Supersize Me

OK. I hate to cook. There it is.

Hate it, hate it, hate the mess, hate the cleanup, hate all of it.

When you look up my blogger profile you won't find that my other blog is "Happy Hour Sue In The Kitchen!". (but do feel free to enjoy "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession".

So every time my husband goes away on business, I take a cooking vacation. Culinary outsourcing. EVERY time. Lazy, party of 1. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Whether it's one night or five, you're more likely to find a pygmy stripper playing Dance Dance Revolution in my kitchen than a warm fry pan.

(whoa- I can't seem to shake that visual...)

Anyway. Of course I always get busted when my husband calls.

Husband: Hey! What're you guys doing?
Me: Oh you know, same old.- Gettin' ready for dinner...
Husband: Yeah? What's for dinner?
Me: What?
Husband: What's for dinner?
Me: Don't let the dog get that!!! Sorry. Stupid dog.
Husband: What're you making?
Me: Oh! Tonight? The kids wanted Taco Bell....
Husband: Didn't you do Burger King last night?
Me: What?
Husband: Didn't you just have Burger King?
Me: What? No. Oh! Yeah. We were out.
Husband: Out?
Me: Yeah. Out....getting Burger King.
Husband: (sighs) Are they getting ANY vegetables this week?
Me: Totally. Monday we had Subway.
Husband: Collin has onions, Lorelei likes it plain and Brie has bacon.
Me: Oh shoot! The toilet's overflowing!
Husband: Just make 'em some pasta or something tomorrow...
Me: Right. Or pizza. Probably pasta. Italian for sure.

Random

So I've been getting a lot of comments lately like "You should post more often", to which I usually respond with the standard "Your MOTHER should post more often."

Which always endears me to my readers.

So I asked some people if I should just post random unrelated crap if I don't have a full post to write and they said "What? Oh, sorry- I was reading Dooce's very long and well-written post."

So, Random Crap:
*******************************

This?  Is RETARDED.

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Yesterday I overheard my 8 year old say to her friend, "You don't know Rolling Stone MAGAZINE???? The Rolling Stones were the best band ever and they have their own magazine that makes fun of the president."

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On Friday I asked my tween to help me with some dance songs for my party and she goes, "So, like from 2002 right?" then posted this on Facebook:

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When I went to search Google for a funny .gif I saw of Robert Pattinson sneezing for my Twilight blog, the first result was a Sneeze Fetish forum. One of the posters said "I think that photo is a cough but I'm letting my imagination run wild." and if you don't believe me go here.


***********(are these stars or snowflakes?**********

And lastly, if you haven't seen it, more hilarity thanks to Kanye West:

Remember September 11th

Do you remember what you were doing?

Comment of the Day

First of all, here's why Google Images is awesome.

To find a graphic for this post, ('cause I always give you guys a graphic 'cause I am FULL SERVICE like that) I searched "woman computer" and found THIS

Which, on an ordinary day would be an unsurpassable find, except that further down I saw THIS chick with the Headline "Woman Arrested for Beastiality"..

Turns out, she called the cops to turn her boyfriend in for child pornography, but when they searched the computer, they found 2 videos of her having sex with a beagle.

***Awkwarrrrrd***

You can read about it here.


Anyway. On to today's comment.


Oliver has left a new comment on your post "Duggars. Again.":

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Wilson

Dear Oliver/Wilson,


Thank you for reading along and leaving your first comment. It was a nice comment. I enjoy comments. I look forward to your frequent visits and subsequent comments. Please let me know if you would rather be called "Oliver" or "Wilson".


Sue

UPDATE!!!

At several commentor's suggestions, I checked out Oliver/Wilson's blog and have to share THIS, possibly the greatest blog post ever:

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2009

Think Again Before You Get on That Treadmill

When you must like any othere are no change of these ther forward. The leg backward direction the leg back in the forward. Becausing to dodge, potholes the machine.

If you are conscious of your health and fitness, thiswebsite is the must visit one. It aims at simplifying treadmill workouts with easy-to-follow methods and tips. Treadmill workout can never be a horrfying expereince if we follow the experts tips on the site. Thewebsite also has a section that deals with different types of treadmill models, price comparison and excellent reviews of all popular brands.

Just get one leg backward. When using a treadmills the effects of treadmill belt rolls in as it is the legs is balance during in make surface forward. This creases to keep you and your hips flexors.

Weekend LOL Video

OMG how much do I love this dude.

He's just all: Getting up is hard.

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over - watch more funny videos

Duggars. Again.

Um.......OK.

The Duggars have announced they're expecting their 19th child.

NINETEENTH child.

Now. Before all you "Anonymous"s get all jacked up and start composing your "every child is a gift" comments let me say: Settle down.

SETTLE DOWN.

This is not a judgement on Michelle and Jim-Bob.

I just think...Michelle maybe needs a little help - girl-to-girl - on saying... "NO".

And so I have composed a list of excuses for her to use, when the situation arises (that's you, Jim-Bob).

#1. I have a headache.

#2. I have to wash my hair.

#3. I have to style my hair into a poufy mullet.

#4. I have swine flu.

#5. I'm gay.

#6. One of our 19 children might hear us.

#7. There are no more names that start with 'J' left.

#8. My lady-ness is stretched out to the size of a Hyundai.


Just sayin'.

You're welcome.

MWF seeks GMBFF

I need a gay friend.

I am so not kidding.

My life would be so complete - I fantasize about it all the time.

I would listen to his boy problems and he would tell me how fabulous my hair looks. Then we'd shop a bit, stop for an appletini and maybe catch the 7:00 showing of the Time Traveler's Wife.

And he would know who Kate Gosslein is and agree with me that she must've had a tummy tuck cuz no one's belly button is that high up.

Can anyone set me up?

Cuz how badly do I want to hang out with THESE guys:

I Love It When People Give Me Things

So I'm going through my Gmail, (which is usually a 50/50 split of new Twitter followers and tragic Nigerian millionaire heiresses who need my help), and there's an offer from the PR girl for Sanita Clogs saying she wants to send me a FREE pair of clogs, no strings attached.

"We're not asking for a review or even a mention, we just want you to be happy." was her direct quote.

And then the skies parted and some bluebirds alighted on my computer because THIS is my clog collection:

I know. I'm like travel-team level clog wearer.



So I power-surf over to their site and pick out THESE

because honestly they are so adorable I could just go blind looking at them.

and then the girl emails me "OK I just need your home address." and I'm all: "Please tell me you're not a psychotic killer who's going to show up at my door and use my skin for a coat." and she's all "No- I just had a baby." and I'm thinking well she could leave the baby with a sitter while she's on her clog-deception murder spree....but I'm willing to take the chance because LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Plus I have mad kickboxing skillz and anyway she's probably wicked sleep-deprived from having a new baby and everyone knows sleep-deprived mass murderers can be taken down with one roundhouse to the head.

Fabulously cute clogs: $ zero dollars

Shipping for new clogs: $ zero dollars

Not having your fingertips made into a necklace: priceless.

More Twitter Recap

1. MEMO TO THOSE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER:
   I have compiled for you a samplingof the insightful, educational and thought-provoking morsels of genius that you are missing. After reading this, you will say either
   A) How have I missed out on this all this time orB) What a douche.
   Your call.
   
   
   
   
   Me to husband at open casket tonite: 'We Catholics kneel and pray." Husband of 13 years: "You're Catholic?"7:28 PM Aug 12th from twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
2. Newest follower of my blog's "About Me': "I like reading, photography, music, travel, people watching, porn."
   12:29 PM Aug 11th from web
   
3. What to do after Shark Week? I propose Worm Week. Who's with me.
   9:59 PM Aug 9th from twhirl
   
4. 8 year old: "Mom? I'm going out. I'll be on my scooter."
   7:05 PM Aug 9th from web
   
5. Considering outsourcing my next blog post to India.
   1:51 PM Aug 8th from web
   
6. Headed to the Apple store's 'Genius Bar". Cocky bastards.
   9:52 AM Aug 8th from twhirl
   
7. I have so much laundry to do I'm tempted to throw it out and buy new stuff.
   4:39 PM Aug 3rd from twhirl
   
8. Oh Lord the BlogHer09 pics have arrived. First one I opened was of a gay guy's cherry boxers. Am serious about my craft.
   10:57 AM Jul 29th from web
9. 
   8 year old: "I hate golf camp. All the kids tell me I'm holding the bat wrong."
   
   1. 8:25 AM Jul 23rd from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
   2. True bizarre moment: Woman led by seeing eye dog in restaurant bathroom tonight complimented my daughter's flower on her toenail.
      10:04 PM Jul 20th from twhirl
      
   3. My editor just called. OK that's a lie. I don't have an editor. I just always wanted to say that. 7:56 PM Jul 19th from twhirl
   4. 
      
   5. After 2 margaritas, husband looks at me and goes 'You're a good woman." Putting Cuervo in his oatmeal tomorrow.
      6:37 PM Jul 18th from twhirl
      
   6. My sister in NYC just lost her nanny to Gisele and Tom Brady. That's like losing your husband to Angelina: who can compete with that?
      9:59 PM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      8 year old: 'When you kidnap someone, do you use a net?8:03 AM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      Dr. put me on new sleeping pill. Took it at  10 last nite, fell asleep at computer and walked into a wall. Can't decide if this is good or bad.3:13 PM Jul 9th from twhirl
      
      
      When a bromance breaks up: "Dudevorce".12:13 PM Jul 8th from twhirl
      
      
      
      1. 
         
         OK. So we're over the Michael Jackson thing, yes?10:56 AM Jul 8th from twhirl
      2. 
         
         
         1. 
            
            
            
            
            
            
         2. Sparklers are like the geeks of the fireworks community.
         3. 1:39 PM Jul 4th from web
         4. 
            
            
            
            
            
            1. 8pm: Had a big rum and coke. 9pm:Did killer TV workout. 10pm: had cookies. Am retarded.9:10 PM Jun 26th from web
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               That smoke detector chick is so non-
            committal it's like she knows it's only 
            Bagel Bites. "fire...  fire..   fire.. "      
            7:11 PM Jun 24th from twhirl
            1. 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
            2. 
               
               
               
               
               I thought having a sponsor for BlogHer meant someone who wouldn't let you drink too much.2:38 PM Jun 23rd from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
            3. Sweet. It's only days til the Xmas ornaments 
               in my dining room switch from "late" to "early".11:01 AM Jun 23rd from twhirl
            4. 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               11 year old: "my cinnamon gum has lost so much flavor it tastes like ham."7:52 PM Jun 18th from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               1. Um, FYI? If you're looking to find out if Dick's has kids tennis clothes...it's NOT Dick's.com. Ew.7:22 PM Jun 14th from web
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
               2. 
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  Happy digital TV conversion day, everyone! That was exciting.10:02 AM Jun 12th from twhirl
               3. 
                  
                  What if my follower 'SexyBigDickLeo' is a sexy guy named Leo who's just a jerk?5:16 PM Jun 5th from twhirl
                  
                  8 year old: "What's a stalker?" Me: "someone who calls you, follows you, won't leave you alone." Her: "Like you and me."3:05 PM Jun 4th from twhirl
                  
                  Follow Me!!!! Twitter.com/HappyHourSue
                  
                  1. 
                     
                     
                     
                     

The Ice Cream Truck

Please explain this to me.

Explain to me why the sight of a white truck carrying ice cream sends every kid from 2 to 15 into a Fema-grade panic.

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!!

MOM!!!! MOM!!!!!

IT"S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!! WHERE'S YOUR MONEY???!!!!!!

Dude. We HAVE ice cream at home. In the freezer. Right now. Ben & Jerry's, some Chipwiches and FreezerPops. You never ask for it.

Granted, it's not shaped like a rocket or SpongeBob with gumballs for eyes....

Maybe it's just the novelty of a refreshing treat that travels.

I could kinda see...

HONEY!!!!! HONEY!!!!!!!!!

It's the COCKTAIL TRUCK!

For the love of God, Where's your MONEY??????!!!!!

Hieroglyphics

While at our vacation house, we came across a blow up baby pool with this on the side:

Which as far as I can decipher means
"Bow down to aliens from striped rockets that might shoot lasers out of their eyes"

and

"Don't take midgets spear-fishing."

Probably good advice on both counts.

Blogger Conference Tips

As the old saying goes,

"You know it's going to be a great trip when someone is rocking a Snuggie on the plane."

(actual pic from my cellphone)




Not sure how I swam up from my Xanax stupor to think to take a picture, but...yay, me.

So. Chicago. BlogHer '09. Henceforth known as "Vodka-tea-palooza '09."

I had 8 "break-out sessions" earmarked for attendance over the weekend. I made it to 2. Barely.

The problem being the slacker-tastic discovery of "Chicago Burger" on the bottom level of the Sheraton, where me, my roommate Lisalicious and Tenakim took our waiter Manny's advice and tried some vodka teas.

You would be AMAZED how many free drinks you can get if you have Lisa's cleavage with you. I am taking her with me when I buy my next car.

Anyway, if you attend a blogging conference, here are my tips:

#1. Decorate the outside of your door

A. Dorm-esque wipeboard
B. Blog logo names
C. Stolen conference sign


#2. Definitely ride the Quaker Oatmeal smoothie-generator bike on the Expo floor

#3 Keep track of your bathtub gangsters or they WILL get in trouble

#4 When in doubt, ALWAYS choose cocktails with your girls over conference meetings.

#5 Go to the city's gay district Saturday night instead of the bowling party.

#6 Sunday morning erase all photos from Saturday night.