Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?
Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.
Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.
Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?
Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!
Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.
Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.
Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.
Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.
Me: Bread into broccoli.
Me: Spaghetti into spinach.
Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.
Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....