Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Terrorist Do's and Don'ts

Listen. There is nothing funny about terrorist threats.

And today on the front page of Fox News (Yes, Fox News: Because, as I've told you, I need immediate notification of A) security threats and B) women who deliver babies into their sweatpants ) they reported that Baitullah Mehsud, commander of the Taliban in Pakistan, has declared that he is going to mastermind an attack on Washington "that will amaze the world".

As I said, not funny.

But. THIS is the picture they ran with the article.

I promise this is not an April Fools post.


Um....where to begin.

Baitullah, Baitullah, Baitullah....

WHEN THREATENING THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD:


DO: Spend a little extra on a good conditioner. If your curls aren't shiny and bouncy, you'll just come off looking like a rastafarian poodle.

DON'T: Rock a tired old "bad guy" bandana. It screams 'amatuer' and just reminds us of Michael Jackson.

DON'T: Wear a hat that looks like an apple pie. In fact, all pastry-themed headgear is decidedly unscary.


Yanni hair-havin', Mrs. Smith's apple pie hat-wearin', cartoon bank-robber scarf-rockin' mofo...
at

51 comments:

  1. MarinkaMarch 31, 2009 at 9:09 PM

    It's like he's auditioning for Queer Eye for the Straight Jihadist.

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  2. JackieMarch 31, 2009 at 9:12 PM

    Nooooo not Washington! Boo!

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  3. LuLuMarch 31, 2009 at 9:23 PM

    I say apple pie mixed with some type of delicate mushroom:)

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  4. ...March 31, 2009 at 9:25 PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    that is all.

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  5. CassieMarch 31, 2009 at 9:27 PM

    Is it just me or does he look like Ben Stiller in a bad wig and apple pie hat ?

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  6. Angie's SpotMarch 31, 2009 at 9:34 PM

    OMG, my husband & I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. This is definitely making my "best of the week" post this weekend.

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  7. Miss YvonneMarch 31, 2009 at 9:41 PM

    He looks like a Johnny Depp pirate reject. Arrrgggghh maties!

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  8. ShannonMarch 31, 2009 at 9:46 PM

    Cassie: I thought it looked a little like Daniel Day-Lewis! HA!

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  9. JenMarch 31, 2009 at 9:55 PM

    why do guys get to have all the good curls.

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  10. LipstickMarch 31, 2009 at 10:08 PM

    LMAO!!!! especially about the apple pie hat. Dumbass probably thinks he looks cool.

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  11. kristiMarch 31, 2009 at 10:13 PM

    is it me or does that guy look like Ben Stiller with a weird wig?

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  12. CathieMarch 31, 2009 at 10:15 PM

    OMG! Your comments are hilarious!

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  13. Joan NovarkMarch 31, 2009 at 10:21 PM

    Is that Cat Stevens?

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  14. Caffeine CourtMarch 31, 2009 at 11:08 PM

    If this dude sits next to me on a plane...I'm so outta there!!!

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  15. HeatherMarch 31, 2009 at 11:14 PM

    As someone who is actually named Mrs. Smith, I'd like to point out that my pies are much more chic and fashionable, not to mention scads more delicious than the pathetic, lumpy-crusted attempt at a "couture confection" Mr. No, Really, I'm a Scary Terrorist Dude's got going on up there.

    Just sayin' ...

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  16. .March 31, 2009 at 11:15 PM

    That was freakin hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

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  17. Tuesday TaylorMarch 31, 2009 at 11:21 PM

    I was thinking the hat was more tattered Raggedy Andy

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  18. 3 PeanutsMarch 31, 2009 at 11:30 PM

    I agree with Cassie...he does resemble Ben Stiller:)

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  19. Swirl GirlMarch 31, 2009 at 11:40 PM

    Sue- this is THE BEST ever. You should forward it to The Daily Show. I could see Jon Stewart repeating it verbatim.

    and Marinka- LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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  20. BamawhitneyApril 1, 2009 at 12:20 AM

    You are super funny! I am new to your blog and loving it!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Rock, Paper, ScissorsApril 1, 2009 at 12:38 AM

    apple pie hat! LOL

    Thanks for the smile!

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  22. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 1:27 AM

    Add in some "Grecian Formula" to cover the greys, and he can go from "terrorista" to "fashionista"! Bring it on, stinky Sasquatch! "ALLAH be waitin' for you with my Smith and Wesson, as I am one of those who 'clings to my God and my guns!'"

    ReplyDelete
  23. JenApril 1, 2009 at 1:51 AM

    Washington as in Forks?? No need to worry then. The Cullens will protect us from any and all terrorists threats.

    Washington as in DC?? We're all screwed.

    ReplyDelete
  24. SweetPeaSurryApril 1, 2009 at 2:40 AM

    he he he ... my eyes are crying from laughing so hard. That last statment is PRICELESS!

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  25. Barefoot in the ParkApril 1, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    bwhahaha ...

    i wonder if they'll pick up your column in jihadist glamour?

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  26. ♥ KathyApril 1, 2009 at 9:35 AM

    LOL the hat DOES look like an apple pie...weird...

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  27. The B FamilyApril 1, 2009 at 9:40 AM

    Don't think I've ever left you a comment. This is your funniest yet.
    Christina

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  28. Bad ChristyApril 1, 2009 at 10:03 AM

    Only you could find humor in the attire of a terrorist! Thank you!

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  29. LynApril 1, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    Dangit somebody already asked if it was Cat Stevens. I wanted to ask that. Dangit.

    This guy - didn't he get the message? The war on terror is over. Obama said so.

    In the meantime after the Obama election, and the Obama stimulus plan, and the Obama takeover of banking and the auto industry...well I just don't think there's anything else to do to wreck Washington DC. Obama kinda did a preemptive strike thing. Nothing left.

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  30. michelleApril 1, 2009 at 10:24 AM

    " like a rastafarian poodle."

    Is the Guard Poodle interested in updating his look? I would suspect he had better tasted than that!

    ReplyDelete
  31. BrenApril 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    Thanks for a good laugh!

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  32. Susie QApril 1, 2009 at 12:05 PM

    Marinka.....coffee on the computer monitor...thanks!

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  33. Former Fat ChickApril 1, 2009 at 12:17 PM

    Is that Ben Stiller dressed up as Huckleberry Pie! haaaaaaaaahaha

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  34. BrittanyApril 1, 2009 at 12:36 PM

    Dude, he looks like a pirate.

    Like, the Jack Sparrow of terrorists.

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  35. DejoniApril 1, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    You would think with all that terroist money they could AT LEAST dress nice and have a trim every now and then...gansta it up a little.

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  36. Mama DawgApril 1, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    That hat reminds me of the creepy guy from the Strawberry Shortcake show.

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  37. Mama DawgApril 1, 2009 at 2:38 PM

    The Pie Guy:

    http://www.strawberry-shortcake.net/CollectorsInfo/Vintage/First/purplepieman.JPG

    ReplyDelete
  38. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 5:53 PM

    Sue...come on now...did you stop coloring your hair? Sorry, cheap shot.

    April Fool's right?

    If not...maybe this Pirate was delivered into sweatpants or is from Somalia?

    ReplyDelete
  39. Dawn Parsons SmithApril 1, 2009 at 5:59 PM

    Apple pie hat...snorty snort snort! And I'm afraid Shannon up there is right! He does bear a wee resemblance to DDL!!!!!

    LMAO as usual when I come by!

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  40. Dawn Parsons SmithApril 1, 2009 at 6:00 PM

    Oh! It just occured to me that perhaps Bathtub Gangsta should set this freak of nature straight about his fashion choices....just sayin...

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  41. JulieApril 1, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    This will give you an idea of my deep, deep obsession with Wide Awake -- when I read this post, all I could think of was "shiny f#@$ing curls!" As always, you're hilarious.

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  42. JenniApril 1, 2009 at 8:34 PM

    Wow...it really DOES look like an apple pie!

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  43. MommyTimeApril 1, 2009 at 9:42 PM

    I was going to leave some comment about dressing like a member of the chorus in Pirates of the Penzance, but Marinka's comment made me laugh so hard that I can hardly type a complete sentence.

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  44. ShaggsApril 1, 2009 at 10:59 PM

    How can we be sure that's not Kim Kardashian wanting to bomb Washington because she cant spell it and/or identify it on a map?

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  45. AracelyApril 1, 2009 at 11:48 PM

    So this pop tart on my head is a bad idea?

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  46. Noob MommyApril 2, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    Totes a pie hat! He's like the pie thief guy from Strawberry Shortcake.

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  47. Jayne NeverowApril 2, 2009 at 6:03 PM

    Pastry themed headgear is a little scary to me. Great blog, btw. You are hilarious.

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  48. AnonymousApril 3, 2009 at 1:37 PM

    You've got some pretty damn good points!

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  49. the MayorApril 5, 2009 at 10:19 PM

    I guess I missed my 15 minutes of fame. 1991, I delivered my 4th child in the Dodge Caravan on the way to the hospital. Still had on my stretchy maternity shorts. I just never dreamed that would be "news".

    ReplyDelete
  50. UnknownApril 22, 2009 at 3:08 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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    ReplyDelete