Twitter Recap

For all of you all NOT following me on Twitter...here's the Cliff Notes from the past 2 months.  So you don't have to join Twitter, and I get a blog post. Everybody wins. :)

11 y.o: "What would you do if I shot this Nerf gun at you?" Me: "Say 'ow'." Her: (shoots) Me: "OW!!!!"

11:25 AM May 21st from twhirl

Um, what? Just got a notice that my Twilight blog is #50 for anime content.

3:07 PM May 21st from twhirl

Sweet. Google Reader just recommended my other blog to me.

3:41 PM May 20th from twhirl

Vacuuming your ants may not be as permanent a solution, but definitely more fun.

3:07 PM May 19th from twhirl

No, I am NOT picturing Joe Jonas handcuffed to the wall as my slave. Jeez. http://twitpic.com/59bpj 

8:48 PM May 15th from twhirl

On laptop at daughter's dance school. Tried to open Twilight fanfiction. DE-NIED. Their internet has morals.

6:27 PM May 14th from twhirl

Going to watch last week's 'Lost'. Have special brain-focusing helmet on.

8:01 PM May 12th from twhirl

8 year old describing black actor on TV: "He was a brother."

11:25 AM May 7th from twhirl

Anybody else crushing on Steve Ward from Tough Love? I just want to strap him in my car and take him on errands.

11:02 AM May 5th from twhirl

2 kids home sick. Freedom fail.

9:13 AM May 4th from twhirl

Attention Alpha parents: If I gave a crap about your kid's homeruns/goals/MVP status I promise you i would have asked.

7:35 PM May 3rd from twhirl

If you just passed someone car-dancing like a mental patient, it was me. "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. Sorry.

10:12 AM May 1st from twhirl

OMG welcome new twitterer @mrsweid who is apparently only following me, Tony Robbins and Zappos shoes.

8:40 AM May 1st from twhirl

8 y.o. just felt so bad for me having to clean up dog puke that she made me a painting.

8:00 PM April 30th from twhirl

Aw, the Craigslist killer wedding is off? It was the panties collection, wasn't it.

4:47 PM April 30th from twhirl

No, Swine Flu, we will not start calling you 'H1N1'. Who do you think you are: Diddy?

8:09 PM April 28th from twhirl

No lie: Twitter just notified me that SexyBigDickLeo is following me. Not sure whether to follow back or call 911.

3:40 PM April 20th from twhirl

Fox News: Woman stabs boyfriend over Pop Tart. Yikes. Hoping toaster pastry crime doesn't make it here to the suburbs.

3:17 PM April 17th from twhirl

My dog is trying to bury his bone in a beanbag chair. Cancel that appointment with the State Police Canine Unit.

9:05 AM April 15th from twhirl

Why does Facebook feel like one giant baseball card collection.

9:04 AM March 30th from twhirl

Why I love Fox news: 'Man sentenced to jail for having sex with car wash vacuum'.

3:41 PM March 26th from twhirl

Anxiety is obviously hereditary. 8 year old is practicing her 'Stop-Drop-and-Roll'.

5:50 PM March 25th from twhirl

I'm pretty sure there's heroin in Tostidos cheese dip.

12:17 PM March 25th from twhirl

On husbands post-colonoscopy instrux: #1 Don't drive #2 Don't operate machinery #3 Don't make any big decisions.

9:43 PM March 20th from twhirl

8 year old told her school friends I said Chris Brown "is a douchebag". Don't know why the playdate offers aren't rolling in.

11:56 AM March 20th from twhirl

Told my hubs i bought him a GQ magazine. Then he sees Robert pattinson on the cover and goes "Thanks f%$kface."

3:38 PM March 19th from twhirl

How the hell tall is David Gregory??? He makes Al Roker look like an ewok.

8:15 AM March 18th from twhirl

The gym is closed on St. Patricks Day, right? (say 'right')

9:11 AM March 17th from twhirl

Gosh my body is craving antioxidants and reservatrol...oh look- red wine.

5:50 PM March 16th from twhirl

Me at daughter's dance class tonite: "Shoot! I forgot i owe them money." 8 year old: "let's make a run for it."

7:43 PM March 12th from twhirl

Bristol Palin and her babydaddy broke up. I did not see that one coming.

6:50 PM March 11th from twhirl

Does it make me officially old that I traded in my Blackberry Storm for my old flip-phone? Get off my lawn.

3:36 PM March 10th from twhirl

Chuck Norris is the real father of octomom's babies. he's all: 'BLAM! Impregnated. Times eight." (#ChuckNorrisBirthday)

2:11 PM March 10th from twhirl

Got to sleep in with sick child home today. Decided 9:30 is my natural wake-up time. Can we all work around that?

11:39 AM March 10th from twhirl

My butt just hung up on you.

11:07 AM March 6th from twhirl

If the gym doesn't start making a bigger deal about me showing up, I'm going to stop going.

1:30 PM March 5th from twhirl

I'm thinking the "Beneful" dudes? With the dogs? need to get on Match.com.

9:15 AM March 5th from twhirl

8 year old: "I thought FedEx was a fart company." 11 year old : "that's Gas-X."

8:38 PM March 3rd from twhirl

Follow me - or you won't know what I'm doing.