Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Diet Tips from Jesus












Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?

Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.

Jesus: Really.

Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.

Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?

Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!

Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.

Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.

Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.

Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.

Jesus: No.

Me: Bread into broccoli.

Jesus: No.

Me: Spaghetti into spinach.

Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.

Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....

Jesus: V8.

Me: crap.

52 comments:

Lisa-licious said...

I am laughing so hard, I can't think of anything to ...I just like to be the first to comment!

*Nic* said...

Jesus is very wise. Especially when it comes to diet tips.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Well, isn't wine supposed to be good for your heart? Maybe Jesus hasn't read the latest in research about wine.

Christina said...

Consider it communion... drink the wine

derfina said...

Leave it to Jesus!

Miss Yvonne said...

Man, that Jesus is such a downer. Besides, drinking wine is just like eating grapes so really cutting it out of your diet is like cutting out fresh fruits. Take that, Jesus.

♥ Kathy said...

hahahahaha that was perfect!

Marinka said...

Did you hear that the Church was offering Diet Host? It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus".

Jen said...

Always love your imaginary talks with Jesus. I think Jesus was over hear and did the old switcheroo with my coke zero. And I'm not very happy about it.

DeAun said...

too funny (you too, Marinka) It really probably would help me, but then I would be so grouchy I could care less if I was skinny.

jill jill bo bill said...

That Jesus...

wondy said...

He probably turned my rum into radishes by now then. :-( And the beer into beats. Blah.

Tenakim said...

Man, Jesus is a stubborn dude- no negotiations?

Bee and Rose said...

Maybe he meant whine....not wine...

Frau said...

So funny...I hear that little voice all the time...drink more water but its my annoying fit husband!

Ginette said...

Oh, too funny!

Mandy said...

LOL!

Dorsey said...

Fantastic!!! Now if only he could turn my water into Nyquil, at least for the next couple of days...its cherry flavored so that should count for at least ONE serving of fruit. Right?

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Awesome. Well, not awesome about the wine into water thing. That sucks.

But I have also dramatically decreased my intake of wine to help me lose weight. On the positive side, I am losing weight, but the fucking shakes are gonna do me in.

Brittany said...

But, but...wine is good for your heart, so it's basically ALREADY health food.

Aria said...

I'd say wine into water was sacrilege, but if it came from Jesus, you're just screwed.

Melia said...

HA! I am laughing so hard right now!! You are so funny. Thanks for the laugh!

Aleta said...

OMG - thanks for the laughter! That was priceless. Loved it!

Haasiegirl said...

Yes, I daresa Jesus is right. Btw, has Jesus seen the Slanket? Its like the Snuggie, with less press.

trisha
momdot.

Erin said...

Lmao! Too funny! Great post!

Ms. Attitude said...

I guess we know what you are giving up for lent. Too funny!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Jesus is my Personal Trainer.

Ali said...

Great tip from Jesus! Man, he needs to write a book or something! Oh...right.

Betsey Booms said...

So much easier if he'd just turn my beer into diet pills or better? Lipo.

Anonymous said...

Not to get all seriuos on you but Jesus may have a point.

Even moderate drinking affects women's cancer risk.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/besttreatments/2009/feb/24/even-moderate-drinking-affects-womens-cancer-risk.

"Shoulda had a V8"

ciara said...

alcohol not only 'bloats' you, but it converts straight into fat. why do you think so many men have beer bellies? lol

Jen said...

now that is just not fair at all!!!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

Are you giving wine up for Lent??? Is that what you're telling us? I actually have a friend who is doing that.... SERIOUSLY! I'll be praying for him!

Nydia Mata said...

LMAO!!!! This is genuis ... thanks!

NJDecorator said...

That is too funny. and something I need.

tamilyn said...

Just watch, Jesus will be the next spokesperson for Jenny Craig.

Reese said...

HA, HA thats funny!

BacktoBarnwell said...

So is this what you're giving up for 40 days?

BacktoBarnwell said...

Whoaaaa, anonymous. Way to go all Debbie Downer on us.

Don't be a serious sally.

Cathie said...

LOL.....Just like a man to take away our sanity savers!

foxy gal said...

DUDE - stupid resolutions and the pressures they put on you!! And whatever with Jesus being all super know-it-all!? That's not a very likable trait - someone should tell him that.

Anonymous said...

Hey B2B

You are right, sorry, my bad.

Here I was being all Willy Nilly with my coments and should have been a Silly Billy.

Sorry Folks

Linda S said...

Crap, I thought wine was one of my 2 fruits for the day...

I Am Boymom said...

How come you get special favors from Jesus? I've been asking for diet help for years and He helps You when you didn't even ask?? Whatever...guess He figured your post about would get more hits than mine. Serves you right for being so funny.

The Hokey Pokey Runner said...

I am new to the world of blogging and I happened to stumble across your blog. This is absolutely hysterical. I am officially addicted to your blog.

Elisa said...

Dude. Jesus' priorities are totally off. The ones you proposed where much more reasonable choices.

Val said...

Think he can come over and turn all my veggies into chocolate?
Just asking.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Niiiice.

Singergrl13 said...

You always make me smile. Thank you:)

Tasha said...

I hate that fucking Jesus guy. He walks around and thinks he knows EVERYTHING. Um, hello, we're still alive!

He should give Oprah some tips, since she's the new Jesus. She could stand to lose a few thanks to him. Then Jesus could be on Oprah!

Bar-b said...

I knew it. A true buzzkill He is.

Anonymous said...

Why drink alcoholic wine when you can get the same benefit from red grape juice - the benefit being in the skin of the grape - without having to drink alcohol?