Halloween Candy Hangover

Damn you, Halloween Candy.

You win. Again.

I really thought this was gonna be my year: The Year I Didn't Touch the Halloween Candy.

I had a 3-part plan.
 1. Buy candy to give out that I don't like.
 2. Chew lots of gum.
 3. Don't touch the kids' loot.

It was stellar. Foolproof. Probably the same strategy Heidi Klum employs.

I rocked step #1. Bought 2 ginormous bags of Mike & Ike - (blecch.)
After the kids got home Halloween night, Step #2 was launched: Trident Mint, 4 out of 5 dentists, it's all good.

Remember that movie "The Day After"?

Yeah. The Day After is when all hell breaks loose. And you're in your kitchen all mindin' your own business and there's a bright shiny Kit Kat bar just sittin' there on the counter. And it's all, "Hey! No one's around.....just break off one little piece.." and you're all :"No way, Devil-Candy." and the Kit Kat's all, "Come on, live a little, you wuss."

And the next thing you know you've inhaled 2 Kit Kats, 3 Reeces, 2 caramels and some malted milkballs. And you're all, "CRAP! Heidi Klum would SO not have done that."

And then it's a downward spiral like a heroine addict who just started out smoking a little weed. 

First it's just the high-end stuff: Your Reeces, your Twix, your Three Muskateers....but when that runs out and there's no dealer to get you the good stuff, you resort to the "second tier". The Milk Duds....the Tootsie Rolls....the Starburst.

And before you know it, you've hit rock bottom. You're surrounded by dum-dum wrappers and you're eyeing a Bit-O-Honey.

And your 8-year-old is demanding to know where all her candy went.

And because you are, after all, an adult, and her mother, you look her in the eye and say:

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. It was probably your brother and his friends."