Sunday, May 17, 2009

Why I'd Make a Sucky Stripper












So Facebook, in its never-ending quest to not leave me alone, suggested tonight that I try the "Stripper Name Generator".

So I did, and was dubbed "Jewel Tightpassion". Which to me sounds more like a Disney Pixie Hollow fairy name. 

If I really was a stripper I would pick like "Foxy Patron" (pa-trone', after the Tequila, but I can't get my keyboard to make the spanish accent mark over the 'o', which is lame - it'll only do THIS 'ø', which is really more Nordic and not stripper-y at all.)

Where was I. Oh yeah. So a kick-ass name is about as far as I get because then I'm all "Hell no I'm not wearing those shoes" because all I ever wear is flip-flops and who wants to see a stripper flap-flap-flappin' down the runway in flip-flops.. 

(is there a runway? Maybe I'm thinking of America's Next Top Model. Maybe it's just a stage and a pole - either way- you know when you're upside down on the pole that those flip-flops are falling off).

And I'd be picking songs that aren't good at all to strip to like "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. 
(O-wee-o-wee-o.)

Plus the buffet would totally sideline me because they'd be all: "Foxy- you're on next" and I'd be all: "I can't. I'm all bloated from eating ziti."

And I'd be fired anyway for saying "maybe later" to lap dance requests, because GOD that's a lot of effort and I never was an "extra credit" kinda girl.

Plus something about my swine flu mask "scaring the customers".

43 comments:

Patrice said...

LOL! ok 1st of all I love your stripper name (the one you picked, not facebook!) & 2nd of all I'm pretty sure there isn't a runway, but maybe they could add one for you!? haha you crack me up!!!

Cathie said...

I love those shoes, but I am too a flip-flop girl!

Mr Lady said...

I took my middle kid shoe shopping with me once, and to keep him occuppied, I told him to go around the store and find me ONE pair of shoes he thought I HAD to have.

30 minutes later he returned with 5" see-through FuckMe heels.

The kid has issues. :)

Candice said...

I'm sure you could tuck those flip flops away for storage in a special area for additional singles.

I'm just sayin'

Frau said...

Wishing flip flops were sexy, cause that's all I wear too. Have to agree with the stripper name not spicy enough.

Jillian said...

Bow chica bow bow.

Seriously, I'm the same way. I don't even wear dress shoes to work and I'm in a field where I MUST look professional. The way I see it, I'm being authentic if I wear my sneakers and that is more appropriate for what I do.

What's with the lull in posting lately? I miss your stuff, woman.

ChocDrop said...

There is something about those stripper shoes that are not sexy. To add that those girls toes hangover the front---turn-off!!!!
Stripper name is cool, the one you made. Patron is one of my fav's to shoot, when someone else is buying because it is expensive. Great taste!

Marinka said...

I can't wear flip flops! Clearly, I'm a stripper. In a burkha.

kmoye said...

LOL! note to sue, don't use "sucky" and "stripper" in the same sentence it gives the wrong impression. : )

Lindy said...

I don't think any stripper name should have the word "tight" in it.

Facebook told me my sports name was Nosepicker so I've given up on FB and their "names." Bastards....

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm about to blow your mind.

Solution: High heeled flip flops.

I know, right!?!

Former Fat Chick said...

ohhhhhhh, can I be the one the brings out the mirror for you to admire youself during the song???!!! Please , please!

Former Fat Chick said...

Oh, Mr Lady...um, I see a stripper daughter in law in your future! haha

HappyHourSue said...

Former Fat Chick: YES! The first commenter who knows the song!!!!!

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

So Funny! just picturing a stripper in flip flops, lmao

Merrie said...

HAHAHA! Yes, it sounds like you're not cut out to be a stripper. I think I'm right there with you.

Be sure to come check out my blog this week -- I finally wrote AND am having a giveaway. Is that crazy or what?!

Jen said...

not that I would know but totally not stripper material.

Shannon said...

Oh no- Morris Day and The Time kick some purple rain ass!

Jenni Jiggety said...

I just LOVE those shoes! Very classy! And they would look PERFECT with the swimsuit I blogged about today!

Natalie said...

pure brilliance...this post.

funny stuff!

Nic said...

What is ziti?

I couldn't be bothered with personal lap dances either. I'd rather just go home and have a bubble bath.

But I don't really wear flip flops - the higher the heel the better. So maybe they could make a stripper out of me yet!

Tasha said...

Stripper classes are the THING here- the new aerobics. Feel the effing burn! Half my friends have poles in their houses and those dang shoes...

I'm trying not to become one of *those* moms. Ha. I'd probably break my ankle.

Dejoni said...

Laughing my ass off about the post...but laughing harder at the thought of you dancing to Morris Day...in flip flops...wearing the mask!!
My friend and I made the guys take us to a strip club to see what the fuss was all about and ended up going into their "purchase" closet...where the girls buy their shoes and lingerie. Got me a pair of glass heels...Lord, the girls earn their money walking in those damn things. I about broke my fool neck.
Maybe if you bedazzled a pair of flip flops????

Christina said...

Not to mention that most places frown on drinking on the job... and you know you gotta have a grown up beverage to wash down ziti!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I hear you, Ms. Foxy Pah-Trone. And you'd make damn sure those clunky lucite chunky shoes landed squarely on the heads of little tippers. Than you'd be arrested for assaulting a pah-trone, escorted away from the ziti buffet. Ick. It's a bad visual.

Liz said...

ROFL!!!!!! You're a nut. I love the upside down on the pole flip flops visual!

Lia "online diploma" Scott said...

I love flip-flops and its my collection.. but haven't heard of such stripper shoes..

Stacy said...

You make me laugh. out loud. on a daily basis.
thank you for making the day more bearable!!

Anonymous said...

I am picturing you with Flip Flops...red toe nails....Oh I just creeped myself out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZZHK73iwTk

Golden Girl said...

one method of getting a stripper/porn name is taking your first pet's name and name of the street you grew up on and combining them. my name would be Goldie Anderson. i think FB's method provides a more creative outcome. i think i will give it a try. take care.
-kiki

Bar-b said...

listen foxy, you crack my shit up, flip flops and all.

Milk Maker said...

you are a funny girl! i'm now drinking the kool-aide!

Dr. Mom said...

That is just too funny...I'll never look at flip flops the same way...

Avalon said...

How timely, I actually just posted about how to chose a stage name that creates rapport with customers.
http://www.stripandgrowrich.com/blog/2009/05/14/what-is-your-stage-name/

Anonymous said...

I could rox your sox Lulu.
Love your stripper name.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Just the way I like my strippers...klutzy and filled with food.

Lisa-licious said...

OMG, I so have those shoes!

Not.

But I do have the pole in the garage if you ever want to "go for a spin"...took 36 weeks of lessons, and lost 32 lbs! Ate it all back, though. Those chicks earn every $20 bill!

Before "Lisa-licious", my made-up stripper name was Lisa Lame'(pronounced La-May, like the shiny fabric)...but it looked like "LAME", so I scrapped it.

BTW, my pole is portable. Should I bring it to BlogHer with my Ipod? I could teach you a rad routine to Joan Jett's Crimson and Clover! But, you have to lose the flip-flops. Feet are NOT where the thongs go, girlie!

cancersucks said...

Old school is take the name of your first pet (fluffy for me) and the name of the road you lived on when you were little (Andover for me) and there you have it...my stripper name is Fluffy Andover. Better now for you?

creative-type dad said...

Not into the flip-flops.
What if they accidentally flew off and landed in the buffet?

Life, Love And Lola said...

Again...LMAO! I'm a flip-flop kinda gal too and actually posted once about stripping in flip-flops...I didn't really do it...Too funny!

Anonymous said...

ó [ ALT + 162 ] make sure you type the numbers on the right ride of the keyboard

Eve @arewethere said...

New reader here..Great post..LOVE the stripper name!

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