Wednesday, June 3, 2009

There's a Fine Line Between Shamu-ing and Prostitution







Over Memorial Day weekend, my husband's niece was raving about this book called "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage".

Basically, the author's point is that humans can be "trained" to do certain things and avoid bad behaviors with the same "reward" techniques used at SeaWorld. Devotees of the book call the technique "Shamu-ing".

The f*ck.

So I'm in my lounge chair by the pool, sipping a Captain Morgan & Diet and I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle. 

That mofo downloaded the Shamu book.

Anyway. So it's Memorial Day weekend, and maybe the Captain & Cokes are going down pretty smooth and all my Twilight fanfiction has updated and Saturn is in the third house with Venus rising and Mr. Happy Hour is in for - well, a happy hour.

The next morning, he goes to the grocery store (?), comes back and says, and I quote: "Look! I got you sushi!"

No lie. Sushi. Like I'm a damn sea lion.

THEN he says "Oh- and I got cash- do you need any?"

Fish. And cash. That mofo is Shamu-ing me over last night's sex.

Me: Are you SHAMU-ING me????????

Him: What? No!

Me: How much cash did you get?

Him: 400.

Me: I'll take 3.
at

44 comments:

  1. Susie SJune 3, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    OMG! Thank you for the laughs! I'll have to watch out to make sure my hubby doesn't try the same thing. Although I wouldnt' mind the money.

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  2. obladi obladaJune 3, 2009 at 12:46 PM

    ROTFL-I wanna be Shamu-ed, if involves hubby handing over money. I think Ill buy the book and leave it "lying around".

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  3. roy/elisabeth deanJune 3, 2009 at 12:55 PM

    hmmmmmm......
    sex= dinner+money?
    Holy Crap! I'm been shamu-ing for years!
    I've gotta take a shower now.
    ♥,Lilly

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  4. KeyonaJune 3, 2009 at 1:06 PM

    Girl you better get your money by any means necessary! LOL!

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  5. BrenJune 3, 2009 at 1:10 PM

    Wow - I had better get my husband the book - what page does it say to freely hand over money???

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  6. BamawhitneyJune 3, 2009 at 1:19 PM

    SOOOO hilarious!!!!!!! LMAO!

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  7. JenJune 3, 2009 at 1:21 PM

    HAHAHA!!! I need to get that book.

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  8. Piece o' Coconut CakeJune 3, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    What is WRONG with you?! Why didn't you tell him you needed all $400?!

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  9. kristiJune 3, 2009 at 1:31 PM

    OMG I have heard of this book! a lady once said it did wonders with "training" her hubs. but hmm i never thought of it the other way around. you better watch out! or atleast go for a raise, you are an upper class ho so you need mo doh!

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  10. DebraJune 3, 2009 at 1:55 PM

    That was too funny.

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  11. JenJune 3, 2009 at 2:06 PM

    hey whatever works.

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  12. AnonymousJune 3, 2009 at 2:29 PM

    Shamu'd.

    Snort.

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  13. PatriceJune 3, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    lmao that is fantastic!! So funny!

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  14. Stereos and SoufflesJune 3, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    Shamu-wow!

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  15. AletaJune 3, 2009 at 2:41 PM

    Well... now.... I'm going to go buy the book. LMAO. Great post!

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  16. AnonymousJune 3, 2009 at 2:53 PM

    That is so funny! Now I have my guard up...no Shamu crap for me! :)

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  17. KikiJune 3, 2009 at 2:55 PM

    i just assumed i would be training my hubby for the rest of our days together, if i last that long. i didn't realize there was this "shamu-ing" method and i want a piece of it. i am buying this book. thanks and take care.
    -Kiki

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  18. MarlaJune 3, 2009 at 4:09 PM

    splashing away... waiting for my treat!

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  19. Jennifer ShawJune 3, 2009 at 5:14 PM

    Hrmm.
    1-Beau randomly does a bunch of chores yesterday, one of my favorite favors...
    2-Last week he handed me cash for no reason...
    *Thinks back to last fun time*
    *slowly does the math*

    Damn, I'd be pissed but...is he READING and actual BOOK?!?!
    AND I GET A CLEAN HOUSE AND SPENDIES?

    *shrug*
    Works for me!

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  20. KurtJune 3, 2009 at 5:38 PM

    I thought shamu-ing was a kinky sex thing and then I realized no one would want to be the whale in bed. (*insert horrid "harpooning" pun here*)

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  21. Gettysburg MomJune 3, 2009 at 6:08 PM

    I don't even want to know what sort of Google traffic you get off a post with Shamu and Prostitution in the title...

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  22. Former Fat ChickJune 3, 2009 at 6:21 PM

    You silly ORCA...I always get my money and dinner BEFORE I give ANY sex...well DUH...sny I mske him tske me to bsr w/ my girlfriends and watch us dance...I'm the best HO eva!!

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  23. Southern GalJune 3, 2009 at 6:38 PM

    OMG - that is hilar!

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  24. KirstenJune 3, 2009 at 7:02 PM

    That's a good Shamu!!!!

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  25. Needs HelpJune 3, 2009 at 7:03 PM

    hahaha, i haven't heard of this book but hilarious!!

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  26. AJJune 3, 2009 at 7:29 PM

    I love it and am so getting this book!

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  27. AliJune 3, 2009 at 8:01 PM

    Last night I fixed my hubby an iced coffee AND gave him a foot rub--he kept asking me, "what's the catch?" Hee!

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  28. AiringMyLaundryJune 3, 2009 at 8:02 PM

    Haha!!

    Now I'm curious about that book. I've never heard of it before.

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  29. LeslieJune 3, 2009 at 8:07 PM

    my husband has no idea why I break into fits of laughter while at the computer. (Specifically while visiting your blog.) And well, I was thinking... maybe he needs some shamu-ing. Only, that might take effort on my part. And yeah, well, no. Thanks. But you are the funniest. blogger. ever. Dooce? Who the hell is she? You rock.

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  30. JenniJune 3, 2009 at 9:45 PM

    You should have taken all 400!

    I wonder is Shamu-ing would work on my husband???

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  31. Puttin' On The GRITSJune 4, 2009 at 12:08 AM

    OMG. I'm dying.

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  32. Momma ChaeJune 4, 2009 at 1:33 AM

    LOL I love this post. "The MOFO.." hee hee

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  33. DebJune 4, 2009 at 6:48 AM

    Amazing how they respond, isn't it?

    What did you do with the money? :)

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  34. SarahJune 4, 2009 at 7:50 AM

    I about spit my coffee out..I love you!!!!!!!
    And thanks for the info..I will have to watch for this kind of shamu-ing. ;)

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  35. LindyJune 4, 2009 at 8:12 AM

    Is $400 the recommended amount in the book?

    I'm all about that.

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  36. Bad ChristyJune 4, 2009 at 9:43 AM

    What?! Your husband went to the grocery store?! How the F did you get him to do that? And exactly how do I 'Shamu' mine into going to the store, or fixing the toilet?

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  37. JarrardJune 4, 2009 at 11:17 AM

    Since I had forgotten the name of the new reading device this statement made me laugh out loud - "I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle."

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  38. MichelleJune 4, 2009 at 10:12 PM

    How funny! I haven't heard of this book before.

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  39. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 8:30 AM

    The guy gets sniped and he still has to Shamu you?

    You have got it made!

    Now if he would just bring chocolate instead of fish.... I am sure he can be trained.

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  40. BOSSYJune 5, 2009 at 2:39 PM

    So funny! By the way, Bossy will take the other $100.

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  41. Laural Out LoudJune 7, 2009 at 3:38 PM

    I would totally give my husband more sex if I got sushi and money afterwards. Now I just need to figure out how to make is seem like it's all HIS idea.

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  42. BrittanyJune 8, 2009 at 8:43 AM

    Ok that was hilarious, although shamu-ing sounds like a sex postion. Like maybe diving off a high place, like a dresser, and landing on him while he tosses sushi in your mouth?

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  43. Life, Love And LolaJune 8, 2009 at 4:37 PM

    LMAO!!! I actually have this book...Haven't read it yet...Might explain why I left my husband...Maybe he should have read it!

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  44. MJune 9, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    Oh I am SO finding me a man who is willing to do this!!

    Shoot, let him read that stuff all he wants. Sushi and cash? I'd give it up for that!

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