Thursday, May 29, 2008

Rachel Ray is a Terrorist

Poor Dunkin Donuts. They're just tryin' to hawk a little iced coffee and all hell breaks loose. Today Fox News reported that they had to pull this spot because certain people were complaining that Rachel's scarf too closely resembled a "keffiyah", like the one Yassar used to rock:
and was expressing "support for anti-semitic terrorism". 

Surprisingly, a top-secret Ray cookbook was found to contain entries on "exploding pesto", and  "ricin' beans" . Thankfully, Homeland Security has acted swiftly and rounded up Martha Stewart, Giada de Laurentis, Emeril Lagase and The Naked Chef. Nigella Lawson is still at large.


Photoshop Elements could take over my life.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It's My Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

Sing with me:
' Da-na-na-na-na-na - you say it's your birthday.......
  Da-na-na-na-na-na - we're gonna have a good time.....
Damn, I love The Beatles. I will be taking today off from posting because my loving family got me Photoshop Elements for a present and I'm studying the manual - not, of course to beautify portraits of my children, but to create stupid graphics for my blog. (Dammit, I will have Prince Caspian's head on a Chippendale's dancer!!) Anyway - please see Gettysburg Mom's comment on the 'MILF' post below. It made me laugh all day long yesterday. Men. So predictable. And speaking of "new readers", I'm considering adding suggestive words to all my blog titles now to increase traffic. Please look forward to these future posts:
  "Ironing Is Not Fun. Barely legal!!!!!
  "Visit to the Pediatrician. Threesomes!!!" and
  "How to Make Lasagna. Boobs!!!!!"

Monday, May 26, 2008


First, I'd like to say 'Welcome' to all the men who landed here from searching the word 'MILF'. Nice to have you. 

OK. This is my husband's niece, who was one of our house guests for the 3-day weekend. She has 3 children. No adoptions, no surrogates. Also, she's 40. Yeah, I know. She eats bagels with butter for breakfast, takes bellydancing and I'm pretty sure she buys her miniskirts at GapKids. So what is my point. Sympathy, I guess...because having her around in a bikini for 3 days makes you feel pretty much like this:

It's not really 2008-Me that's frustrated with this situation. It's 1996-Me. 
1996-Me Had It Goin' On and wants to know What the Hell Happened.

1996 Me: Uh, what's up with the 'swim skirt'?
2008 Me: Well excuse me - some of us feel more comfortable less exposed.
1996 Me: Why haven't you been going to aerobics?
2008 Me: No one calls it 'aerobics' anymore. It's 'group exercise'. Plus, I've been doing a lot of walking. You know, the magazines are saying you can 'Walk Off the Weight!'
1996 Me: And you've been doing that for...
2008 Me: 6 years.
1996 Me: Ok, look. High-impact aerobics at least once a day. Fat-free Newtons, watermelon and carrots.
2008 Me: Carrots are bad. High glycemic index. And I don't have time for aerobics. I'm very busy blogging.
1996 Me: What's "blogging"??????
2008 Me: It's......a 2-hour class...of jumping jacks, squat thrusts..and dance music.
1996 Me: OK, cool. Don't forget the Newtons.
2008 Me: Gotcha.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Small Talk is Not in the Job Description

   So I'm minding my own business in the grocery checkout line for the Big Memorial Day Weekend Stock-Up shop. Doing the magazine cover once-over (Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer still together, good; whoa- Lisa Marie Presley is the size of a house, also good; and - go figure - some women's magazines are claiming you can actually "Walk Off the Weight!" huh. crazy. )

My husband's family is coming, so I'm preparing for lotsa food, lotsa drinking. What I'm NOT prepared for is Friendly Chatty Checkout Boy. Commenting on everything I'm buying.

ITEM: plastic tumblers and wine glasses.
FCCB: Hey! Havin' a party, huh????????
Me: yeah.
ITEM: marshmallows and chocolate bars
FCCB: S'mores!!! awesome!!!!!
Me: yup.
ITEM: 2 bottles margarita mix
FCCB: ...and margaritas!!! Nice!!!!!
Me: yeah.
ITEM: Stayfree Maxi Pads "overnites" with wings
FCCB: (silence)

and there you have it. Now I have to find a new grocery store.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Here, Prince Caspian - Have My $80

Tell me again why we don't wait for the video???

2 adults, 4 kids admission = $40
Popcorn & soda for said moviegoers: $40

For $80 I should get Prince Caspian himself, in my living room, giving me a lap dance, which would be awesome totally inappropriate since he's only 25. I checked.

Not to mention the cost of gas to get to the theater. The pumps now won't even fill my SUV completely. They stop automatically at $75. Really - this is true.

Me (to Pump): Why'd you stop?
Pump: I gave you $75!!!!!
Me: But it's not full yet!
Pump: Why'd you buy such a ginormous car?
Me: "ginormous" is not a word.
Pump: Actually, Webster's added it in 2007, along with 'Bollywood' and 'sudoku'.
Me: Bite me.  I'm going to see "Prince Caspian" now.
Pump: Good luck affording the popcorn.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Suckiest Chaperone Award

          An apology to the fifth graders who had the unfortunate luck to get assigned to my group for the "Historic Philadelphia" field trip Friday. I suck as a field trip leader. But in my own defense, I did not sign up for this. There was a last minute shortage of 1 parent volunteer, and a panicky email was sent around begging for someone to save the day. Of course, by "chaperone", I thought they meant one more adult to wander around, talking on their cell phone and making sure no one runs into traffic. No. They meant I LEAD a group. I find this out in the classroom, where we're given our Optional Scavenger Hunt lists. OK, "Optional"=not happening. So my group is already down one activity and we haven't even boarded the busses. 

First stop, Betsy Ross House. As we're waiting outside the guide says they're not 100% sure this is the house. I'm beyond excited to get inside. Which is so freakin' claustrophobic I abandon my group and escape outside to get air. 

Next stop, some Alley of old houses and Site of the Great Scavenger Hunt. My poor friend Sharon, who had the poor judgement to hook her group up with mine, is left doing the scavenger hunt alone because I have convinced both groups this is just not cool, and we should go to Starbucks.

Next stop, Starbucks.  I buy everyone a round of caramel mocha frappaccinos. Succeeded in hooking 11-year-olds on caffeine. Sweet.

Ben Franklin's Grave: Nope. $1 per person  is not worth it.
Independence Hall: heard a rumor you can't get in. (really!!!! I did!!!)
Franklin Mint: Lotsa coins. Very, very not interesting.
Liberty Bell: The line outside is so long that we bag it and peek through a window to see it instead. OK. Liberty Bell. Check.

Last stop: Korean gift shop where parents are probably expecting the kids to pick up mini Liberty Bells and flag pencils. We get Swedish fish, soda and jawbreakers the size of baseballs. And there you have it, kids, Historic Philadelphia. Wasn't that fun?

Friday, May 16, 2008

There's a Gangsta in My Bathtub

So I walk into my bathroom this morning, and I'm greeted by THIS:

Like a scene from "Prom Hell 2: The Lakehouse". So I start fishing Bratz and Barbies out of the tub and I come up with THIS dude:

WTF? Male Hispanic, black hair, brown eyes, 21 yrs old...and is that a Soul Patch????
Homeboy's wearin' his jeans a little high for a gangsta, but anyway - WHERE DID HE COME FROM??!!!!! I swear, this is not one of ours. So obviously one of those hos from the pool party texted someone and word got around.

1 dude and 15 chicks, which explains THIS photo from his cell phone:

Don't hate the Playa, Hate the Game.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Too Lazy to Pop the Tart

Actual exchange between me and my adorable 10-year old daughter on a school morning:

Me: What would you like for breakfast, Sweetie?
10 year old: A Pop Tart, please.
Me: Do you want it toasted or plain?
10 year old: (playfully) Surprise me!!
Me: (tossing it on her plate cold) Surprise.

Followed by me laughing and proclaiming that I crack myself up.
10 year old: (eating her cold Pop Tart) You're really immature for a mom.

What is wrong with me: It's a POP-Tart. It's meant to "pop" cheerily out of the toaster. Otherwise, it would be called an Inert-Tart.

Anyway, here's my point: don't offer me the easier option because I will take it. At my house you will find: frozen pancakes, bagged salad, microwave potatoes, slice/n/bake cookies,  heat/n/eat bacon and lots of other things with "/n". If your child comes to our house for a playdate, we will not be doing a "craft". I didn't make my curtains. I don't have an herb garden. I know my credit card number by heart for internet shopping. (and the fact that you have to use a pull-down menu for the state abbreviations is REALLY aggravating). 

What do I do with all the time I save? Good question. I'll think that over with a Bacardi Mojito ("alcohol already in the mix").

Monday, May 12, 2008

Alien Math



We are not alone.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

On Newstands Now: the Cellulite Issue!!!!

The Cellulite Issue is here! The Cellulite Issue is here! This is the women's equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. When you're in line at the grocery store, this is not a "flip-through-and-put-back" issue. This is a "slap-it-on-the-conveyor-belt-and-don't-even-open-it-til-you-get-home-cuz-it's-gonna-be-that-good" issue. Make a cup of tea or coffee, ignore the phone, and settle in for a good, fat, dimple-fest. Look: I'm not a mean person: I don't wish these stars ill. But I do wish them imperfections. As one of my favorite plaques says, "Dear Lord, if you can't make me skinny, at least make my friends fat." That's how women think. If I can see a good, blurry close-up of dimples on Pam Anderson and Misha Bartons' butts, it's a good day. Do I feel bad that each one of them is probably hugely depressed today and popping Vicodins and TrimSpa? Yes. Who am I kidding. No. Screw you, Pam..Fatty mcFat-Fat. Big fake-boob, sex tape-makin', dimple-butt. Hah! Ha-ha-ha ha-ha. Ok, I'm done now. $3.49. I probably could have spent that on the "Angels and Real Life Miracles" in the next rack over. But this is much more uplifting. :)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Facebook Hotties Want to Befriend Me

A few weeks ago, one of my husband's hip nieces emailed me a request to be a "friend" on Facebook. Yeah, I thought, I could up my cool quotient a bit - in fact, Hell-to-the-Yeah.  Sweet. Bring it. Um.... I've run out of cool lingo.  Anyway, I became a Facebook member. Well, word must travel fast, because THIS was waiting for me the next day:

 You have a friend request
Ryan Dorian (Cedar Rapids, IA)
You have no friends in common.

"Ryan Dorian" wants to be my friend. Confirm? Ignore? Send Message? I've decided to send a message:

     Dear Ryan,
           It will never work out between us. First of all, as you pointed out, we have no friends in common. I know nothing about Iowa and I suspect you work out a lot more than I do. I assume from your photo that you have some sort of facial disfigurement and really fat legs - don't worry - I bet a lot of girls will accept your invitation. Don't stay stuck on me, Ryan. Move on with your life and I'll do the same. I'll always remember you. 
       Love, Sue

Lesson learned here: If I'm going to be a facebook member I've got to get my abs in better shape.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Interview with Paula Abdul

We recently sat down with Paula Abdul, star and judge of American Idol to catch up with the busy star and get some insights into the "final four".

HMHH: So! Thanks for talking with us today Paula - how are you doing?
PA: Wooo!!!!!! It's all smooshy in here.
HMHH: Uh, "smooshy"? What do you mean?
PA: The lights -it's like woooooo-it's fabulous. Hi!
HMHH: Hi. I wonder if you'd like to clear up some rumors that have been circulating about -
PA: Ok Ok Ok Yes. No. I am NOT sleeping with Jason Castro....Jasey, Jasey, Jasey Pasey.
HMHH: Uh, I actually hadn't heard anything about you and Jason..
PA: Right. Not. No no no......can I get a Coke?
HMHH: Sure, I have some in the fridge.
PA: No my Special Coke - where's my assistant - COKE!!!!!!!With Yummm.
HMHH: So Paula, what can you tell us about this season that's different from last season?
PA: Lemmee tell you. It's nuts! It's like woo-hoo! Crazy. 
HMHH: Any predictions on who will win?
PA: YOU guys know how to party!!!!!!! Come on! Why not?
HMHH: Why not what?
PA: What.
HMHH: You said "why not".
PA: My brain is getting all floomy.
HMHH: Maybe we should reschedule.
PA: Skedgy wedgy....can I have this pen?
HMHH: Sure. thanks for talking with us.
PA: Sure. Thanks for talking with us.

Editor's note: this was a fictitious interview. Don't sue me.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Federal Buzz Kill

May 2, 2008: Oak Lawn, IL

I Love this. I love, love, love whoever thought of this. 

And this:   And this:

Mayor Dave Heilmann is a rock star in my book. But Fox News reported today that the feds have ruled it's in violation of the "Federal Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices" and Oak Lawn could lose all their federal funding for town projects. So Mayor Dave: Thanks for trying. You are the Man. You can party with me anytime. If I could add you to my blogroll I would.