Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.
I feel like a grounded teenager.
Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.
Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."
My neighborhood:
You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.
So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:
The f*ck.
Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."
Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"
Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."
Me: "So wild hamsters?"
Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)
I'm just askin:
Hilarious! I don't pay you but thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteHAH! Wild goldfish? They'd be all up in our fish Strawberry's business.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I heard Wild Turkey will kick your bum but domesticated turkey will just make you nap.
ReplyDeleteI think you should totally get paid for this funny post! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is twice as funny to me because just last night I had a dream about a wild turkey. And then I had to explain to the boyfriend about how a wild turkey does not, in fact, appear rabid or super-sized but looks exactly like a regular turkey. Just in the wild.
ReplyDeleteBoys have wild imaginations.
I don't appreciate you using my hamster's likeness in your blog without my permission.
ReplyDeleteYou caught Mr.Mochafrappachino on a really bad day. He was on his period and just found out LOST was over-over. (I moved the wheel away from the television after he started watching Oprah...) He really hates surprises. And Twilight. (i knowwww)
Anyway. I'll let it slide this time. Because we're blog-friendsish and all, but if you want to get a photo of my sweet ninja cat, you're gonna have to pay the piper.
ps- Ragu can suckit.
I get sad when you don't post! I love your freaky sense of humor.
ReplyDeletealso, tell your ad people to BITE YOU.
Honestly, don't know who you are...never read you before...found you through pocklock. Sitting at work charting on my obnoxious patient who finally just fell asleep...Just laughed so hard I literally LOL..don't know if I should say "thanks for the laugh" or "Thanks for making me wake up my patient"...grrrrr!
ReplyDeleteYou may not post often enough, but when you do I almost always end up snorting a drink through my nose~ Thanks!!! Stay off the mean streets of "niceville" LOL
ReplyDeleteBy the way I hate Ragu and wouldn't buy it even if they do pay you:)
Wild hamsters are scary, man. It's midnight in Switzerland and I'm about to go to bed, and now I'm going to have nightmares about wild hamsters and shooting chickens. You are one mean lady when they take you away from the pool!
ReplyDeleteOh Thank the 8 lb. 2 oz baby jeebus... she's back!!! I was getting worried.
ReplyDeleteThat was so funny, I'll send you a jar of Ragu. Oh wait...they don't pay you in Ragu? Oh. Well, that's all I have right now.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're back.. I miss your humor.
ReplyDeleteHysterical. Love the honesty of this post -- so refreshing to read. I am constantly told I'm "putting myself out there" -- love to read others willing to do the same. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteOMG I laugh most of my ass off! Thank you, I won't have to excercise as hard tonight. That hamster picture is the best!
ReplyDeleteSo did you cut up those thugs and put them in Ragu?
ReplyDeleteAll of a sudden I feel like eating chicken parmigiana for dinner. With Ragu, of course!
ReplyDeleteTo those ad people: If you drop HHS, I will refuse to buy all the products you no longer advertise on her blog. Wait...I guess I won't really know what those products are since,...well, I will find out! I have ways!!! And then I won't buy them! So there!
Fire up the grill! Looks like you have a free dinner walking through your hood! ;)
ReplyDeleteOMG! Hysterical!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! :)
Chicken Gangstas in the hood. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteI was once attacked by a domesticated peacock in the Everglades. It was one of those quintessential "WTF?!!" moments.
YOU crack me up!!!! now help me pick up my shell!
ReplyDeleteThat's so funny, but on a serious note...
ReplyDeleteI think one of those chickens were packin' some heat!
That's one scary-ass hamster. I'm sure it could totally take down one of those pansy chickens.
ReplyDelete