Friday, May 29, 2009

Weekend LOL Video Dilemma

What to do, what to do.

Here's the thing.

A couple of months ago I was on a recon mission over to Dooce's blog to see what she's up to. And she had posted this video of a sleepwalking dog from YouTube.

And I've been dying to post it for your weekend LOL Video but I kept thinking if I literally copied Dooce?????? I might spontaneously combust or have my blog license revoked or maybe get one of those bizarre cases of hiccups that doesn't go away for 2 years.

I mean, as you know she is my arch-rival and nemesis. Even though she doesn't know I exist. It would be like Jennifer Aniston adopting a black child from Ethiopia.

Ah, screw it.

I give you: Bizkit the Sleepwalking Dog.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Twitter Recap

For all of you all NOT following me on's the Cliff Notes from the past 2 months.  So you don't have to join Twitter, and I get a blog post. Everybody wins. :)

11 y.o: "What would you do if I shot this Nerf gun at you?" Me: "Say 'ow'." Her: (shoots) Me: "OW!!!!"
11:25 AM May 21st from twhirl

Um, what? Just got a notice that my Twilight blog is #50 for anime content.
3:07 PM May 21st from twhirl

Sweet. Google Reader just recommended my other blog to me.
3:41 PM May 20th from twhirl

Vacuuming your ants may not be as permanent a solution, but definitely more fun.
3:07 PM May 19th from twhirl

No, I am NOT picturing Joe Jonas handcuffed to the wall as my slave. Jeez. 
8:48 PM May 15th from twhirl

On laptop at daughter's dance school. Tried to open Twilight fanfiction. DE-NIED. Their internet has morals.
6:27 PM May 14th from twhirl

Going to watch last week's 'Lost'. Have special brain-focusing helmet on.
8:01 PM May 12th from twhirl

8 year old describing black actor on TV: "He was a brother."
11:25 AM May 7th from twhirl

Anybody else crushing on Steve Ward from Tough Love? I just want to strap him in my car and take him on errands.
11:02 AM May 5th from twhirl

2 kids home sick. Freedom fail.
9:13 AM May 4th from twhirl

Attention Alpha parents: If I gave a crap about your kid's homeruns/goals/MVP status I promise you i would have asked.
7:35 PM May 3rd from twhirl

If you just passed someone car-dancing like a mental patient, it was me. "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. Sorry.
10:12 AM May 1st from twhirl

OMG welcome new twitterer @mrsweid who is apparently only following me, Tony Robbins and Zappos shoes.
8:40 AM May 1st from twhirl

8 y.o. just felt so bad for me having to clean up dog puke that she made me a painting.
8:00 PM April 30th from twhirl

Aw, the Craigslist killer wedding is off? It was the panties collection, wasn't it.
4:47 PM April 30th from twhirl

No, Swine Flu, we will not start calling you 'H1N1'. Who do you think you are: Diddy?
8:09 PM April 28th from twhirl

No lie: Twitter just notified me that SexyBigDickLeo is following me. Not sure whether to follow back or call 911.
3:40 PM April 20th from twhirl

Fox News: Woman stabs boyfriend over Pop Tart. Yikes. Hoping toaster pastry crime doesn't make it here to the suburbs.
3:17 PM April 17th from twhirl

My dog is trying to bury his bone in a beanbag chair. Cancel that appointment with the State Police Canine Unit.
9:05 AM April 15th from twhirl

Why does Facebook feel like one giant baseball card collection.
9:04 AM March 30th from twhirl

Why I love Fox news: 'Man sentenced to jail for having sex with car wash vacuum'.
3:41 PM March 26th from twhirl

Anxiety is obviously hereditary. 8 year old is practicing her 'Stop-Drop-and-Roll'.
5:50 PM March 25th from twhirl

I'm pretty sure there's heroin in Tostidos cheese dip.
12:17 PM March 25th from twhirl

On husbands post-colonoscopy instrux: #1 Don't drive #2 Don't operate machinery #3 Don't make any big decisions.
9:43 PM March 20th from twhirl

8 year old told her school friends I said Chris Brown "is a douchebag". Don't know why the playdate offers aren't rolling in.
11:56 AM March 20th from twhirl

Told my hubs i bought him a GQ magazine. Then he sees Robert pattinson on the cover and goes "Thanks f%$kface."
3:38 PM March 19th from twhirl

How the hell tall is David Gregory??? He makes Al Roker look like an ewok.
8:15 AM March 18th from twhirl

The gym is closed on St. Patricks Day, right? (say 'right')
9:11 AM March 17th from twhirl

Gosh my body is craving antioxidants and reservatrol...oh look- red wine.
5:50 PM March 16th from twhirl

Me at daughter's dance class tonite: "Shoot! I forgot i owe them money." 8 year old: "let's make a run for it."
7:43 PM March 12th from twhirl

Bristol Palin and her babydaddy broke up. I did not see that one coming.
6:50 PM March 11th from twhirl

Does it make me officially old that I traded in my Blackberry Storm for my old flip-phone? Get off my lawn.
3:36 PM March 10th from twhirl

Chuck Norris is the real father of octomom's babies. he's all: 'BLAM! Impregnated. Times eight." (#ChuckNorrisBirthday)
2:11 PM March 10th from twhirl

Got to sleep in with sick child home today. Decided 9:30 is my natural wake-up time. Can we all work around that?
11:39 AM March 10th from twhirl

My butt just hung up on you.
11:07 AM March 6th from twhirl

If the gym doesn't start making a bigger deal about me showing up, I'm going to stop going.
1:30 PM March 5th from twhirl

I'm thinking the "Beneful" dudes? With the dogs? need to get on
9:15 AM March 5th from twhirl

8 year old: "I thought FedEx was a fart company." 11 year old : "that's Gas-X."
8:38 PM March 3rd from twhirl

Follow me - or you won't know what I'm doing.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I Think My Personal Trainer Is Broken

OK. A few weeks ago I said to myself, "Self? It's time to lose the baby weight." and my self said, "You mean since the baby's in second grade?" and I said "Yes."

So I narrowed it down to three options.

#1 Wii Fit.

#2 Ab Roller.

 #3 Darrell

Hold your comments.

So he tells me I need to come in first for an "FMS" and I say 'What is that: Fat Mom Situation?' and he says, No, Functional Movement Screen.

So I go in and he says, "Yeah, I've seen you in better shape."

And I think briefly of saying that FMS could also mean Foot Meets Scrotum but decide against it.

But I persevere because I am awesome and a trooper. At the second session he says, "Lie on your belly" and I say "My stomach?" and he says "That's not a stomach yet."

Dude. Could a girl get some euphemisms up in here? : "We're gonna do some fine tuning"...."We're gonna take your fitness to the next level"......??????

I'm thinking a little less marine boot camp, a little more...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Why I'd Make a Sucky Stripper

So Facebook, in its never-ending quest to not leave me alone, suggested tonight that I try the "Stripper Name Generator".

So I did, and was dubbed "Jewel Tightpassion". Which to me sounds more like a Disney Pixie Hollow fairy name. 

If I really was a stripper I would pick like "Foxy Patron" (pa-trone', after the Tequila, but I can't get my keyboard to make the spanish accent mark over the 'o', which is lame - it'll only do THIS 'ø', which is really more Nordic and not stripper-y at all.)

Where was I. Oh yeah. So a kick-ass name is about as far as I get because then I'm all "Hell no I'm not wearing those shoes" because all I ever wear is flip-flops and who wants to see a stripper flap-flap-flappin' down the runway in flip-flops.. 

(is there a runway? Maybe I'm thinking of America's Next Top Model. Maybe it's just a stage and a pole - either way- you know when you're upside down on the pole that those flip-flops are falling off).

And I'd be picking songs that aren't good at all to strip to like "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. 

Plus the buffet would totally sideline me because they'd be all: "Foxy- you're on next" and I'd be all: "I can't. I'm all bloated from eating ziti."

And I'd be fired anyway for saying "maybe later" to lap dance requests, because GOD that's a lot of effort and I never was an "extra credit" kinda girl.

Plus something about my swine flu mask "scaring the customers".

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


My 8-year-old outed me on Mother's Day. To my husband. About my Twilight blog.

Christ on a cracker - can't second graders keep anything on the DL anymore?

OK, so I was a little less than forthcoming with my husband about my "other blog". But in my defense, he barely reads this blog and as we know he can't even get the title right.

Plus I'm already pushing it with Flat Edward and Action Figure Edward, so "Don't Ask- Don't Tell" seemed like the way to go regarding online tributes to obsessions with other men.

So here's how it went down.

I self-gifted myself a laptop for Mother's Day, which I opened with much fanfare and faux-surprise Sunday morning.

Husband: I set it up so your blog is your homepage.

8 y.o.: You should do her other blog too!

Me: I LOVE this card!!

Husband: What "other blog"?

Me: Who wants cinnamon rolls??

8 y.o.: "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession"!

Husband: You have a Twilight Obsession blog????????

Me: it's not really a's more updates on the filming of New Moon and casting news......

8 y.o.: Mommy wrote a post about the color of Robert Pattinson's eyes.

Me: OK. That's not necessary.

Note to self. 8 year olds make sucky confidantes.

Inappropriate Twilight Obsession:
"For Those Who Shouldn't Be Obsessed With Twilight. But Are."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Weekly News: Fail Edition

Holy crap- where to start. 

It's been a great week in "Fail" news. Let's start with - oh, I don't know, - the Executive branch of the government.


"So here's the plan. We're gonna take a huge jet, followed by 2 fighter jets, and have it fly low around lower Manhattan, specifically the financial district and the Statue of Liberty."
"You mean Ground Zero?"


In answer to his thoughts on Swine Flu, Joe Biden declares that he would "tell all my family not to use planes, trains or automobiles." Not sure how you get Swine Flu in your own car, but the economy really appreciates your input, Joe.


On Tuesday, a bunch of Somali pirates headed toward a large ship intending to overtake it and and realize too late- Oh Snap- it's the French Navy. They were promptly apprehended.


Yesterday, über-hottie Megan Fox declared "Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature." Way to alienate half your fan base, Megan. No one's Googling you because of your thespian abilities.


Joe the Plumber was quoted Wednesday as saying that he believes same-sex marriage should be determined by state, and that he has "several homosexual friends". But he wouldn't, you know, "let them near my children."


Bristol Palin was on The Today Show yesterday, apparently in her new role as Spokesperson Against Teen Pregnancy. Says Palin, "Abstinence is the only 100% foolproof method of not getting pregnant."

In related news, the National Ski Injury Association has declared that "staying in the lodge" is the the number one way to prevent ski injury or fatality.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Words I Made Up Part V

aquasedation (ahkwa-sed-ay'-shun) n.
The feeling of slipping into a coma after being in a hot tub for more than 10 minutes.

bagstitious (bag-stih'-shus) adj.
Doubting that you actually have all your bags from the Walmart checkout bag-carousel.

dandeline (dan'-dee-line) n.
The demarkation between a lawn that has weed-killer and one that doesn't.

The point in one's life where dandelions change from pretty, magical wildflowers into embarrassing badges of landscaping incompetence.

yawnglop (yawn'-glop) n.
A chain reaction of yawning that spreads from person to person.

desymptomize (dee-simp'-tom-ize) v.
The uncanny ability of children to lose all signs of sickness the moment you walk through the pediatrician's door.