Dear Joe,
I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to say it.
There's somebody else.
His name is Edward Cullen.
He's a vampire.
So even though he's 17 in the movie, he's really 108, which is really more age-appropriate for me.
I still think you're totally cute, but I just noticed you're not that good a singer, no offense. And how come you only play the tambourine? That's kind of lame.
I know what you're thinking: I've got Obsesssive Cullen Disorder, blah blah blah.
This weekend will only be the third time I've seen the movie, and everyone on TwilightMoms.com says that's about average.
Coincidentally, Edward's a virgin too, but only because he might kill someone by accident....you're just....Well, I don't know what you're problem is, actually.
So please don't text me - I just need some space - I'm going to Kinkos now to make a Flat Edward copy my tax returns.
xoxo Sue
xoxo Sue
Thanks for the heads up about your blog post! Too funny!
ReplyDeleteSweet. I love that you broke up with Joe Jonas on a blog. Taylor Swift must be jumping up and down about this after how he broke up with her.
ReplyDeleteJoe Jonas/Taylor Swift...Why do I even know this useless information....
I'm running out of ways to tell you you're funny! Thanks for another snorting, gulping laugh!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job in letting Joe down...gently.
ReplyDeleteI'm only interested in Edward for his money. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
Funny, funny post!
Will you send me one of those flat Edwards so I can prop him up in my bedroom?
ReplyDeleteI'm SO glad you ended things with Joe. I saw him and his brothers performing on the halftime show at the Dallas game on Thanksgiving. Yikes. Someone needs to send their manager a text and tell him "Live J Bros...Not Ok." I haven't heard that much screeching since I stepped on my cat's tail.
ReplyDeleteEdward is a much better choice. He's all broody and mysterious and could totally rip you apart if he wanted to...which is pretty hot, if you think about it.
This is too cute!
ReplyDeleteat least you know you'll get hot bed-breaking, back scratching sex w edward once he succumbs.
ReplyDeleteand hey, what about jacob? maybe you need a flat board of him, too, for your dream team.
also, why don't you have the twilight background you can find here?
http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/background.php?id=380
did you see the blinky on my blog? it says my heart belongs to my husband, but my neck belongs to edward. yeah, you can get that there, too. it's o.k. i'll let ya.
... and did you see him try to dance on Ellen? DORK!! I wanted to tell you, but I knew you'd figure it out someday.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have moved over to the better man, I mean vampire! BUT, I haven't said I would share Edward?!?! ;)
ReplyDeleteAt least Mr. Cullen is old enough to get into a bar. He is 108 afterall.
ReplyDeleteAh, love sweet sweaty love. Ain't it beautiful?
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to break up with Taylor Swift too...
Where is Santa Claus right now?
Joe, thems the breaks kid!
ReplyDeleteTotally diggin the "Dear Joe" bloggy letter.
hahahahahahahaha!!! I had to break up with Shai LaBeouf the other day as Edward has totally stolen my affections. I am not going to say how many times I have seen the movie....I may need someone to give me an intervention. Just saying. heehee
ReplyDeletedawn
yeah...i'm over him too, now let's get back to that conversation about Josh Holloway ..
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting us know you've moved on...bout time :O)! You're hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI thought I heard someone screaming 'why Sue why!' today--did I mention the boys live near us?!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you though.
I so want a flat Edward now.
Wow. Poor Joe. Has a lot of public break ups. I like your new choice muuuuuuuch better because I'm pretty sure he at least has pubes.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of torn myself. It may just be a tambourine, but Joe sure does know how to SHAKE that tambourine. Edward on the other hand is just so dreamy. Swoon.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny. It is like you transferred your lust over to me. I mean, of course Edward Cullen wins hands down when it comes to being the sexiest guy ever to exist, but I can't help but be a slightly turned on by that damn Jonas ever since you brought up how damn cute he was. Damn it!
ReplyDeleteOh man. Not you, too. I really can't understand why so many grown women are so obsessed with this whole Twilight thing.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I really can't talk. I'm still trying to get over my 20+ year obsession with Rutger Hauer (aka Ladyhawke man). :-)
I KNEW you were after my man. I just knew it. I am co-author of a blog devoted solely to Robert Pattinson. It's http://rpattinsonobsession.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteWe like to put pictures of him on there. LOL
Now back away from my man. SLOWLY.
hey I think you may have beat the record setting 27 sec breakup via text! LOL!!
ReplyDeletei am, and always was WAAAAY before the recent "Sexiest Man Alive" title....a Hugh Jackman lover.
LOL....
ReplyDeleteHey whilst you're out, can you make me a copy of Jasper? I've totally got the hots for Jasper.
Your Dear Joe letter was awesome, and something tells me he understands. I think since the release of Twilight, he's been getting his fair share of Dear Joe letters. *lol*
Just so you know...you can BUY a Flat Edward an amazon.com (not that I have it on my wish list or anything).
ReplyDeleteI luv Edward 4-eva!
But you're still counting down to when Joe turns 21... Perhaps you can change that to count up the number of days from now on that Joe will be without Happy Hour Sue!!!
ReplyDeleteFunny!
ReplyDeleteFUNNY stuff!
ReplyDeleteSo, just started book four and
ReplyDeleteO.M.G.
is it hot in here?!?
It's one of those "it's not me, its you letters." Funny.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. You may want to think on this one. Joe doesn't seem to run around as much as Edward. That man slut is all over the damn place. *cough cough* No, that was not him you saw sneaking out of my window this morning.
ReplyDeleteYou have ROGERS advertising on your Blog???!!!
ReplyDeleteWaiting for your Blog on David Spade...gives us losers hope when he ends up with all the hot chicks!
He was even "Friends" with Heather!
Poor Flat Joe....can I have him now???? But tell him to leave his tambourine at your house....not hot.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Breakup.
ReplyDeleteForget the Spade commentary..I want your take on the Russell Brand remake of Arthur
Sweeet. More Joe For ME!
ReplyDeleteI wondered when this was going to happen. I'm more than a little jealous that you've seen the movie 3 times...I've only been able to see it once. Oh Robert, I mean Edward, how I love thee...
ReplyDeleteyeah, you still have that counter up. I guess you still need that one contact with Joe, just in case Edward stands up up at Prom.
ReplyDeleteI like how you think.
What about when the Edward doll comes out... what will happen to the Bathtub Gangsta??? ;)
ReplyDeleteI got 'Edward-Itis' too
ReplyDelete{sigh...} Flat Edward.... Cold, hard and Sparkly. He dazzles me. Gotta get me one of them flat Edwards, too.
ReplyDeletehaving just arrived in the states i had no idea what or who twilight or edward cullen was/is. i think i had heard mention of it/him on the internet, but people in my real world weren't talking about it. that has changed! i feel so left out of the frenzy. i need to figure all this out!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh!!! I have just read Twilight (in one day...could not put it down) and I now see what all the hype is all about. Edward is my new boyfriend also. Can we share? hahah!
ReplyDeleteI can always count on you to make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteYou did it again!
Love this letter.
I am glad you moved on.
Have fun with flat Edward!
Edward is totally hot! I would so turn into an vampiress so I could live with him forever...
ReplyDeletewhen will you post about BG again?! I'm having withdrawals!
ReplyDeleteAt least your flat Edward will be two-dimensional...which puts him way ahead of most of the fellas I dated back in the day...
ReplyDeleteI think I'm the last woman (oops) mom (oops) ok, FEMALE who hasn't read the books!
:^) Anna
Oh yes. Edward. Now this I can understand:)
ReplyDeleteHave you read book 4 yet? Oh girlfriend, just wait.
ReplyDeleteIf there is not a book 5, I'm going to have to kill myself.
New Moon was my favorite though.
That's freaking fantastic. Your going to make a flat Edward. I'm dying here. I love it. Can you make one for me? ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping for a 3rd time, just haven't made it yet. Best wishes to you and Edward
ReplyDeleteI just peed in my pants. I am glad I am not the only immature Mom in the blogosphere. I just thought you might like to know that Edward and I have been dating exclusively. He is no longer a virgin. Sorry for any inconvience this has caused you.
ReplyDeletehello,my name is
ReplyDeletedasha.i am 11years old and i leave in malaysia i wanted to write that i got all the songs and movies at my disk my best friend is yore bigest fan,and its so funny when she is asking youre autoghref in her dreams and she almost remember all youre songs,in our sience lab she she ensted of teaching she is sings a song,but she is always telling to be sombadis fan and i always repeat the same that i like every body of singers and actrisses.