Saturday, February 14, 2009

Please Don't Bedazzle Your Hoo-Ha

First, I want to thank the 340 awesome readers who took the Pop Quiz!!!!!!! Most of you rocked it- I'm so proud.

A few of you were obviously smokin' a doob behind the school before you came to class, but that's cool.

I'd like to give a special shout-out to the lurkers - I know that was a tough moment when the quiz asked for your name. So thank you to M, c, k, t, T, jq, b, D&P, a, f, k, a, A, k, l, s, HG, c, n, x, k, D, n, me, moi, don't know, lurker, and hmmmm.

Also? The number of you that thought my dream job was "zookeeper" was HI-larious.


Now, on to the bedazzling.

It has come to my attention that there is a growing trend towards blinging the girly-wallet.

What the French.

For Valentines Day, I learned, you can have a full Brazilian wax, then it's spray-painted gold and adorned with Swarovski crystals.












Girls, please. This is the female equivalent of the guy who hires the sky-writing plane for Valentines Day. You're just making the rest of us look bad.  (Literally.)

The last thing we moms need is our husbands asking for a tricked-out va-jay-jay.  My husband's lucky if I change my razor cartridges.

You'll understand, sassy single girls, when you're a mom - ain't no way it's making the To-Do list.

cupcakes for class party
L. orthodontist
drycleaning
bank deposit
soccer parents meeting
embellish genitals with crystals
grocery store



89 comments:

Anonymous said...

LMFO! No way No how!

Twisted Lisa said...

Ummm, OKAAAAY, so I can hear this in the OB/GYN office...

"So I embellished this Valentines Day, and I guess they used cheap glue from China...and...uhhh...
there are like, FIVE MISSING....
Do I need an XRAY?"

Aprille - The Muddled said...

wow I have never heard of such a thing. I cant even imagine going in for a Brazilian let alone spray painting and adding bling to my junk. Jazzy Junk - go figure.

Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

*snickers* Am I the only one who thinks this seems desperate? What happened to whipped cream and chocolate syrup??

Threeboys1mommy said...

No one wants to see a blinged out dangly who ha, nobody does.

Miss Yvonne said...

Wow, and I thought thongs were uncomfortable.

Cassie said...

Have things REALLY changed that much since we were young? I can't imagine having to "dress up the girl" to be alluring to someone. Puh-leez! Spend that dough on a new pair of shoes ladies!

Mr Lady said...

You know why I knew what your dream job was? Because we're from the same place. That was pretty obvious to me, actually. :)

Anywho, rest assured, I don't even shave my hoo haa. No jewels here, sister. More like a weed whacker.

Candice said...

Bedazzle my good girl and then risk my husband choking on a swarovski crystal? I SO don't think so.

Swirl Girl said...

'tricked out vajay-jay' LOLOLOLOLOLOL

letterstorob said...

if you have enough time to bedazzle your vagine you need a real life. even as a single gal. but as a crafty person i have a sick curiosity to know what kind of adhesive they're using and if they can make different design patterns.

hearts? paisleys? someones name?

-themoonisdown

Wendi said...

The way I look at it...you owe me a computer monitor.
Mine is covered in the Diet Mt. Dew that just shot out of my nose from reading this.
Hilarious!
You really should have warned me.
I am curious.
Is dressing your stuff all up really necessary?
I am looking for creative ways to turn him off...seriously.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Jess said...

ROFL!!
I don't even have anything smart to say!!
haha!!

The Keller Krew said...

Can you imagine the look on HIS face when you rip off your robe and sees your Hoo-Ha that has be painted, bedazzled and now comes with a choking hazard warning sign?

Deb said...

That wouldn't have been on my to do list ever. There is such a thing as too much lady maintainence. Then again, there is such a thing as too little...umm not that I would know about that.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I'm reading this post and my 12 year old son sneaks up and starts reading over my shoulder....

son - "mom, what the heck?"
me - speechless

(Thanks, Sue!!)

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Seriously...do people really do this? No way. Your joking right!?!

♥ Kathy said...

LMAO omg seriously crazy :-p btw I think my coffee came out of my nose when I read Miss Yvonne's comment :-D

Headless Mom said...

See? The brazillian is 14 kinds of wrong all on it's own. Bedazziling is so out there I can't even think about it.

Peggy said...

That's just gross...sound like something one of the Real Housewives of the OC would do!

Jen said...

seriously!?!

Mrs. S. said...

Haha...I am with Twisted Lisa on this. Yeah, going to the dr. with this going on down south? Really? I am sure that would leave them with something to talk about. I would have to call in reinforcement to see it, too. Maybe a cell phone camera? No, too much? Holy cow though...wouldn't those get caught in your....zipper? AWKWARD!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Sheesh ... I'm still figuring out my electric razor ... FUGHETABOUT the tricked out Va-Jay-Jay ... nuh oh bay bay!!!

Lynette said...

Personally, the fact that he even gets to see it should be present enough. Spray painting and bedazzling? It's my va-jay-jay not a tricked out car. Next he'll be asking if I'm willing to fit my heels with hydrolics

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

And the funny thing... I got my daughter a BeDazzler FOR Valentine's Day!!!

Krystyn said...

You must have made that up, right? Seriously? That is just for a sport illustrated cover, right?

I can only imagine how good it would feel if one got caught in my zipper or undies and pulled the skin with it!

Mariah said...

I have to admit that I have dyed the pubs before... I was doing my hair one time and I thought, what the hell. Why not? Umm it stung. I do brazillion was though and my waxing girl is freaking rithless. It hurts

Leslie said...

Is it just me or does this sound like a major choking hazard????

no??? just me???

Lisa-licious said...

Twinkle, twinkle, little kitty
All bedazzled...aren't you pretty?

Nothing else to do with your cash?
Glue on rhinestones, get a rash!

Too much work for all those "tools"
But gives new meaning to "family jewels!"

Another fab post from my blogger idol!

Dugout Daisy said...

um yeah... hot pockets definitely don't need jewels on them. what are people thinking???

The Microblogologist said...

The blood loss from all the scrapes the crystals would cause might result in one or both partners going to the ER!

Heather in SC said...

OMG....make the laughing stop, make it stop...my stomach hurts...freakin' hilarious

Gettysburg Mom said...

While the infomercial did say you could bedazzle anything, I don't think they quite meant this.

Garcia Family said...

HA HA I was HG sorry, didn't mean to come off lurker-ish.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I'd only do that for a REALLY special occasion, like childbirth or a colonoscopy.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I had an awesome witty comment in my head for your post, then I saw the picture of Edward in your sidebar and it scared the crap out of me. Now i got nothing.

Also? I don't have crystals on my hoo-ha.

Bee and Rose said...

I don't wear much bling on a good day so why in the heck would I pimp out my "hoo-ha"?! There's a reality show here somewhere...eewww...

I cannot stop laughing over this!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

WTH? I'm a full-slacker in the kinky sex department! Hell, we have 3 kids!

Thanks for the laughs! I needed it after the weekend I had.

Brittany said...

I think this may just be the way to go when it comes to looking hot for my upcoming delivery video. I mean, as long as the lighting in the delivery room is good, so there won't be a glare off the crystals.

Amy(Girl in Paradise) said...

OMG! Can you imagine the chafing?!

Cathie said...

I think my parts are dazzling enough to not be bedazzled......thanks for the laugh.

Shannon said...

Ditto to the razorblade comment...I'm alittle tardy, but I just took the quiz. That crap was funny! And all I got was a measly c!

Amo said...

No bedazzles here...just a clown hat, thankyouverymuch.

After two kids, I would rather NOT draw any more attention to that area.

McMommy said...

WHAT?!?!?
You mean you DON'T bedazzle your vajayjay?!?!?

Oh, poor, poor HappyHourHubs.

The least you could do is spray-paint it to look like Homer Simpson. You know, since he loves his slippers so much.

tardevil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tardevil said...

Surely no one in NC is tricking out their Lucies!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Am I the only one totally grossed out by this concept?

Kami said...

Oh my word, what will they think of next?

and "tricked-out va-jay-jay"? Classic! Love it!

3 Peanuts said...

Seriously? I have never heard of this?????

LaskiGal said...

Er . . . uh, do the men in our lives really need the added distraction?

Now I understand why they sell the BeDazzler at the sex toy shop.

Ew.

These are the best comments on a post ever!

jill jill bo bill said...

I want you to know tha one should never use hot glue to apply. Never.

agentzoey said...

It seems like anything I do to "beautify" myself itches: waxing, lotion, makeup - like bad...so I'd be standing at Sbux or something, trying to inconspicuously scratch my crotch by rubbing my legs together when "ping, ping" rhinestones would be falling out of my pants...try explaining that one to the person standing in line next to you!

Michelle said...

Hilarious! I have never heard of this before. I must be out of the loop.

Anonymous said...

www.bettybeauty.com/

If you really need to change it up!

Not sure the Razor comment was talking about the legs.

This is not meant to be nasty but, You are way better looking than that photo shop picture....way better...find a new one.

kisses and cupcakes said...

well....
diamonds ARE a girl's best friend!
bedazzle mine away!
shiny might be fun : )
kisses and cupcakes,
amy
*

BacktoBarnwell said...

Just another way to lure us into the "cougar den."

Shannon said...

ROFL! I just found your blog through MomDot. Love it. I agree with: My husband's lucky if I change my razor cartridges. Yeah, that! Great post.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Don't knock it 'til you tried it. Maybe a little blingage down in the nether-regions is just what my marriage needs!

(And then again, maybe HE should deal with the blingitude.)

(On second thought to my second thought? OUCH.)

Former Fat Chick said...

Oh NO, Darlin...in the winter I turn into CHEWBACCA, there will be no bedazzling around my CUCA!

Staci said...

Just how I'd want to spend Valentine's Day too: picking scratchy little gems out of my who-ha. Could anything be more romantic?

Anna Lefler said...

Okay, first of all, I'm so stealing "girly-wallet." Wit' a quickness.

Second, I'm wincing just thinking about where those dang crystals could roam and get lodged while, say, taking a nice, long bike trip? That ain't right.

This reminds me of the trend here in LA not long ago of custom bikini waxes. One of them involved a very delicate, artistic shaping with a razor then dying the hair robin's-egg blue. The result was called (you guessed it) the Tiffany Box.

I know: WRONG.

XO

Anna

Debra said...

Um.....hell to the no! Who in their right mind would even think of doing that to begin with? Next thing you know, redneck women will bed doing her own Brazilian wax with duct tape, then using Elmers glue and applying glitter. Disturbing.... LOL!

Leah said...

LMAO! This totally reminds me of one of those funnies in YM magazine from when I was in high school. A girl "supposedly" (we all know how true those stories are, did a quick wipe with a wash cloth before going to the OB office. Little did she know it was a glitter wash cloth and she left her hoo ha all sparkly for her doc.

Jen said...

My husband must never know about this. EVER!! I'm sure he'd be all about the bling and it just isn't going to happen.

Laura said...

First time visitor and seriously you had be a doob...been awhile since I've heard that!! And Bedazzled vajayjay, flippin hilarious....I think I peed my pants! Thanks for the good laugh!

Liz said...

Hilarious! My hubby is trying to watch t.v. and I can't stop laughing at this!!!

Haasiegirl said...

seriously, this makes me almost pee my pants. But then I would get the jewels wet.

trisha
momdot

alanna rose said...

So funny!
And your to do list? Perfect!

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

OH my gosh, this is my first time here and I am lmao! Thanks for linking in McMommy's pow wow! I have been bedazzled. By your writing - not my *ahem*.

Joan Novark said...

So what happens when you, um, do the nasty like that? Does your partner's sausage get all gold 'n' sparkly-like?

This sounds like serious material for a class-action lawsuit. Count ME in!!!

tamilyn said...

Considering I just found out that the skin down there is called 'piss flaps'-long story including a trip to the strip club with a bunch of co-workers. We saw many pierced, but none that were bedazzled. I thought the guy usually had the family jewels.....equal opportunity rocks I guess.

Just say Hell No

Patrice said...

LOL I would like to know how much one pays to "bedazzle your hoo-ha" like that... I imagine it's even more ridiculous than actually doing it!

Amanda said...

I barely have time to trim and groom let alone add paint and crystals. I'm crafty, but that takes the cake.

Laura said...

Is it wrong that I think "Edward, Twilight, vampires" every time I read 'dazzle' anywhere?

Vanessa Rogers said...

I think I would be afraid one would fall off and get into a warm cozy place it shouldn't be in.

Miss Em said...

I'm a 'sassy single gal' with a slight penchant for things Brazilian, but I'm still horrified. Like trying really hard to get the grossed-out look off my face before my boss walks by and realizes I'm talking about my naughty parts online instead of working. Anyway, I think that if a guy is only interested in my hoo-ha if it's gold and sparkly, then he has bigger issues...if you know what I mean.

Coco said...

HIL.ARI.OUS.....found you through Queen of Shake-Shake's Twitter...


Coco

Auds at Barking Mad said...

I'm just gobsmacked that someone thought this was a good idea. WTH? And when the crystals get "lost"...and we ALL know what I mean by LOST, don't come crying to me when the staff at the ER are laughing at you.

Lee of MWOB said...

Are you KIDDING me? After pushing out three kids, I'm not sure my va-jay-jay is even worthy of being bedazzled.

On second thought, after pushing out three kids, it sure as hell IS WORTHY!!

:-)

natalie said...

HAHAHA! Oh my begeezus!

SO glad I stumbled on your blog today..needed the laugh :)

Hailey said...

Came from McMommy!
That was too funny. Just added you to google reader. Can't wait to read more.

Cookie said...

Ewwww!

Ashley said...

Ok - I just come over from McMommy and your post absolutely CRACKED ME UP!!!! First of all, I would NEVER bedazzle my hoo-ha, but I think the more disturbing thing is that someone actually thought that up...seriously!

Well, I hope all the bedazzlers out there have fun playing games!

Thanks again for the wonderful post - it certainly put a smile on my face!!!

Life at the White House said...

oh, how i love this. you are just perfect.

very funny.

Michele Horne said...

Seriously? My husband is lucky if I have time to keep it landscaped these days!

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Just found your blog-- seriously, that is freaking hilarious.

ABP said...

Don't let the Feds know about this!! A bedazzled honeypot might require safety regulations and OSHA guidelines, fer cripes sake!

WhisperingWriter said...

No way!

I'm lucky if I even pay attention down there to be honest. When I'm done with my legs I don't feel like bothering with anything else.

gaohui said...

If ordering from an online ed hardy Clothing store, she should either have tried ed hardy sale the garment on in a store somewhere ed hardy or she had better be buying ed hardy UK from a vendor with a great return ed hardy cheap policy. Buying from an ed hardy Clothes online vendor has its risks and ed hardy store they should be understood. The edhardy.com upside is that online stores christian audigier sale tend to have a large selection ed hardy dresses of clothing to choose from. The ed hardy Polos bad news is they can be more ed hardy sandals expensive, or the cost of shipping and handling ed hardy Jackets can offset any cost savings she might have enjoyed.