Thursday, May 7, 2009

Weekly News: Fail Edition

Holy crap- where to start. 

It's been a great week in "Fail" news. Let's start with - oh, I don't know, - the Executive branch of the government.


SENSITIVITY FAIL







"So here's the plan. We're gonna take a huge jet, followed by 2 fighter jets, and have it fly low around lower Manhattan, specifically the financial district and the Statue of Liberty."
"You mean Ground Zero?"
"Exactly."


REASSURANCE FAIL



In answer to his thoughts on Swine Flu, Joe Biden declares that he would "tell all my family not to use planes, trains or automobiles." Not sure how you get Swine Flu in your own car, but the economy really appreciates your input, Joe.



THREAT ASSESSMENT FAIL







On Tuesday, a bunch of Somali pirates headed toward a large ship intending to overtake it and and realize too late- Oh Snap- it's the French Navy. They were promptly apprehended.


PUBLICITY FAIL











Yesterday, ├╝ber-hottie Megan Fox declared "Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature." Way to alienate half your fan base, Megan. No one's Googling you because of your thespian abilities.


LIBERAL PORTRAYAL FAIL










Joe the Plumber was quoted Wednesday as saying that he believes same-sex marriage should be determined by state, and that he has "several homosexual friends". But he wouldn't, you know, "let them near my children."


AMBASSADOR SELECTION FAIL


Bristol Palin was on The Today Show yesterday, apparently in her new role as Spokesperson Against Teen Pregnancy. Says Palin, "Abstinence is the only 100% foolproof method of not getting pregnant."

In related news, the National Ski Injury Association has declared that "staying in the lodge" is the the number one way to prevent ski injury or fatality.

30 comments:

Candice said...

Thank goodness there is no shortage of morons in the world, or else the news would be pretty boring.

Ali said...

That first one? BIG fail! I understand they needed pictures but haven't they ever heard of photoshop?

Marge said...

Couldn't have said it better myself, had I attempted it may have turned into a FAIL moment for me. Hilarious.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Seriously, the news these days is a joke a minute. Idiots everywhere. I'm gonna send Joe Biden a face mask made of bacon.

WakeGrace said...

the first one was terrifying. i agree with Ali. How has a government never heard of photoshop? If you youtube videos of that day you just see new yorkers panicking. screaming, running, crying. oh yeah goooood job.


also when i heard about the pirates i almost fell out of bed laughing. ( i check the news in bed every morning :D )

Tiffany @ Paging Doctor Mommy said...

You summed it up perfectly! FAIL FAIL FAIL!

Shelley said...

"Oh Snap- it's the French Navy."
HEE!

Half her fan base? I would have said more like 7/8ths.

As for Bristol "Mama" Palin, I think she was also quoting as saying one time that it's really easy not to die while skydiving. By not getting on the plane.

Em said...

Someone needs to lock Joe Biden back in the cellar. What is it with VPs?!

Rebecca said...

*sigh* All I can do is shake my head. Some people are complete morons!

Sarah said...

It always scares me that people are out there like this. And most of them have platforms for speaking. *Shudder*

MrsBingham said...

This is too funny! Love your take on the news..I see the epic fails, but could never make my thoughts about them as funny as you do.

*jimaie.marie* said...

You are amazing, seriously.

omg, ok, the first one? NOT COOL, i mean wtf?! the videos on youtube of those poor people is just sad!! I felt so bad for them.

And the pirates thing pretty much made my day when I heard it on the news. hilarioussss

Aria said...

So good to know that most of these morons are in our elected government... way to go voters!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

I seriously had written this same post in my head today at work.... oh, well, more people will read it here!!! Great minds, Sue, great minds!!! Have a great day!!!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

The other day Mr. Newlywed said, and I quote:

Do you think Joe Biden's press people just spend the whole day issuing statements "explaining" the bullshit he says?

Seriously...so much backtracking.

Michelle said...

Hilarious!

Lulu said...

Don't forget Kate Goesslin explaining that she's dealing with Jon's alleged infidelity 'in private.'

Huh?

Amo said...

And that's precisly why I don't bother with the news...

But the "Oh SNAP" line; I almost lost beer through my nose.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I kind of liked the one about the mother leaving her kids on the curb. I mean, I was appalled...simply appalled.

momy4him said...

how funny!
here's another one for ya:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/8034027.stm
eco-sailors end up being rescued by an oil tanker lol!

Lindy said...

Love the "oh snap" - I wonder how you say that in their language..something like "oyy shit-te"

Tenakim said...

sweet Jesus- I hadn't heard Joe's quote!

amy said...

so funny!

zelzee said...

I just shake my head in disbelief, and sometimes think I am too old for this world...............

the Mayor said...

I can usually find humor in just about any given situation, but the presidential plane flyover was the most idiotic thing ever. Not at all funny and it seems like whoever was responsible for that fiasco should have lost their job.

J.Danger said...

I know- I watched Pailn's interview. BLAH. "Ummmmm" "Ummmmmm" "Ummmmmm" "Awesome" "Blessing" "Ummmmmmm" was all I got out of it.

Jillian said...

How do I miss this stuff? Thank God I have you to keep me up to date. Are heads lodged firmly up patookuses?

Auds at Barking Mad said...

I agree with Candice. Morons...providing news for 100's of years!

Wanted to stop by and say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

WhisperingWriter said...

My husband still loves Megan Fox even though he's 26.

I think she could destroy all his WW2 stuff that he's collected (he's a WW2 buff) and he'd STILL love her. Oh, but if I so much as knock over one of this medals, he flips out on me. Hmph.

Holly K said...

This was hilarious! I love it when people expose the absurd actions of celebrities who put themselves in the limelight. Nicely done!