Monday, February 9, 2009

Are You Talking To Me?













Here's how you know this is not a picture of me.

See the little love-bugs playing nicely with their teddy bears in  the background? And see Mommy having a pleasant uninterrupted conversation?

Look at the serene yet engaged look on Mommy's face. Mommy is having a meaningful dialogue with another adult, which makes her happy.

Here is a transcript of MY typical phone conversation:


Caller: So what did the doctor say?

Me: He said NO! NO! PUT THAT DOWN! GIVE IT - GIVE IT - GIVE IT TO ME.

Caller: Uh....

Me: Sorry. He said NO SHARPIES! NO! USE SOMETHING ELSE. THERE'S OTHER MARKERS.

Caller: He...what?

Me: I'm sorry. He wants me to have a cardiogram.

Caller: Wow- do you want me to take you?

Me: NO YOU CANNOT. NO. I'M ON THE PHONE. I-AM-ON-THE-PHONE. Sorry.

Caller: It's Ok..you wanna call me later?

Me: No, no.. NO! DAMMIT, GET AWAY FROM HER - GIVE IT BACK.

Caller: So is he concerned..or....

Me: He thinks it's probably just stress.

Caller: Huh. Do you feel stressed about something?

Me: STOP. DON'T POUR THAT - IT'S TOO FULL- DAMMIT!!!! (sigh) No, I really can't think why I'd be stressed.

Caller: Weird.

Me: I know.

63 comments:

Tara said...

Sounds EXACTLY like my phone conversations!

♥ Kathy said...

LOL sounds so familiar :)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

LOL too funny!! My MOM still does that but now she yells at the dogs

Jess said...

HAHA!
I have to go and hide in the closet to talk on the phone and when I come out it looks like a nuclear bomb went off!
Is that bad of me?? LOL

roy/elisabeth dean said...

hahahha...I remember those conversations! Now it's the dogs and cats that cut up while I'm on the phone!
Have a great day~ thanks for making us laugh!
♥ Lilly

Tenakim said...

this is precisely the reason I started tweeting and stopped talking to my sister on the phone- both ends of the conversation is yelling at our kids and we were getting no where- fast!

Lee of MWOB said...

I don't know if that look on her face could be considered serene and engaged...to me it looks like she truly has just snapped and that is the blank vacant stare that you always see right before someone gets carted away to the looney bin.

That's what I see at least.

:-)

And those phone calls you so lovingly describe? All too familiar which are leading me right down that same path as the above-mentioned "serene" lady.

Former Fat Chick said...

what you "can't see" in this conversations is:

the death stares and mean faces you are making at your kids

the point to the phone and "HELLO I am on the PHONE" face!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Since my daughter is still a toddler I just end up listening to her scream at me because she thinks she needs to be holding the phone and that whoever called would rather be talking to her. Which is probably true but still it's my phone and shouldn't have to share if I don't want to...right?

The Mom Jen said...

Before I had kids I had a friend who had 2 and our phone conversations always ended up like that and I hated talking to her on the phone. Now, I am that girl. SIGH.

But...one day as Trace says, "you're gonna miss this!" LOL

Denise Thomas said...

I here I think it's only at my house....

Ms. Attitude said...

HAHAHA! I have been the caller on some of those conversations.

*jimaie.marie* said...

LMAO!!! oh mannnn, i love it. Wait, you forgot the hand motion threatening to injur if the child does not SHUT UP! whoops...is that just me?? eeep.

Miss Yvonne said...

I have the same problem, only it's usually my husband and his rude butt watching tv with the volume turned way up.

Do you really have to have an angiogram? That sounds scary and not fun.

Lynette said...

Are you SURE you're not just taping my phone conversations and pretending that it was you??

LOL

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO...yep that pretty much describes how my phone convo's go....

Frau said...

LOL I thought I was talking to my sister that is exactly how our phone conversations go. Too funny!

Rebecca said...

HAHA! SOunds like my house!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Now I am worried about you! I am thinking it may be time to look into boarding schools.

Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

LOL! I secretly plan to talk to kidless friends during "the kids are awake" hours if I want to get out of the conversation quickly. I know, I'm a bitch.

Sassy Pants said...

Ha! If my husband isn't home when my son starts throwing a major fit I will call him up and hold the phone up to my screaming three year olds mouth. It gets my point across.

Rachel said...

This sounds familair!

Mandy said...

Were you listening to my last phone conversation?!? Geez, Glad to know it is not just me.

kmoye said...

I keep saying they need to invent a button to make phones invisible while you're on them. That way your kids just think you're talking to yourself...again. Cause my child's behavior is night and day depending if i'm on the phone or not.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Every time my friend calls me we can barely talk. That is exactly what it is like.

I hope it is just stress, kinda scary!

The Daily Blonde said...

I've been talking like this for 24 years. I don't understand why people on the other end hang up........

Aria said...

Yes, you've got mamacalledem. It's serious and potentially fatal, for everyone involved. By the time you recover from mamacalledem, you'll contract momyoucannotusethephoneineeditnow. That too is potentially fatal, again, for ALL involved. Be careful, God Bless and Good Luck ~ I'll start sending flowers now so they'll be there just-in-case of a pending funeral.

Michelle said...

I have those conversations daily. One friend of mine (with no children) said to me the other day 'can't you control your children?' HA!

Amy said...

Get out of my life. I am living that one.... :D

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

It takes my BFF 2 hours & 5 phone calls to have a 5 minute conversation.

Thank God for email!

Bee and Rose said...

I have literally hidden in my room with the door locked while the kids scream and reign chaos throughout the house! lol! (and the irony? I was scheduling my husband's angiogram!!!!

Mr Lady said...

You have to have an angiogram? Do you NEED ME TO WIPE YOUR BUTT?

Yeah.

Elisa said...

hahahaha! That is so me. I swear my blood pressure goes up 20 points when I'm on the phone and all of a sudden the girls are bouncing off the walls, writing on said walls and just being annoying.

McMommy said...

OMG!!! Are Mr. Lady and myself the only ones concerned THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ANGIOGRAM?!?!?!

Is this true???? Or just blog fodder?!

Kati Sue* said...

Sounds like my phone convo too! Haha! Made me laugh though!!

Swirl Girl said...

Your conversations on the phone sound like mine when I'm in the potty!

Tiffany said...

HILARIOUS! And I understood every bit of it... I have had the same type of conversation myself!

kwr221 said...

That is why I prefer email to phone.

Deb said...

I was going to ask about the angiogram too! Are you ok?

I was down in your neck of the woods today...Kennett Square.

Headless Mom said...

Yeah, I wonder why anyone would think we were stressed!

Kristen said...

This scene is all too familar.. I'm am LOL!

Anonymous said...

deja vu!

derfina said...

*snort* That sounds like my phone conversations when the Unit is home! No kids necessary.

Jen said...

all too familiar.

Anna Lefler said...

Har! You said it, sister. Usually I have callers asking what the smacking sound is and why I'm so out of breath.

Multitasking.

BTW, I decided to go to BlogHer! Can't wait to meet you - woo-hoo!

(I've missed you on Twitter - hope all is well...)

XO

Anna

jill jill bo bill said...

When I talk on the phone people always ask if I am in a well. No, people, it's the bathroom. And yes I may be peeing, maybe not.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

See I just thought that was a form of torture from those with small kids. Which I love to respond with:

"I'm going to take a nap."

Lisa-licious said...

I am freaking out...are you really going for an angiogram?! I hope you are OK...maybe you are stressed from having so many fans rely on you for humor. Maybe you should try not to be so funny. Start making jokes about heart conditions. Oh, it's a vicious circle. I am saying prayers just in case.

Allikaye's Mama said...

Oh girl...I am so felling you on this one!! Ha!

thezeninyou said...

Oh yes...I have been there...thank God for school! Now I have 6 hours to be a rational adult :)

Linda S said...

That's not a real angiogram is it? Tell me it's just a "gonna make the story sound way better than a
colonoscopy" thing. Although that would be sad too...

Ali said...

Hmmm...I'm wondering why the only person that talks to me on the phone is my sister...

Momma Bear said...

My phone conversations are the same! My in person adult conversations usually go this way too!

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Sounds familiar.

And my teenagers wonder why I am am no longer able to complete a sentence.

Anna Banana's Mommy said...

Oh my gosh! This was hilarious...mainly because I think you were listening to my phone conversation(s) as this is so true!

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

Well I hope that it is just stress and nothing else. As for the phone conversation, I swore I would not be one of those kind of moms who is always yelling at her kid. It used to drive me nuts when I just wanted to have a conversation with my girlfriend and she couldn't stop talking to her kids! Here I am now, on the phone, son in the background and yelling like a mad woman! I don't ever bother using the phone between the hours of 6:30am and 8:00 pm.

Mariah said...

You have phone conversations at home? I have to sneak around the corner to get in a conversation

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Sounds a lot like my phone conversations, minus the beep, beep, beep of my daughter trying to grab the phone while saying "I want to talk to daddy!!" no matter who I am talking to.

Yeah, I try not to talk on the phone that often.

bejewell said...

My phone conversations are much the same, but they usually involve crayons being eaten and there are usually some ear-piercing shrieks and dinosaur noises in the background. And then the Bean grabs the phone and hangs it up before I can say goodb--

michelle said...

I now give my children a piece of taffy, peanut butter, or a very large wad of gum before i make any important phone calls. Anything to keep their mouth busy. On warmer days, I have sent them out to play.. and locked the door behind them, er, um, in my mind, yeah, that's it, I didn't realllllllllly.....

Manic Mom said...

I'm still laughing, I can't stop. Isn't it funny that kids can be normal bad, but as soon as you get on the phone all hell breaks loose. That's called Phone Bad!

Dinner/Dishes/Drinking said...

I always say "talking on the phone to someone with small children is like talking to someone with Tourette's"
I have 2 kids, and I can relate!

Cookie said...

ROFL! That reminds me of a converstaion I had with my hubby not too long. The doctor thinks stress might be causing my migraines, but since I'm not working hub thinks I have nothing to be stressed about... go figure!