Monday, June 14, 2010

Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

F*ck if I know.

All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.

Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.

But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road.  So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.

Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.

Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.

Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"

Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"

(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)

So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.

And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.

Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)

Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)

Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)

Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)

Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)

Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)

Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)

Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)

Gamera: "That was unnecessary."

Me: "Agreed. I apologize."

Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."

Me:" OK then."

Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."

Me: "Whatever."


cfoxes33 said...

That turtle was huge!

I hate subtitles!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

you know your steering wheel turns, right? if you go hard right, you can actually go off the road and around obstacles. like when i see large garbage bags that are probably, most likely, definitely full of body parts and voodoo paraphernalia.
you don't want to hit those. ick. and ew.

Patrice said...

lol So did you run over it?!?! I totally would have...

fojoy said...

That is hilarious!
"That was unnecessary..."

Former Fat Chick said...

my oldest lasted 1 month as a pizza delivery guy- he ran over 2 armadillos, 1 iguana, 1 raccoon (he hopes it wasn't someones cat.

♥ Kathy said...

That was freaking hilarious! On a serious note, I own a 21 (almost 22) year old snapping turtle. Easy way to tell they are snappers...their front feet are skinny with long claws and their back feet are fat and webbed with short claws. True story. They use the back feet to swim and the front feet to dig and tear up critters that are smaller then them, er, um, I mean their food :)

Laura said...

You deserve a statue.
I suggest a snapshot from that YT vid in bronze.

foxy said...

Of course it happens on the day that you still have your pjs on. OF COURSE. Wait, is that every day??

carolyn said...

What is with those crazy snapping turtles? I had a similar experience and later realized that they can do major damage. No more Mrs. Nature Loving Mom.

If I wasn't worried about damage to the car- I'd be tempted to run them over next time!

Good Luck-

MommyTime said...

You rock the hilarious. Also? You are seriously brave and lucky. You do realize that a snapping turtle of that size could break your hand or sever fingers in one bite, don't you? Score one for good intentions!

3 Peanuts said...

So glad I am not the only Mom driving carpool in my pajamas.

Merrie said...

A giant snapping turtle in the middle of the road -- what are the odds? Actually, the odds go up if you wear your pajamas in the car. A little known fact that may help you in the future.

Henley on the Horn said...

It's time for you to quit driving to school, isn't it? Or are y'all year round? Enjoy the break because that means NO MORE CArPOOL!

Jodi said...

I stop to take box turtles out of the road if it is safe to do so (I have 2 pet box turtles). But snappers? They're on their own. Mean as hell bitches, they are.

Lipstick said...

Hilarious and bizarrely brave as well. Turtles are so gross to me what with those retreating legs and the hard shell and the bead-ey eyes. It makes me want to vomit. I never said I was normal....just nauseous.

reese said...

That is one big ol' ugly turtle!!!!

sevenalstons said...

Man oh man are you ever brave ~ that turtle is frickin huge! And as much as I love turtles, I would have been way too scared to try to pick that one up :) I hope your kids know that you totally rock!!!

choochoo said...

it's a little known fact that Kung Fu Turtle is the real Kung Fu Panda. Mmmmmhm.

Lisa said...

Left you some blog love ...

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Claudia Lawrence said...

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Anonymous said...

Love your posts, but I'm so disappointed that you don't post more often. What kind of slacker Mom doesn't ignore their kids to entertain friends?

HappyHourSue said...

Dear Readers- please ignore the comments in Japanese from Gamera.

Anonymous said...

Thank Goodness you are alive...thought Mothura had swooped down and carried you off..PJ's and all!

handstowar said...

Hey... at least you're earning points in heaven right?

Swirl Girl said...

Just ROTFLMAO funny....

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