol!!!

Star said...

Oh man...I hate flying. It doesn't help that the last two planes I have been on had mechanical or near miss issues.

I even got so tense once (while 10 weeks pregnant) I gave myself major low back issues, sciatica and couldn't get out of bed. Actually could not physically move and had to be hoisted out and carried to doc by my hubby.

Nope....no likey planes.

schnaarzy said...

Hey! I heard Joe Jonas is learning to fly and needs practice passengers, you in?

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I am so glad I can't afford to fly. I might try that Xanax plan for driving across long bridges with kids in the car. That way I won't spend the entire time across trying to figure out which child I should save after we plunge into the watery abyss below.

ali said...

I had my first panic attack while watching that movie about the plane that went down in PA. I've never flown before but I think you get what I mean when I say that I'm afraid of the fear. On a happy note, my last panic attack was in October of last year!!!

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious!

Crayl said...

For the record, they won't let you past security with that 'water' bottle. They do have bars near the gates in many airports.

jill jill bo bill said...

Remind me not to sit by you on our way to New York for the shoot? Oh, wait...I'm not going! That's right!

Lisa-licious said...

Yeah, Sue, you better get over this fear before you have to fly to NYC for your calendar shoot...how many times can we vote for you, anyway? I now have my sis in Atlanta hooked on your blog, and she said she got all HER "girlies" hooked now, too! That doesn't make us hookers, does it??!! You're still my idol...

Brittany said...

I agree with Denise, you must visually confirm your flight is on time before the first Xanax popping, then proceed with drug program as planned.

Kristi O said...

I am so cracking up! We live in a small town and only have these 30 passenger tubes to fly out of here, they rock, rattle and roll and thats just the take off, they are loud and sounds like a tin can on fire the whole flight, I keep repeating my mantra the whole trip "the pilot and his friend up there don't want to die, they don't want to die, they do this everyday!" my bff flying is ativan and then all is well.

Linda S said...

Didn't anyone tell you Xanax and Chardonnay don't mix? You need straight whiskey to do the trick...X + JD = Mama gives the pilot a lap dance!

Tenakim said...

Are you going somewhere? I love to fly! My husband's like you- that makes for a fun trip- the one time we actually went somewhere!

JenniBeanV said...

LOL! That sounds like a great plan! and kinda like a party I got invited to once...

TentCamper said...

Looks like I found a good one here!!! Found you through Reader and I love your blog!!!! I am adding you to my blogroll.

Sounds like you might be flying higher than the airpane. Good plan.

ciara said...

ha ha lmao..not at your anxiety of flying, but the other part lol did you know you have more of chance of a car accident than something happening w a plane? not that that's any consolation. :-/ lol

lmao @ schnaarzy he is kinda cute ;-)

Tiffany said...

I've never been on a plane before. And yall thought stuck in the sticks was a joke huh?

oº˚ Anissa ˚ºo said...

I have never been in an airplane and don't ever plan to. I am scared to death to even think about it!

leigh said...

i have to agree with denise. taking the first pill in the car is just a waste.

here'e my strategy:
board plane.
place carry-ons in overheard bin, take seat and strap in.
take two pills and let dissolve in mouth.
be jolted awake as landing plane hits tarmack.

works every time!!!!

Julie said...

OMG, I could have written this myself! I don't leave for the airport without my Xanax ready. Then it's a few drinks in the airport lounge (don't care if it's 7am) and a whole lot of slurred prayers after that. I have to fly nonstop because once I hit terra firma, my ass is staying put...I ain't going back up into the friendly skies without a court order!

Julie said...

Oh, and I tried being positive about it once, saying "If it's my day to go, so be it".

To which my ex-hasbeen replied "What if it's the pilot's day to go?"

Arrrrgh.

georgie said...

I am one of the ones wo does NOT like to fly...I vote for the full IV drip when entering a plane...yanno I am the one in the wheelchair slumpped over with slobber coming outta my mouth-yep thats me and I am proud

Gettysburg Mom said...

Flying is much better than eighteen hours in a minivan with three kids. You have to be sober to drive the minivan.

Blessings From Above said...

You are so funny on your blog when you are sober. Well, at least I think you are usually sober when you post? I can only imagine the hilarity that ensues when you are all loopy!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man...I love to fly. I wish I could do it more often.

I've been flying since I was 11, so it's old hat to me. I was a little shaky for the year or so after 9/11, but I got over it.

Rebecca Jo said...

Girl...I'm with you 200%

Melody said...

This post was amazing! I'm about to fly back to NY from New Zealand {i am visiting my family} and am so dreading the flight. It's 13 hours to LA and then I have another entire day of flying back to NY...including layovers. your "solution" sounds perfect. Now....I just have to get my hands on some zanx! :) i'm so glad I don't have my son with me.....it would make it 10x's harder.

Deb said...

I disagree with the panel. Take the Xanax in the car, and also take one when you find out you're leaving on time!!!!

I just used Xanax to rid me of my recent travel jitters. Next time I'll try the chardonnay.

Belita Rose said...

I am so there! Palms sweating, plane crashing at any moment. All of it! The first couple times I flew I tried to imagine a giant little boy flying us safely from one airport to the next, but then I actually spent some time with little boys!!!

Courtney said...

I hope you and I are never on a plane together! I have to be completely knocked out or I will have the whole plane in hysterics before take off.

I am surprised they have let me on board at times because of the xanax and wine combo.

Flying isn't natural, it doesn't make sense and I hate it. But I love to travel. Hmmm....

Twisted Lisa said...

I hear ya! They once confiscated my water bottle filled with Vodka...Bummer.
I bestow upon you the Twisted Sister Award...you make me Laugh.
Twisted Sister Award

The Nice One said...

LMAO @ Denise Thomas, that's a pretty good point!
I have never indulged in the X factor. It frightens me a little. Thankfully I'm good with an in flight cocktail featuring Vodka and a splash of sprite.

San Diego Momma said...

OK, does that recipe work? BECAUSE I NEED IT TO WORK!

I am phobic, PHOBIC, I tell you. And I am willingly flying to NYC next month to celebrate my 40th. Five hours in a plane. By myself.

All the things you said? Bird in engine? Al Queda operative? I've been through the same mind scenarios, including but not limited to, a shoulder-mounted missile attack on my plane.

Pray for me.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh this is SO me. I flew for the first time n 10 YEARS this summer!

Xanax Side Effects said...

My name is Wendy Angus and i would like to show you my personal experience with Xanax.

I am 45 years old. Have been on Xanax for 2 years now. In working with a wonderful doctor and therapist, I have learned Meniere's Disease is an anxiety=provoked condition, and is the worst thing I have ever suffered in my life. To manage this, I take a low dose of Wellbutrin everyday and have a 1mg Rx for Xanax, which I am supposed to take 3x-a-day, but to be honest, I usually only take about 3-1mg a week, so only taking it when I honestly feel "too anxious". I also take Meclizine for the Meniere's attacks and those are only as needed as well. I feel the Xanax is better to have around than not, for my personal conditions. It took me a long time to balance out my meds, and taking too much xanax feels as horrible as the withdrawl can be, as I've experienced both. Now, after much time in getting to know what my body needs and how I am feeling (like with anxiety), and removing the 'stigma' of having to take a drug to manage my conditions is now over, taking just a few pills a week seems to work beautifully.

I have experienced some of these side effects -
It makes me very thirsty (dry mouth) but seems to work well in combination with other drugs for my conditions with no ill effects.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Wendy Angus

Ramesh said...

With the panic attacks I get it seems xanax works fairly fast, when I feel one coming on, or even when I am in the middle of one. It calms me down, and I can cope. I have taken it for several years, and have felt no side effects. I am glad it is available to me.