Friday, September 19, 2008

CHARDONNAY


(I didn't write this. My awesome friend Cindi from college emailed it to me yesterday and since I've been so busy with the Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar site, uploading all you hotties, I thought I'd use my homework pass...)

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Isn't it time you asked YOUR doctor about Chardonnay?

45 comments:

Headless Mom said...

Suppose Cabernet would be a good substitute? I've been drinking it all night and it sure sounds and feels like the same thing!

Terri said...

Wow, I hope this is better than my usual stuff, Tequila. I'll get a prescription for this chardonnay stuff ASAP.

sista #2 said...

What????? I couldn't understand this....the beer is taking over!


peace
#2

Alicia said...

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ali said...

But remember, when taking Chardonnay, do not log in to your email account. You may be tempted to tell your in-laws exactly what you think of them.

Jen said...

Oh I love this. Finally a reason behind the drinking besides, life.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I have heard tequila is like this--only much more....

This is great stuff :)

Jennifer said...

I was prescribed mojitos and that's been working pretty well for me!

Kelly said...

This is awesome..
Although I would replace the Chardonnay with Reisling... :)

Lauren said...

I'll tell ya what she says!

Kelly said...

So funny and true!!

BacktoBarnwell said...

True That...Now, question is, when is insurance going to start providing coverage?

Mandy said...

LOL

My drink of choice. Hurray for Chardonnay!!

jill jill bo bill said...

Is there a generic for that?

Heinous said...

I guess that's why I drink Crown Royal. That chardonnay seems to biased towards women.

Brittany said...

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

BEST LINE!

jaime said...

that's why i don't drink wine.

maybe that's my problem though?


you think my Dr. will give me an RX of some medical marijuana to go along w/ that Chardonnay??

Swirl Girl said...

My sister sent me the same email.

I wonder if one of the warnings is a 4 hour erection....if so- I want a bottle!

Former Fat Chick said...

I'm super EFFED up, so I substitue VODKA!

Amy said...

She forgot "The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to do things that will cause you to become 'heavy with child.'"

Blondie said...

Following your advice as I type!!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

I got that email this week too... it cracks me up every time I read it!!!

amelia bedelia said...

and my husband loves it when i consume lots of chardonay!

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Steph T. said...

It's time I add this to my evening routine...

Evening right? Not 8am? Hummm...what is a Mom to do?

Great Post!
Steph
http://steph.getaylor.com

txsjewels said...

great post. be sure and see your doctor if you take chardonnay 12 or more times a day as this may be an indication of living with an asshole.
txsjewels

Cheryl said...

I started on Chardonnay last night. Ran out and went with Pinot. Same great effects.

Me said...

On my way to score some Chardonnay now. Thanks.

Laurie said...

Thanks for the laugh, Sue. I'm heading to the kitchen for a glass of chard right now...

Petra said...

HAHA, I love it! It's about time Chardonnay got the respect she deserves. Have you tried her cousin Shiraz? She's quite therapeutic as well!

Lawyer Mom said...

Let me tell you, Chardonnay beats Chantix any day. It doesn't make you nauseaus nearly as fast and it's a hell of a lot cheaper. But it can definitely lead to blogging while intoxicated, so wait 'til morning to hit the publish button. Yours truly, Lesson Learned.

MO said...

I absolutely love my wine...chardonnay usually is not my first choice, where pino grigio is (just sits better in my belly, less hangover for some reason), but wine in general will do wonders for your self esteem!!!

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