Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?
Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.
Jesus: Really.
Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.
Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?
Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!
Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.
Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.
Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.
Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.
Jesus: No.
Me: Bread into broccoli.
Jesus: No.
Me: Spaghetti into spinach.
Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.
Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....
Jesus: V8.
Me: crap.
I am laughing so hard, I can't think of anything to ...I just like to be the first to comment!
ReplyDeleteJesus is very wise. Especially when it comes to diet tips.
ReplyDeleteWell, isn't wine supposed to be good for your heart? Maybe Jesus hasn't read the latest in research about wine.
ReplyDeleteConsider it communion... drink the wine
ReplyDeleteLeave it to Jesus!
ReplyDeleteMan, that Jesus is such a downer. Besides, drinking wine is just like eating grapes so really cutting it out of your diet is like cutting out fresh fruits. Take that, Jesus.
ReplyDeletehahahahaha that was perfect!
ReplyDeleteDid you hear that the Church was offering Diet Host? It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus".
ReplyDeleteAlways love your imaginary talks with Jesus. I think Jesus was over hear and did the old switcheroo with my coke zero. And I'm not very happy about it.
ReplyDeletetoo funny (you too, Marinka) It really probably would help me, but then I would be so grouchy I could care less if I was skinny.
ReplyDeleteThat Jesus...
ReplyDeleteHe probably turned my rum into radishes by now then. :-( And the beer into beats. Blah.
ReplyDeleteMan, Jesus is a stubborn dude- no negotiations?
ReplyDeleteMaybe he meant whine....not wine...
ReplyDeleteSo funny...I hear that little voice all the time...drink more water but its my annoying fit husband!
ReplyDeleteOh, too funny!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
ReplyDeleteFantastic!!! Now if only he could turn my water into Nyquil, at least for the next couple of days...its cherry flavored so that should count for at least ONE serving of fruit. Right?
ReplyDeleteAwesome. Well, not awesome about the wine into water thing. That sucks.
ReplyDeleteBut I have also dramatically decreased my intake of wine to help me lose weight. On the positive side, I am losing weight, but the fucking shakes are gonna do me in.
But, but...wine is good for your heart, so it's basically ALREADY health food.
ReplyDeleteI'd say wine into water was sacrilege, but if it came from Jesus, you're just screwed.
ReplyDeleteHA! I am laughing so hard right now!! You are so funny. Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteOMG - thanks for the laughter! That was priceless. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteYes, I daresa Jesus is right. Btw, has Jesus seen the Slanket? Its like the Snuggie, with less press.
ReplyDeletetrisha
momdot.
Lmao! Too funny! Great post!
ReplyDeleteI guess we know what you are giving up for lent. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteJesus is my Personal Trainer.
ReplyDeleteGreat tip from Jesus! Man, he needs to write a book or something! Oh...right.
ReplyDeleteSo much easier if he'd just turn my beer into diet pills or better? Lipo.
ReplyDeleteNot to get all seriuos on you but Jesus may have a point.
ReplyDeleteEven moderate drinking affects women's cancer risk.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/besttreatments/2009/feb/24/even-moderate-drinking-affects-womens-cancer-risk.
"Shoulda had a V8"
alcohol not only 'bloats' you, but it converts straight into fat. why do you think so many men have beer bellies? lol
ReplyDeletenow that is just not fair at all!!!
ReplyDeleteAre you giving wine up for Lent??? Is that what you're telling us? I actually have a friend who is doing that.... SERIOUSLY! I'll be praying for him!
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!!! This is genuis ... thanks!
ReplyDeleteThat is too funny. and something I need.
ReplyDeleteJust watch, Jesus will be the next spokesperson for Jenny Craig.
ReplyDeleteHA, HA thats funny!
ReplyDeleteSo is this what you're giving up for 40 days?
ReplyDeleteWhoaaaa, anonymous. Way to go all Debbie Downer on us.
ReplyDeleteDon't be a serious sally.
LOL.....Just like a man to take away our sanity savers!
ReplyDeleteDUDE - stupid resolutions and the pressures they put on you!! And whatever with Jesus being all super know-it-all!? That's not a very likable trait - someone should tell him that.
ReplyDeleteHey B2B
ReplyDeleteYou are right, sorry, my bad.
Here I was being all Willy Nilly with my coments and should have been a Silly Billy.
Sorry Folks
Crap, I thought wine was one of my 2 fruits for the day...
ReplyDeleteHow come you get special favors from Jesus? I've been asking for diet help for years and He helps You when you didn't even ask?? Whatever...guess He figured your post about would get more hits than mine. Serves you right for being so funny.
ReplyDeleteI am new to the world of blogging and I happened to stumble across your blog. This is absolutely hysterical. I am officially addicted to your blog.
ReplyDeleteDude. Jesus' priorities are totally off. The ones you proposed where much more reasonable choices.
ReplyDeleteThink he can come over and turn all my veggies into chocolate?
ReplyDeleteJust asking.
Niiiice.
ReplyDeleteYou always make me smile. Thank you:)
ReplyDeleteI knew it. A true buzzkill He is.
ReplyDeleteWhy drink alcoholic wine when you can get the same benefit from red grape juice - the benefit being in the skin of the grape - without having to drink alcohol?
ReplyDelete