Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Twitter Recap

For all of you all NOT following me on Twitter...here's the Cliff Notes from the past 2 months.  So you don't have to join Twitter, and I get a blog post. Everybody wins. :)

11 y.o: "What would you do if I shot this Nerf gun at you?" Me: "Say 'ow'." Her: (shoots) Me: "OW!!!!"
11:25 AM May 21st from twhirl

Um, what? Just got a notice that my Twilight blog is #50 for anime content.
3:07 PM May 21st from twhirl

Sweet. Google Reader just recommended my other blog to me.
3:41 PM May 20th from twhirl

Vacuuming your ants may not be as permanent a solution, but definitely more fun.
3:07 PM May 19th from twhirl

No, I am NOT picturing Joe Jonas handcuffed to the wall as my slave. Jeez. http://twitpic.com/59bpj 
8:48 PM May 15th from twhirl

On laptop at daughter's dance school. Tried to open Twilight fanfiction. DE-NIED. Their internet has morals.
6:27 PM May 14th from twhirl

Going to watch last week's 'Lost'. Have special brain-focusing helmet on.
8:01 PM May 12th from twhirl

8 year old describing black actor on TV: "He was a brother."
11:25 AM May 7th from twhirl

Anybody else crushing on Steve Ward from Tough Love? I just want to strap him in my car and take him on errands.
11:02 AM May 5th from twhirl

2 kids home sick. Freedom fail.
9:13 AM May 4th from twhirl

Attention Alpha parents: If I gave a crap about your kid's homeruns/goals/MVP status I promise you i would have asked.
7:35 PM May 3rd from twhirl

If you just passed someone car-dancing like a mental patient, it was me. "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. Sorry.
10:12 AM May 1st from twhirl

OMG welcome new twitterer @mrsweid who is apparently only following me, Tony Robbins and Zappos shoes.
8:40 AM May 1st from twhirl

8 y.o. just felt so bad for me having to clean up dog puke that she made me a painting.
8:00 PM April 30th from twhirl

Aw, the Craigslist killer wedding is off? It was the panties collection, wasn't it.
4:47 PM April 30th from twhirl

No, Swine Flu, we will not start calling you 'H1N1'. Who do you think you are: Diddy?
8:09 PM April 28th from twhirl

No lie: Twitter just notified me that SexyBigDickLeo is following me. Not sure whether to follow back or call 911.
3:40 PM April 20th from twhirl

Fox News: Woman stabs boyfriend over Pop Tart. Yikes. Hoping toaster pastry crime doesn't make it here to the suburbs.
3:17 PM April 17th from twhirl

My dog is trying to bury his bone in a beanbag chair. Cancel that appointment with the State Police Canine Unit.
9:05 AM April 15th from twhirl

Why does Facebook feel like one giant baseball card collection.
9:04 AM March 30th from twhirl

Why I love Fox news: 'Man sentenced to jail for having sex with car wash vacuum'.
3:41 PM March 26th from twhirl

Anxiety is obviously hereditary. 8 year old is practicing her 'Stop-Drop-and-Roll'.
5:50 PM March 25th from twhirl

I'm pretty sure there's heroin in Tostidos cheese dip.
12:17 PM March 25th from twhirl

On husbands post-colonoscopy instrux: #1 Don't drive #2 Don't operate machinery #3 Don't make any big decisions.
9:43 PM March 20th from twhirl

8 year old told her school friends I said Chris Brown "is a douchebag". Don't know why the playdate offers aren't rolling in.
11:56 AM March 20th from twhirl

Told my hubs i bought him a GQ magazine. Then he sees Robert pattinson on the cover and goes "Thanks f%$kface."
3:38 PM March 19th from twhirl

How the hell tall is David Gregory??? He makes Al Roker look like an ewok.
8:15 AM March 18th from twhirl

The gym is closed on St. Patricks Day, right? (say 'right')
9:11 AM March 17th from twhirl

Gosh my body is craving antioxidants and reservatrol...oh look- red wine.
5:50 PM March 16th from twhirl

Me at daughter's dance class tonite: "Shoot! I forgot i owe them money." 8 year old: "let's make a run for it."
7:43 PM March 12th from twhirl

Bristol Palin and her babydaddy broke up. I did not see that one coming.
6:50 PM March 11th from twhirl

Does it make me officially old that I traded in my Blackberry Storm for my old flip-phone? Get off my lawn.
3:36 PM March 10th from twhirl

Chuck Norris is the real father of octomom's babies. he's all: 'BLAM! Impregnated. Times eight." (#ChuckNorrisBirthday)
2:11 PM March 10th from twhirl

Got to sleep in with sick child home today. Decided 9:30 is my natural wake-up time. Can we all work around that?
11:39 AM March 10th from twhirl

My butt just hung up on you.
11:07 AM March 6th from twhirl

If the gym doesn't start making a bigger deal about me showing up, I'm going to stop going.
1:30 PM March 5th from twhirl

I'm thinking the "Beneful" dudes? With the dogs? need to get on Match.com.
9:15 AM March 5th from twhirl

8 year old: "I thought FedEx was a fart company." 11 year old : "that's Gas-X."
8:38 PM March 3rd from twhirl

Follow me - or you won't know what I'm doing.


Dejoni said...

Love following you on Twitter. Your twits are as funny as your posts. My fav is the twit about your step son and the lighter and Visine...hilarious.

Laura- Love From Holland said...

So. You almost convinced me that Twitter might be cool after all.. But using Twitter just to follow you? That may be a tad sad...

MAY 26, 2009 5:42 AM

Cathie said...

I love your twitter posts! You know you are so torn between that Joe picture and the latest nanosecond picture of Rob on the internet. Why you gotz to like all the popular dudes? LOL

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Yeah, I have not twittered yet...I have a log on. I have a password. I might be the other"Crazy" women who is only following YOU and ZAPPOS...I mean c'mon...a girls gotta have her shoes...and a happy hour right????

Nic said...

Wow, your tweets are really funny! But I should have guessed that really, what with your blog being hilarious!

E said...

Is it strange that even though I follow you on Twitter and have seen all these tweets, I still want to @ reply several of them?

mama_ritza said...

Hmmm, maybe I should give n and make a twitter. That's hilarious!

Amy said...

I follow you on Twitter but I sure did miss that pic of Joe Jonas.. Dayyuumm! Call me a wanna be child molester. Be that as it may. I'm guilty. *sigh*

TentCamper said...

I am Following!!!!!

Aubtiger said...

I just laughed so hard I cried, and I do follow you on Twitter! You (and your 8 year old) are HI-Larious.

3 Peanuts said...

OMG--laughing so so hard.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Great free post! Love it!

OHmommy said...

SO awesome. I need to look at my tweets now. LOL.

Lisa-licious said...

They are all funny, but that last one got me! I follow your blog, I follow your tweets... I can NOT wait until BlogHer! Then I can follow you in Chicago!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Super duper funny. (What is up with me and the phrase super-duper today? How lame!!)

Here's a site that you might find funny.

Texts from last night

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, geez. Now I'm supposed to vacuum my ANTS, too?

Well, I hope they sit still better than these dogs do.



Dugout Daisy said...

Some of these had me laughing out loud!
I'm not on Twitter, but am now thinking I should be just so I can follow you!