Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ghosts, Goblins and Sluts

Here is my question.

When exactly did Halloween become "Dress Like a Whore" Day.

I took my 12 and 9 year old daughters to one of those "pop-up" Halloween stores yesterday, and since the tween is now too big for the kids' section, we browsed the adult section.

Holy ho-bags.

Do they have a nurse costume? No. Slutty nurse? Sure.
Angel? No. Slutty angel? You bet.

Slutty leprechaun, slutty referee, slutty cop, slutty devil, slutty girl scout, slutty schoolgirl, slutty Dorothy, slutty nun and even slutty gardener.

Slutty gardener?

Plus there's a whole section of clear stripper heels, vinyl boots, fishnets and thigh-highs. I guess the slutty gardener would lose some street cred sporting flowered gardening clogs from Smith & Hawkins.

(this is where the gardener's knee pads comment goes but I'm obstaining...)


All I'm saying is -  they're only children. And as the parent, it is up to you to choose something classic and appropriate.

Like I did for my 9 year old.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

I had not one but TWO separate readers email me this video to use this weekend.

So, by request:

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dental Warrior

When I was a child, I had Lucifer as a dentist.

And my mother will tell you that absolutely was not his name. And I will tell her AGAIN that maybe his "Earthly pretend name" was something else, but it absolutely was The Dark Lord, Satan, Voldemort, whatever.

And he would drill our cavities WITHOUT NOVACAINE.

I really should have like a tooth tattoo with teardrops and "Never Forget" on my bicep so people "get" me.

So NOW to get a CLEANING I need to be drugged up on Xanax or I'll start having post-traumatic stress flashbacks worse than a Viet Nam vet.

So I go in today and the whole office treats me like a mental patient, and kind of herds me around like an elephant that's been shot with a tranquilizer gun.

But look! I did it. And I got a sticker.

Yay, me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Pimping This Other Blog For Eternal Life

People ask me all the time, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring ONE blog, which one would it be?"

OK people never ask me that. But I will tell you anyway.

They do ask me which Jonas brother I would bring- Joe, obviously - stupid question.

So right now some of you are thinking "Why would you tell people to go to someone else's blog?" - to which I have a 3-part answer.

#1. I live to make my readers happy.

#2. If he becomes a super-famous writer he'll probably take me along to his Ellen and Today Show appearances because after all I wrote a post about him which catapulted him onto the Forbes list and is the reason he's dated all 3 of the Kardashian sisters.

OR ....

#3. What if it's Jesus. You know, pretending to be "one of us" like in that Joan Osborne song and I come along and out of the kindness of my heart tell all my readers about his blog and then he's all:

"Behold! Blessed be the glorious soul who went forth and proclaimed my greatness on the interwebs." and I'd get, like, everlasting life and a miracle boob lift.


My favorite blog:

Go. Laugh. Subscribe. You're Welcome.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

The best reason to have a nanny-cam:

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Supersize Me

OK. I hate to cook. There it is.

Hate it, hate it, hate the mess, hate the cleanup, hate all of it.

When you look up my blogger profile you won't find that my other blog is "Happy Hour Sue In The Kitchen!". (but do feel free to enjoy "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession".

So every time my husband goes away on business, I take a cooking vacation. Culinary outsourcing. EVERY time. Lazy, party of 1. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Whether it's one night or five, you're more likely to find a pygmy stripper playing Dance Dance Revolution in my kitchen than a warm fry pan.

(whoa- I can't seem to shake that visual...)

Anyway. Of course I always get busted when my husband calls.

Husband: Hey! What're you guys doing?
Me: Oh you know, same old.- Gettin' ready for dinner...
Husband: Yeah? What's for dinner?
Me: What?
Husband: What's for dinner?
Me: Don't let the dog get that!!! Sorry. Stupid dog.
Husband: What're you making?
Me: Oh! Tonight? The kids wanted Taco Bell....
Husband: Didn't you do Burger King last night?
Me: What?
Husband: Didn't you just have Burger King?
Me: What? No. Oh! Yeah. We were out.
Husband: Out?
Me: Yeah. Out....getting Burger King.
Husband: (sighs) Are they getting ANY vegetables this week?
Me: Totally. Monday we had Subway.
Husband: Collin has onions, Lorelei likes it plain and Brie has bacon.
Me: Oh shoot! The toilet's overflowing!
Husband: Just make 'em some pasta or something tomorrow...
Me: Right. Or pizza. Probably pasta. Italian for sure.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


So I've been getting a lot of comments lately like "You should post more often", to which I usually respond with the standard "Your MOTHER should post more often."

Which always endears me to my readers.

So I asked some people if I should just post random unrelated crap if I don't have a full post to write and they said "What? Oh, sorry- I was reading Dooce's very long and well-written post."

So, Random Crap:


Yesterday I overheard my 8 year old say to her friend, "You don't know Rolling Stone MAGAZINE???? The Rolling Stones were the best band ever and they have their own magazine that makes fun of the president."

On Friday I asked my tween to help me with some dance songs for my party and she goes, "So, like from 2002 right?" then posted this on Facebook:


When I went to search Google for a funny .gif I saw of Robert Pattinson sneezing for my Twilight blog, the first result was a Sneeze Fetish forum. One of the posters said "I think that photo is a cough but I'm letting my imagination run wild." and if you don't believe me go here.

***********(are these stars or snowflakes?**********

And lastly, if you haven't seen it, more hilarity thanks to Kanye West:

Friday, September 11, 2009

Remember September 11th

Do you remember what you were doing?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Comment of the Day

First of all, here's why Google Images is awesome.

To find a graphic for this post, ('cause I always give you guys a graphic 'cause I am FULL SERVICE like that) I searched "woman computer" and found THIS

Which, on an ordinary day would be an unsurpassable find, except that further down I saw THIS chick with the Headline "Woman Arrested for Beastiality"..

Turns out, she called the cops to turn her boyfriend in for child pornography, but when they searched the computer, they found 2 videos of her having sex with a beagle.


You can read about it here.

Anyway. On to today's comment.

Oliver has left a new comment on your post "Duggars. Again.":

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Dear Oliver/Wilson,

Thank you for reading along and leaving your first comment. It was a nice comment. I enjoy comments. I look forward to your frequent visits and subsequent comments. Please let me know if you would rather be called "Oliver" or "Wilson".


At several commentor's suggestions, I checked out Oliver/Wilson's blog and have to share THIS, possibly the greatest blog post ever:


Think Again Before You Get on That Treadmill

When you must like any othere are no change of these ther forward. The leg backward direction the leg back in the forward. Becausing to dodge, potholes the machine.

If you are conscious of your health and fitness, thiswebsite is the must visit one. It aims at simplifying treadmill workouts with easy-to-follow methods and tips. Treadmill workout can never be a horrfying expereince if we follow the experts tips on the site. Thewebsite also has a section that deals with different types of treadmill models, price comparison and excellent reviews of all popular brands.

Just get one leg backward. When using a treadmills the effects of treadmill belt rolls in as it is the legs is balance during in make surface forward. This creases to keep you and your hips flexors.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

OMG how much do I love this dude.

He's just all: Getting up is hard.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Duggars. Again.


The Duggars have announced they're expecting their 19th child.


Now. Before all you "Anonymous"s get all jacked up and start composing your "every child is a gift" comments let me say: Settle down.


This is not a judgement on Michelle and Jim-Bob.

I just think...Michelle maybe needs a little help - girl-to-girl - on saying... "NO".

And so I have composed a list of excuses for her to use, when the situation arises (that's you, Jim-Bob).

#1. I have a headache.

#2. I have to wash my hair.

#3. I have to style my hair into a poufy mullet.

#4. I have swine flu.

#5. I'm gay.

#6. One of our 19 children might hear us.

#7. There are no more names that start with 'J' left.

#8. My lady-ness is stretched out to the size of a Hyundai.

Just sayin'.

You're welcome.