Judgement Day

It occurred to me recently, that if there really is going to be a "Judgement Day", the odds are I will be in my kitchen. Probably watching reality television while loading the dishwasher, eating cheese.

Jesus: I'm Back.

Me: HOLY-. What - now? Like, 'BACK'- back? 

Jesus: Yup.

Me: So you're all, 'today, Wednesday July 30th, is Judgement Day'?

Jesus: Why not.

Me: I don't know, it's so random...I thought there'd be, like, storms and volcanoes and stuff.

Jesus: There are no volcanoes in Pennsylvania. Anyway: "He shall come again to judge the living and the dead." , remember?

Me: Well, can you start with the dead first then come back so I can vacuum?

Jesus: No. (gets out clipboard). Let's begin. Where are your children?

Me: They're...um....(sigh). Playing video games in the basement. Crap.

Jesus: What was that?

Me: I said "crap".

Jesus: (scribbling)..interesting language...

Me: Shit!!!!!!! Ugh.

Jesus: I see you wrote a whole blog post about lying to your husband regarding your spending.

Me: Oh, that. But I got like 50 comments so it's not just me. 

Jesus: Moving on...'gluttony', check....'sloth' (looks around) obviously....

Me: Dude - This would be totally clean but I had to read some blogs. First. Then cleaning was next. Then reading scripture to the kids. Then the homeless shelter...then Blockbuster.

Jesus: Please don't call me 'Dude'. And I have some concerns regarding the 'lust'.

Me: Oh, well. That.

Jesus: Says here in my notes: "Josh Holloway. Mark Wahlberg. 'McDreamy'.'McSteamy'. Mark Ruffalo, 2 karate instructors and a 'Jonas Brother'. How old is the Jonas Brother.

Me: 19. Pretty sure.

Jesus: (sighs) I'll get back to you by the end of the day.

Me: Crap.