Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Candygate












Well, I don't want to alarm anyone....but I'm pretty sure the douche-ification of our school system is complete.

It started, of course, with "summer homework". Because God forbid anybody get TOO relaxed on their 10 weeks off. Nothing says 'carefree' like 4 book reports and a diorama hanging over your head.

Then came the banishment of all things "Christmas"...leaving the "Holiday Singing Concert" scrambling to find as many songs about "snow" as they could find.

(And just for the record? "snow" is not a "holiday".)

Then yesterday a (pink!) memo was sent home advising parents that NO CANDY is to be sent in with valentines this week. And not in the "peanut allergy" kinda way: In the "sugar is bad for you" kinda way.

The verbage went something like "blah blah blah wellness policy blah blah 'heart-healthy' blah blah blah nutritious snacks..."


Translation? some Stage 5 Dork-Mom got her panties in a twist and steamrolled a few other cause-starved toolbags into The No Valentines Candy Uprising of 2010.

So yes, I will be sending candy in with my 3rd grader's valentines (FunDip!!) AND I took the liberty of designing a few candy hearts for the moms responsible.
































Honestly, I had to make myself stop - I could do these all day.


61 comments:

bb4mich said...

This is the best post yet...I thought Levi was good- but I am crying I am laughing so hard! Are you sure your kids don't go to my kids school!>!>!!?!?!?!?
Michelle from Miami

Peterson Family said...

Oh holy crap...you should start making waves and saying that the lead in pencils is dangerous too just to eff with them. That would be funny!

The idea of no candy for Valentine's Day is crazy. That really is a fun FAIL.

Bethany said...

Wow, no candy for Valentine's day?! That's so sad!! :(

Megness said...

Our school had a "Holiday" sing. We had the dradle song, all the children sang all the words. We had a kwanza song, again, all the words were sung. Then we had a "Christmas" song. It was Joy to the World. These were the lyrics:
Joy to the world, joy to the world. JOY TO THE WORLD!
They literally kept repeating those words to the tune of the entire song.
Gotta love that political correctness!

Julia said...

Come ON! Nothing says "Be Mine" like a bag of pretzels.

My daughter's school just had a pasta dinner fundraiser and you had to bring your own plates and utensils. Another Stage 5 Dork Mom at work.

Bad Christy said...

Oh Mah God Sue! I truly heart you in a so-not-douche-bag kinda way!

Our school outlawed birthday parties because of the home-room moms took exception to their darlings coming home all sugared up! Luckily we still have the V-day party!

I figure that the moms/staff that are against the whole sugar party/'holiday' party thing are just the home-school moms that are giving public school a try.

In the meantime, I'm on my 3rd day of snow days and I'm about to slash my wrists!

Harna said...

I would seriously cut a bitch if I got carrot sticks in my Valentine. Good for you for sending Fun Dip anyway...rebel against the fun haters!

Keyona said...

These parents are getting ridiculous! Leave shit the way it was!

Lipstick said...

No candy?? Seriously. Oh my goodness.

You know, I would buy your candy hearts though. Very funny HHS...most def a classic.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

what a ridculous policy- valentines day at school was so much fun- sad that theyll be taking that away with all the other holidays... losers.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

My kids school has been a "healthy" school for a couple of years now. They have pretty much got rid of all the parties too. Somehow they still have a halloween parade and a holiday program full of Christmas songs though.

cult leader said...

i was worried that my kids day care would be all weird about candy, and they replied "not at all, also if you could bring cup cakes that would be grand"
sweeet!
of course they gave me the 'no peanut' talk.:D

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Stage 5 Dork-Mom and her cause-starved toolbags. Thank you for that. I mean for pointing out where these ideas actually originate, but also for naming my next band.

Kathy said...

ah yes the wellness policy, can you believe they ask for only healthy snacks and if you do send cupcakes to send them withOUT frosting. What's the point? But apparantley nobody gives a flyin fig about the crappy lunch menu they're servin up to our kids. Morons.

Frau said...

What the hell book burning next!!

Candice said...

What is this world coming to?

Thanks for reminding me that I need to buy my kids Valentines for school btw.

オテモヤン said...

オナニー
逆援助
SEX
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

sevenalstons said...

That last commenter took the words right out of my mouth :)

Heather said...

We have all sorts of candy and other non-nutritious baked good treats coming in for my kid's class Valentine's Day party. I should know, 'cause I'm the class mom... Though I will confess to asking *one* mom to bring in a "healthy alternative" so she's doing a fruit platter with yogurt dip. I don't think that will exactly zero out the amount of chocolate and candy hearts I stuffed into the pinata for the party, though.

And my kid's school did a "Winter" concert and had "Winter Break" parties. Apparently the district was sued a few years ago by some of those parents who could use a few of your custom-designed candy hearts...

Chelle said...

I hate self righteous assholes. Can't they just send a note to school, instructing the teacher to make their kid be the only one who can't have candy so they have to sit and stare at all the other kids with their candy all day?

I would do the same, but I'm kind of on a hate thing for my kids' idiot principal right now. I can't deal with his shenanigans.

I brought coffee & bailey's to school to pick up my kids because I can. not. deal. with 98% of the parents there. They are a jumpy, pushy bunch. The sort that bring briefcases with snacks in them because they are stay at home parents but don't want to look like it.

They've banned the kids from RUNNING at RECESS. RUNNING at RECESS. God help them if I get a call because my six year old is too energetic. Dude... make him run.

Chelle said...

Um... that was ranty.

Oops.

The Southern Girl said...

I could not agree more! I LOVE me some Fun Dip!

Heidi said...

AARRRRGGGHHHH!!! I hate those mothers!! They think they know what's best for everyone elses kids. They need to push their agenda on their own kids and leave the rest alone!

Sunday said...

Seriously? That is freaking crazy!
You know if they brought back recess for the kids to burn off said sugar and candy this would not be an issue.

But... they cut out recess, cut out God, cut out sugar, and I am a little afraid of what they may cut next?

jenn said...

No candy for Valentine's Day is flat-out unAmerican. (But you just know that one packet of Fun-Dip is going to cause CHILDHOOD OBESITY - gasp!)

A Wedding Story said...

You are too much!!!! So funny!

kate said...

The school should send a memo home to parents that explains that "a few pieces of Valentine's Day candy isn't going to turn your kid into a blimpy fatass as long as you do things like encourage your child to be active and not be complacent with the fact that they rot in front of their TV/Playstation/X-Box during every second of their free time." But, then again, that would mean people would have to take responsibility for what happens to their own children...

Man, I miss dioramas. I wish we had to do them for work.

Lynette said...

LMAO....
I can't stand party poopers!

MeadowC said...

I'm so incredibly in love with your "Douche Tastic" heart. I want to steal it and make it my Twitter avi.

Ms. Attitude said...

The things taking place is schools now-a-days is just down right ridiculus! I can't stand it and I would totally be the parent that went against everthing they are trying to "ban".

The Carew Family said...

The private elementary school my son used to attend had a small uprising for a few years. We were only allowed to bring "heathy" snacks for parties and birthdays, not just the No Peanut kind. Anyway, my son wanted to bring brownies for his birthday treat...so we made them with apple sauce instead of oil! Healthy!! The principal agreed with me! :) That mom is no longer around and the policy is no longer in place. I you have a problem with your kid eating all that candy, let them eat what they want for a day then take the rest to work...they will be none the wiser!!

Anonymous said...

Здравствуйте уважаемые участники happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com! Превосходный ресурс в этом месте!
Неделю назад встретил любопытное качество перевода с великолепными текстами. Уникальные переведённые иноязычные базы знаний обо всём вообще. Вот образец: [url=http://computer-base.ru/node?page=110]Любопытные тексты от иностранных энциклопедий[/url]
Почитайте иностранные тексты - некоторые пыхтели переводили тысячи статей!

Sweetsheila said...

I am so totally with Kathy. Look at the shit that is on their lunch menu: breaded fried hydrogenated pressed processed mystery meat crap (no comma's cuz that's the title not the description.)

But a starburst is going to kill them? What's wrong with a little candy among childhood friends? They usually are so hyped up after the parties they run it all out anyway. I despise public school and not in some "Yearning for Zion Ranch" right-wing, home school way. Just the asinine way they think at those places. It's like the "(Insert politician you despise here) Administration" but for kids. These paid monkeys run the school as if it were their own political platform and think they know what's best for your child better than you do. Bullshit! "Of course kids need four book reports and a diorama over summer - there's a standardized test coming up and they'll need those to pass it and make us look good." Such douchebags.

I'm a little hostile... can you tell?

Sweetsheila said...

p.s. I used Google Translator to see what the Japanese commenter said... Hot stuff, but I think they might be at the wrong blog. ;)

heyMamas said...

I know it is getting TOTALLY ridic all the things we are no longer able to do.

Someone takes themselves a little too seriously.

Sadie at heyMamas

randomblogette said...

Oh hell no! I would send some giant pixie sticks for each of the kids in the class. Those parents that deprive their kids of things like candy, fun, etc. are going to be the parents who have kids that end up getting fat because they sneak things like candy or don't run... That whole no running at recess is totally ridiculous. Parents need to let their kids live and be a kid!

A Real Housewife said...

PLEASE market those! i have a few dozen people i would love to send these special valentine candies to!!

Aleta said...

WHAT?! No candy on Valentine's Day at school? What moron came up with that?! Look at all the commercials about chocolate and Valetine's Day... it's a tradition - please!!

Brie said...

SueEEEEEEEE!!!That is hilarious! Love it chica! Why don't I slack when there's not a blizzard and check this blog out more often? I need to get off the wheaties in the am and start chillin... I've got all my friends reading it now!!

Brie :)

Jenni Jiggety said...

I like when they tell the kids they aren't allowed to RUN at recess.

Are they just supposed to stand around and breathe deeply?

Anonymous said...

I am the kind of hombre who loves to taste new things. Presently I am manufacturing my hold pv panels. I am managing it all by myself without the assistance of my men. I am using the internet as the only path to acheive that. I stumbled upon a very amazing website which explains how to contruct photovoltaic panels and so on. The web site explains all the steps required to solar panel construction.

I am not sure bout how correct the data given there is. If some experts over here who have xp with these things can have a look and give your feedback in the site it would be grand and I'd really appreciate it, because I really lav [URL=http://solar-panel-construction.com/diy-solar-panel-construction-is-it-really-possible]solar panel construction[/URL].

Thanks for reading this. U guys rock.

Nana said...

Despair.com / Despair.org ...it's the 'demotivation' site that responds to those awful work motivation posters -- anyway, they have demotivational valentine hearts. So, if you need some for real...

Nuke Girl said...

I stopped crying with laughter long enough to gasp that this is indeed douchetastic!! Thank God I don't have kids, I wouldn't be able to keep my big mouth shut about that one!

MommyTime said...

"douchification" is my new favorite word. Ever. In my experience the schools are either No Candy Any of the Time or All Candy All of the Time. The latter gets my goat too. I am douchtasitically difficult to please.

Lisa-licious said...

I am the room mom for my Kindergartener, and though I was "advised" to organize a "healthy" Valentine's party, will be distributing candy bags to all the kids, along with my famous chocolate frosted fudge brownies, cut into hearts, of course!

The party is right before dismissal, so they'll all be going home "sugared"! He he he!!!

texasholly said...

INSANE. Are the kids going to have to sneak in dessert next?

Julie said...

Summer homework? Please don't let my dtr's school hear about this.
No candy on valentines...poppycock!

Housewife Bliss said...

I have just found you via henley on the horm and so needed a good laugh, you are a star. We have our school sports event coming up, and for what ever stupid reason, winning is no longer encouraged. What is wrong with winning? Anyway, I am in London, moving back to Arizona in July after 11 years and was told that winning is no longer an option there either, and to hear that candy is off the cards....well the world is going to hell in a handbasket as far as I am concerned. Anyway, will be back for more, love the blog.

Anonymous said...

Schools do this all the time now! My 8 year old came home with a request for only healthy snacks as well during Halloween (which is not Halloween at school, but fall festival!) They actually asked for cold cuts? and veggie trays? I sent her with huge cupcakes with 2 inches of frosting on the top! bite me politically correct schools!

JENNY TALIA said...

Great to see the fucking fun police is still alive and well
I guess that's the one (& only) good thing about my daughter's catholic school
They love Christmas, Valentine's Day and all the rest
Good on you for sending the candy anyway
Fuck 'em!
JT

Noonie said...

You know how into healthy food I am, but Nina is bringing a big pile of "Nerds" with her valentines tomorrow! Now that's healthy snacking!

♥ Kathy said...

umm isn't it like the law or somethin to have candy on Valentine's Day?? I mean they have entire rows of nothing but candy in every store I've been in lately...boooooo to the wellness minded mom-freak and you go girl! I'd send super-size candy bars just to prove my point..

RYD said...

You are my hero. In our school, we may now not send in homemade treats. Why? TERRORISM. Yes, terrorists, apparently, have decided to go into the homemade cookie business and could possibly send in items that will kill our children. I am so glad our school system is taking these issues into their own hands because God knows, I am ill prepared to mother my own kids.

Kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

Um, this is the funniest thing I've read all week. And I mean for at least 7 days. AND I READ A LOT.

Kelly

WhisperingWriter said...

I love your hearts. Seriously, I hate when schools say you can't bring in candy. Luckily my son's school still allows it but I'm sure there is some whining mother wanting to put a stop to it.

The Mayor said...

Good pick on the fun dip, I hate that stuff because it is so messy and sticky...but perfect for this occasion.

Bar-b said...

buzz kill is my favorite. I need this perennial (wait, perineal??? no no, def. perennial) convo heart for so many occasions.

The school district are jacktards.

Anonymous said...

[... ] is another great source on this subject[...]

kelliebean said...

You are so freakin awesome. Stage 5 dork mom - hilarious. But those candy hearts are totally over the top. Love it!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Total and complete awesomeness! I wish I knew you in person, because then we could hang out and make fun of the douches. And there are many, in every school. They suck, and just because they're loud, they get their way. I would also send in candy if that happened to us (and I have in the past).

Sarah said...

I've been laughing nonstop since clicking on your blog link! I have no children, but I am a teacher, and i promise you--we don't have these crazy rules at our school...but sometimes I wish we did. Can you imagine dealing with 18 kids(i teach pre-k) today hopped up on blowpops, sugar cookies, cupcakes, etc. after our Magic Show fundraiser? I had to come home and pop a top! I am glad, though, that my school system isn't as anal as this one seems:)