Sunday, June 22, 2008

Marriage Math



To my husband: Nothing to see here, Honey, just us girls talking about, you know, cramps and stuff. Move along.....Look! the U.S. Open is on!

OK. This is for all the newlywed girls out there. Remember how your fiancé was all involved and excited about helping you pick out stuff to register for? That's because he was spending other people's money. Now that you're married you need to master the 3 Marriage Math Moves.

Move #1: "The Round-Down".
So, let's say you buy a rug for $179. Your husband asks how much it cost. You answer:
A) $179
B) $170
C) "about $140"

The answer is C, "about $140". He's going to get the credit card bill eventually, no need to aggravate him twice. It's all about softening the blow. Because you care.

Move #2: "The Save"
You buy a patio set for $275. Your husband asks how much it costs. You answer:
A) $275
B) $270
C) "the same set in the Pottery Barn catalog was $700 and this was only $275".

The answer is C. Shift the focus from spending money to saving money. You have just saved him $425. You are thrifty and thoughtful and you rock.

Move #3: "The Bagless Shop".
You go shopping and come home with several shopping bags of awesome stuff. You 
A) Bring all the bags right in and dump them in the kitchen
B) Shout "Hey Honey! look what I got!"
C) Wait to move your purchases in until he's not around. Then dispose of the bags.

Answer: C. The "woman holding several shopping bags" visual is genetically programmed to send the male's alarm bells off. No evidence = everybody's happy.

So good luck girls, happy shopping and remember the answer to "Is that new?" is always: "This? Nah".

49 comments:

Diesel said...

Is it wrong that I use these on my wife when I get back from Home Depot?

The Mom said...

Do it. Done it. Oh yeah, every time!

LOL...

Walking With Scissors said...

Are you married to my husband? I've got all 3 rules down PAT. I learned quickly. The Husband is an accountant. Ouch.

Alice said...

I use the 'round down' when I get back from Vegas or Atlantic City and Babycakes asks me how much I lost. I've never given him an accurate amount to date.

Lane Boyz Mom said...

Yup, pure genius!!!

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

OMG..This is so true. Back when I was married my friends used to make fun of me because I would have several bags in the trunk of my car or hidden behind the couch. Now I still wait to bring things in but things aren't hiding as long.

Holy Crappers said...

I sooooo got all the answers correct !!!

ali said...

Move #4: When you buy a gift for yourself just out of the blue, no special occasion and hubby asks how much it cost, you say "Not as much as the motorcycle that you just bought!"

Kelly said...

I totally aced that little quiz...Its better if the males are totally clueless..then everyone is happy. Sometimes on the shopping spree throw in some random tool or a six pack and he'll never ask questions and he'll be so grateful that you thought of him..hee hee

TONYA said...

oh yeh, it must be done. I'm a pro at hiding expenses.

* Always buy him just a little something to appease him - favorite beer, a book, snack.

* Use cash whenever possible. I never have explanations as to where my cash disappears to - you know tips, parking meters, tolls and what not - okay really it was a really cute shirt on sale, craft supplies that I simply couldn't live without.

jaime said...

awesome.

Also do what i do:
You buy and wear a cute new shirt, skirt, dress...whatever...he says, "nice shirt, when did you get that?"
YOU: "are you serious? I've had this for years and you never noticed it on me? thanks a lot! glad you notice when i dress up for you."
never needs to know you even spent a dime.

jaime said...

and can i just say, is it me or is the WORD VERIFICATION thingy getting more and more complicated lately? lol! gdwjcggk

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

You are TOO Funny...thanks for stopping by my blog...

As for this post...I pay the bills, so I get to do the shopping..LOL...and he is clueless...

Dette said...

LOL - I'm especially good with the last one.

Except when I forget to bring them in and Hubz finds them as he's cleaning out the car. Doh!

lol - roll on by when you get a chance, girl - got something for ya at the Crib. ;)

scargosun said...

100% dead on

I have Lottery Yarn bags in my closet and my car.

McMommy said...

Nice job with the math!! I think you should become a guest columnist for The Knot or weddingchannel.com!

We are on year six of our marriage...I had these rules down pat since month 2.

Rochelle said...

Heee hee. I actually learned all these tricks and more when I was 23 and living with my parents. "What? Pay rent?? I only make $8 an hour!" But I was stylin' on that $8 an hour!

And I agree with Tonya...cash leaves NO paper trail! Destroy bags and tags immediately!

Val said...

So true....never let on how much you spend on anything....even groceries.
Unless you saved big, then just tell him about the savings part, but NEVER how much you spent in total!

And when asked if something your wearing is new? Always play up the you never notice anything...I've HAD this...even if it is new. That way, it's win win....now you have an advantage next time you want hubby to do something around the house!

Keeper Of All Things said...

Really Really good advice!!!!

Tenakim said...

Amen sista!

B, Esq. said...

Am I the only one who thinks that if you're serious, that advice is a recipe for disaster?

While it is amusing, I'll assume that you have so much extra dough that your husband wouldn't notice the charges? Or, you really handle the finances?

I usually love your blog, but as an attorney who handles matrimonial matters as part of her practice, in reality, this practice has been the beginning of the end for too many. Just ask Ed McMahon...

Ann said...

#3 is totally my move

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I figure the less he knows, the better! And he's happier that way too!

Gettysburg Mom said...

I'm generally vague about costs. Fortunately for me, my hubby sometimes spends too much out with the boys...$180 bar tab once =ed a new wardrobe in Lake Placid.

Sue said...

B Esq: While I appreciate the legal advice, this is a humor blog. My dolls don't actually talk, either. :)

Not Just Any Jen said...

Thanks for the refresher. You are so right an all of these!

Wendy said...

diesel stole my line! we have this issue in my house but it's my HUSBAND and the bags are HOME DEPOT (and no, I'm not mrs. diesel!).

Shannon said...

SO true, lol! The sad part is it works!!!!

duchess said...

So true. After 16 years of marriage I have mastered all of these techniques.

Great idea to educate the young ones.

The Walsh's said...

Oh wow this was great!! I've used them ALL. My favorite though is buying a large handbag to be able to fit shopping bags into so that you can come into the house, leave the car empty (in case he checks, because he will)...

This post was brilliant.

The Offended Blogger said...

You are one brilliant woman, and a great mentor for all of those out there who have yet to master these skills.

Lucky for me, my hubby is happy to never have to look at a bank statement or checkbook register. :)

gaining some lb's said...

So I got all the answers correct!!!


I normally hide all purchases and then when he notices something new, I say...oh...i have had this for ages!!!

peace
#2

Jenn said...

Aced it!

I always use the before tax figure when hubby asks how much something cost. Since it's 14%, it makes a big difference!

Ramblin' Red said...

Ughh...Hubs does the round-down ALL THE TIME (and since I do the books, it drives me wonky). But uh, the rest, particularly the "is that new?" totally.

THE Stephanie said...

Exactly! Anyone behind on these littel tricks really needs to catch up. Thanks, though for the reminder!

Lynette said...

What did I win? I got them all right too! Except I fool him with a little trickery and buy him a little something too. That always throws him off.

Mamasphere said...

I'm a hider too. No need to worry the husband. I do have a mini heart attack if I hear him pull into the driveway before I'm done disposing of the evidend, lol. But I do the finances, so he really has no idea. It's just so much better that way.

Ashley said...

I just found your blog and I'll be back. I mastered the marriage math even before I was married. So true and so effing funny!

-Bridget said...

Bravo! That was an excellent training session. Exactly as I would have done.

McMommy said...

Hi Sue,
I need some legal advice. Can you email me??

(HA! Ok, I jest B. Esq.)

But I really have a question to ask you...so please email me!

Formercitygirl said...

Not to make any of you guys jealous or anything, but my husband actually likes it whenI go shopping. I actually bring in all the bags and make him look at all my purchases.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

LOL funny; beginning to see how you got that award...

Kaza said...

Seriously! Have we not all done all three of these? You've just done the newlywed wives a HUGE service here.

*jimaie.marie* said...

LOL!!
oh how true this is...

Perez Family Spot said...

OKAY...where did you hide the tape recorder because I swear that is EXACTLYwhat I say and DO!! You are hilarious! I love it!

Lindsay said...

Oh man, I so do Move #3 all the time. If he's home, those bags are staying in the trunk until I'm SURE he won't be here for awhile.

Awesome post!

Jen said...

Love this post! Luckily my husband doesn't really care too much about me spending money. That makes me sounds like a rich b&$ch and I am not at all. He just doesn't mind because that means he gets to spend money on one of his "toys".

KSK said...

Amen on that pathological hide the bag thing - do it EVERY time! Actually adds to the shopping thrill now...

Stacy said...

I totally aced this test!
Ive done all of the above plus a few of my own. Most of the time I will leave it in the car until he is gone...BUT..I have been known to stuff things inside of purses, gym bags, bookbags etc..
That's pretty bad, huh?