Friday, July 23, 2010

Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often"..in fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".

Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.

I feel like a grounded teenager.

Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.

Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."


My neighborhood:













You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.

So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:


















The f*ck.

Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."

Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"

Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."

Me: "So wild hamsters?"

Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)



I'm just askin:

26 comments:

Kat said...

Hilarious! I don't pay you but thanks for posting!

Merrie said...

HAH! Wild goldfish? They'd be all up in our fish Strawberry's business.

Another Day of Crazy said...

You know, I heard Wild Turkey will kick your bum but domesticated turkey will just make you nap.

AmyLK said...

I think you should totally get paid for this funny post! :)

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

DO NOT BE FOOLED. those chickens look fucking ruthless.

tee said...

This is twice as funny to me because just last night I had a dream about a wild turkey. And then I had to explain to the boyfriend about how a wild turkey does not, in fact, appear rabid or super-sized but looks exactly like a regular turkey. Just in the wild.

Boys have wild imaginations.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

I don't appreciate you using my hamster's likeness in your blog without my permission.

You caught Mr.Mochafrappachino on a really bad day. He was on his period and just found out LOST was over-over. (I moved the wheel away from the television after he started watching Oprah...) He really hates surprises. And Twilight. (i knowwww)

Anyway. I'll let it slide this time. Because we're blog-friendsish and all, but if you want to get a photo of my sweet ninja cat, you're gonna have to pay the piper.

ps- Ragu can suckit.

Bee said...

I get sad when you don't post! I love your freaky sense of humor.

also, tell your ad people to BITE YOU.

mrskts216 said...

Honestly, don't know who you are...never read you before...found you through pocklock. Sitting at work charting on my obnoxious patient who finally just fell asleep...Just laughed so hard I literally LOL..don't know if I should say "thanks for the laugh" or "Thanks for making me wake up my patient"...grrrrr!

Paige said...

The chickens do not concern me, being a county bitch and all--but let me warn you--when the fucking guinea hens and peacocks come calling, you better arm yourself. Those bastards can be a problem

Pink Velvet Mommy said...

You may not post often enough, but when you do I almost always end up snorting a drink through my nose~ Thanks!!! Stay off the mean streets of "niceville" LOL

By the way I hate Ragu and wouldn't buy it even if they do pay you:)

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Wild hamsters are scary, man. It's midnight in Switzerland and I'm about to go to bed, and now I'm going to have nightmares about wild hamsters and shooting chickens. You are one mean lady when they take you away from the pool!

Bad Christy said...

Oh Thank the 8 lb. 2 oz baby jeebus... she's back!!! I was getting worried.

Dawn in Austin said...

That was so funny, I'll send you a jar of Ragu. Oh wait...they don't pay you in Ragu? Oh. Well, that's all I have right now.

3 Peanuts said...

So glad you're back.. I miss your humor.

lastamericanchildhood said...

Hysterical. Love the honesty of this post -- so refreshing to read. I am constantly told I'm "putting myself out there" -- love to read others willing to do the same. Thanks.

Whimsy said...

OMG I laugh most of my ass off! Thank you, I won't have to excercise as hard tonight. That hamster picture is the best!

creative-type dad said...

So did you cut up those thugs and put them in Ragu?

Lisa-licious said...

All of a sudden I feel like eating chicken parmigiana for dinner. With Ragu, of course!

To those ad people: If you drop HHS, I will refuse to buy all the products you no longer advertise on her blog. Wait...I guess I won't really know what those products are since,...well, I will find out! I have ways!!! And then I won't buy them! So there!

Mama2hre said...

Fire up the grill! Looks like you have a free dinner walking through your hood! ;)

Gabriele Agustini said...

OMG! Hysterical!!
Thanks for sharing! :)

Bex said...

Chicken Gangstas in the hood. Bummer.

I was once attacked by a domesticated peacock in the Everglades. It was one of those quintessential "WTF?!!" moments.

♥Georgie♥ said...

YOU crack me up!!!! now help me pick up my shell!

handstowar said...

Those look like the infamous "Clucks"... real assholes

Syl said...

That's so funny, but on a serious note...

I think one of those chickens were packin' some heat!

MommyTime said...

That's one scary-ass hamster. I'm sure it could totally take down one of those pansy chickens.